Monday, December 12, 2011

How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?

My husband of 6 years has a drinking problem and I cannot seem to get a handle on which direction I should go. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3, he is a good dad when he isnt drunk and he is very much in love with me. He says he is willing to change - and he is drinking less than he was before, but it is 6 years later and he is STILL drinking enough for it to be a problem.

How much?

3 years ago - it was like a 1.75 bottle of Captian Morgan a week or weekend. From about 10 am to 10 pm until it was gone he would get drunk and be worth nothing the next day. He would get so drunk he would fall asleep on the bathroom floor, wake up, puke on the floor and fall back asleep. He would pee the bed.

Now - He drank a small bottle of Jager this last weekend, by himself Fri. then was too hung over to do anything all day, so I went about my own business. Then Sun we had dinner at my dads, he drank 2 beers there, stopped at the liq store and drank a 6 pack at home and drank a few more six packs throughout the week. Every night or at least every other night he drinks 3 or 4 beers and binge drinks on the weekend, then grouches that I dont include him in our family activities and that he never gets things done he wants to do! Hmmm.... maybe bc u are drunk or hungover... just a thought...

My question is, when is enough enough, do they change slowly or just find a level you can deal with!? What should I do as I feel I am not getting the kind of support from a husband I need, and not the support my two kids need as a father either??

Should I require he gets couseling, move out for a while? Let him keep working on it alone since he has made progress?? What should I do??How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?
He is NOT going to get any better until he completely stops period. He can ';cut back'; here %26amp; there, switch drinks etc. etc., but until HE'S READY %26amp; willing to completely give it up for good, it's only going to get worse. Yes, get worse! YES, he does love you, but his FIRST LOVE is alcohol. I'm a recovering alcoholic of 19+ yrs., have been married to a couple alcoholics, %26amp; am living w/one at the moment %26amp; have for 20 yrs. Had I NOT been drinking when I met him, I would NOT be w/him today. I went to AA %26amp; Alanon 28ish yrs.ago, did put some yrs. together back then, but this time I've been able to apply all I learned thru BOTH programs to get me to where I am now. I've sad so often, AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity! Alcoholism is a cunning progressive disease. It hurts so many people, families, marriages, %26amp; yes it kills. Hopefully not taking anyone else along w/them. Alcoholics are loaded w/guilt, especially when we KNOW we are hurting the ones we love the most. My adult daughter was the one who got to me, I could no longer take the guilt of hurting my kids, Grand kids, myself, %26amp; KNEW I had to quit. I used ALL the ';tools'; I learned in AA to finally take my last drink. My anniversary of my drinking means MORE to me than my B.D., my daughter sends me a card every yr. %26amp; a small ';token'; gift that means something to both of us. Something/someone has to do something to get thru to your husband. I would highly suggest you go to a few Alanon mtgs. They are SUPER people who w/do anything/everything to help YOU. Call the 800# for alcohol, %26amp; find the next closest mtg. to you. Just go %26amp; listen. IF you want to speak %26amp; ask questions but not in front of everyone, someone would be more than glad to help you. But do go to a few at least. Let them help you w/the questions you have, they will. He needs a 28 day program to get him started %26amp; to find out WHY he drinks. Every alcoholic has an ';underlying cause';, %26amp; it's also hereditary, especially on the male side of the family. My adult kids are so glad to have their mother back. I am here for them in every way they need me, I feel so much better, have chged. so much. At the age we start drinking, that's the age we stop growing. So if he started say when he was 18,he has the mentality of an 18 yr. old. He needs to go to an AA mtg. for starters. Then on to a program to learn about himself %26amp; how to STAY sober. Just maybe IF he tho't he was going to loose you %26amp; his children, that would ';wake him up';. But, you think about it first, know what you're going to do, IF you leave where are you going etc. etc. You get your mind straightened out first, %26amp; don't make ';idle threats';. Say what you mean, mean what you say. So be well prepared, that's why I suggested Alanon because they CAN help you, I PROMISE you that! You CAN DO IT, DO IT...I DO wish you the very best...:)How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?
Seek out support through Al non..a support group for families of alcoholics..professional counseling to cope and deal with the alcoholic along with self care.
1) Counseling.

2) If that doesn't work, leave.

He has to change for himself, not for you.
IF he doesnt take counsling then you need to move on with your life, because this can only get worse...and trust me, my husband was on his way to leading a alocholic life, but i threatend to leave him,and he hasnt drank since....i told him i dont want to marry an alcoholic cuz my father was one, and it ruined my family, and i dont want the same thing to happen to me...

he has to understand what this is doing to your family, and if he wants to be wtih you, u should tell him he has to QUIT%26gt; :))

maybe u should allow him to smoke pot insted, since its less harmful
Until he suffers a DUI or has some other type of run in with the law, his job or suffers a health problem or accident I wouldn't expect you can do much if anything. You can try al-anon since he won't get the help he needs but by the sounds of it until he bottoms out and you lose something you've worked for during the marriage he won't help himself or you. Consider moving out since it may give him a wake up call of sorts but realize he probably won't change until law enforcement makes him change somehow.
He's not a functional alcoholic. He needs counseling, and so do you and probably the kids depending on their ages.

He's got to stop drinking, because eventually it will kill him. Either his liver will fail, or he'll get hurt in an accident.

He's missing out on his life, and seeing his children grow up. Tell him that.

But remember, he has to want to change in order to. And you cant do it for him, but you can be there beside him as he goes through it.
You both need to get help. You might spend years hoping that the problem will improve on it's own. In the mean time your kids are growing up fast and time is ticking away. They are going to soon know things are wrong w/ their dad, if they don't already. Just do what you know is best for them and you will do what is right.
He doesn't drink a lot at all- he wasn't even drinking like an alcoholic when you said he ws drinking a lot. you need to realize you got a good man and stop b*tching!
It's been 6 years if he hasn't changed yet he isn't going to change on his own. He needs to get some help and you need to stop enabling him. I'm sorry I just don't see any progress he is still drinking every night and binge drinking on the weekends this is not progress.

You should join an alanon program and he needs to either join AA or get into a rehab.

If you don't insist that either he gets help or gets out then this will go on like this forever....are you willing to live like this forever???
I was married to an alcoholic for 11 yrs they don't change unless they want to I took my two children and finally moved on enough is enough when the alchol comes before the family, he has to want the help. till this day my ex husband is still a lousy drunk I thank God I left when I did I wish I would have left sooner of course. they get worse before they get better
hes not going to change unless he is truely ready to. You cant force him bc it wont work

How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?

I tell him how it makes me feel, and he told me that he doesn't care. My mom just tells me to suck it up. She's never here to see it anyway. Both of my brothers are never home either. They say I need an attitude ajustment, but all I want is to have a conversation with my dad. He just won't listen. No matter how hard I cry. I'm seriously contemplating killing myself because it's so out of hand. I have nothing to do with my life either, so it makes it hard to just hide in my room all day. I'm too afraid to go near him thinking that it may eventually get physical...How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?
Sweetie, please don't give up. My heart really goes out to you. It doesn't sound like your mom or brothers are any support, which is their failure, not yours. You've done nothing wrong, and are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You seem to be the only one in your family with any sense.

Not knowing how old you are, I'm wondering if you have any Aunts or Uncles that you could call. If so, explain to them that you've tried to communicate with your family about this, and that none of them are interested in helping to turn the situation around. Explain to them that you can't live in those conditions any longer. Would it be possible for you to move in with another relative, or a family of a good friend? If you're religious, you could also go talk to someone at church. I wish you all the best.How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?
Share a case of beer with him, and you'll have plenty of conversations with him. It beats killing yourself.
mom was a drunk who wuld run in my room and told me to get out she had to take a piss

dad is a stoner/smoker/alcoholic

im 12...they dont stop, my mom did...but nope
omgggg!!!!! ik exactly how u feel. Okayy. Its not an easy thing to deal with i hate it so much! dont kill urself plzz . i have came so close to i have actually tried with many failed attempts. but its taking the easy way out u jus have to keep trying and trying to talk to him. get outside help from a counsler or other family. make him relize how hes affecting u
That's exactly what I am going through right now! Exept my mother passed away when I was 9. But now I'm 14. Wat you should do if you have already talked to your mother. Talk to your brothers. I told my brothers what was going on and they told me that they went through it too. They gave me tons of support and made me feel a heck of a lot better. Try talking to an aunt, or an uncle, or maybe even your grandparents? If you don't have family to talk to try friends. Try to tell your friends or their parents how you feel, maybe they can talk to your dad or mom and help you out. Yo could also talk to your school counceler (sp?) But it's summer so if you can't do that, call the police ONLY if you are in danger. If you need someone to talk to with experience, e-mail me. . We can help each other out. I'll be praying for you.
you can lead a horse to water yet you can not make it drink and for aclkys you cant stop them they have to stop themselves .What you can do is control your self see what is going on and remember when you get older not to do the same i watched my father drink himself into oblivion night after night for like 20 years it was horrible

he finall quit when i was like 27 years old i know long time eh it is hard and it sometimes gets much worse .You can only control you so thats who you work on not your dad and dont share a case with him tracy get a grip !!!!killing yourself is not an option at aLL you already know that one is not a good idea at all be true to you and go to alanon or aa which ever you can find look up facts on the net for dealing with drunken morons and choose the best for u love you lots you will be ok and life must go on live it to the best of your sbility and have a load of fun dont sweat or worry about what you cannot change
hey i had the same question and you told me to look at you question. don't kill your self over your dads mistakes. Even though times are rough they will get better. I've thought about killing my self alot but then there are days im glad a didnt kill my self. I have a bestfriend who helps me alot. look for suportive people they will always help you.
I'm sorry, but so many of us have alcoholic parents. Killing yourself is a bit extreme, don't you think? Especially seeing as you wont live there your entire life. Think about it. That would be letting them win if you let them get to you.

Honey, there is nothing you can do. I'm so sorry for you, and i understand your pain COMPLETELY, but you just have to get good headphones when they get on rants and rages and lock your door. Get the **** outta there when you can. You can call AA or Intervention, but I doubt you will. I know because I never did that myself. You can get emancipated, but maybe you are too young or maybe you love them too much. And the part about no one else caring about your opinion, well just do like you did here and get it off your chest by talking to others. Be positive, stay away from home as late as possible, and deal with it for now.

EDIT: I do like someone's idea to call outside relatives and tell them. Maybe they could help you out? But, at the same time, think about how your dad will react when he finds out you went behind his back and told someone else. I don't know how ugly it is with you, but I never did that. It caused too much problems.

Sorry for your pain. If you ever wanna talk, just email me at I'd love to chat, maybe help you cope? Like i said, i've been there. And you don't have to be alone.
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  • Is fruit wine bad for health?

    my husband a alcoholic, however he just love to drink fruit wine like berry, cherry, grape. I wonder is it good or bad becasue some said grape wine good for heart, ect. please give me some clue about fruit wine effects and how to deal with alcoholicIs fruit wine bad for health?
    wine is good for your health

    its full of antioxidants, and the small amout of alchol daily is actually good for your heart.

    however, its not recommended that an alcoholic ever have alcohol, since it can very easily cause a relaplse. Its best to just drink fruit juice, which has many of the same traits, or natural cider vinegar, that also has a lot of the same benefits.Is fruit wine bad for health?
    wine is good for the heart. the dr. told me one glass a day. as for dealing with your husband. take him to A.A. if he will go. other wise

    there is nothing you can do ,but live with him and pray he gets help.
    only red wine is good for you and that is one glass a day only anymore and with time say by by to the liver and life. Here is how you deal with your alcoholic husband rehab detox and/or devorce he wont get better till he puts down the bottle
    Many interesting dishes here

    There are nice %26amp; easy dishes also good for health.

    Thank you for
    This site can help you a lot

    Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?

    My friend and I met about 6 months ago and she and I seemed to have a lot in common. Our husbands are Marines and work together, and we all get together. When our husbands have to go on missions or operations we often get together to pass the time. It's nice because I don't have many friends here. But, I have a problem with her. Every single time I have gone out with her (whether with our husbands, or just alone with her) she begins drinking and will not stop at just 2 or 3. When her husband is with us, it's annoying, but not as big of a deal, because he takes care of her. But, if it's just me and her, I have to ';babysit'; her. People often look at her because she becomes so out of control, and of course I have to watch out for her. I will only have a couple of beers and stop if I see her begin to order shots or her drinking picks up. This weekend, the cops wanted to arrest her for being drunk in public! I sorted everything out with them and saved her from that humiliation and having to explain it to her husband. I want to help and I don't know if this qualifies her as an alcoholic, but I'm tired of dealing with her acting like this. She loses all control and often blacks out. She falls down, trips, slurs, approaches strangers, you get it... She will even become slightly belligerent. My issue is that our husbands work together and I don't want to put any more stress on my husband's already very high stress job. Does anyone have any ideas or advice? And is she an alcoholic? She has a job and doesn't miss it for drinking, but she only drinks one brand of beer and one type of liquor for shots. She also drinks alone when her husband is not there. Please, any help would be appreciated.Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?
    That's awful... you're a good friend. It's too bad that sometimes people just don't see you till they lose you. The best advice I can give you, though it may be hard (yes that's most definitely alcoholic right there) is to let her have the natural consequences of her behavior. It's harsh, but honestly, she's an adult, and it's NOT your job to clean up after her irresponsible behavior. She should know what an okay amount to drink is, and if she really wants to get stoned, she should have the guts to do it at her house, where she's less likely to get in trouble. It may be unpleasant for you to see, but she needs to grow up and learn a little self control. Trust me hon, I've been there. I'm not married to a marine or anything, but I've had a friend like that before and it'll only get worse unless you let them have their own consequences. Really, otherwise they'll never learn to change. Sometimes it takes being knocked on flat on your butt to find out that something need to change and you need to take charge of your life. Seriously, she can find better things to do with her time, if all of it is spent waiting, like taking up a sport, or hobby, or going back to school even. The options and possibilities are endless. With people like that, you can't just tell them to stop-- they can't control themselves because most of the time they've never learned how. So the best you can do for your friend is to let her learn how to. I'm sorry there's not more you can do. I know it feels terrible and awful to let a friend do something like that, esp. when you feel their pain and heartache but if you really care, let her learn. I wish you and your friend the best!Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?
    I know this sounds kind of simple, but you should talk to her first, she may talk back to you, and tell you what's going on. Maybe it runs in her family or something, or maybe she just likes to drink.. i think you should talk to her, and if she doesn't listen, talk to your husband and ask what he thinks, he knows her husband, so maybe he might be able to help a little bit.
    She's an alcoholic. Blackouts alone qualify her. I don't think it's healthy for you to start becoming her guardian. You may have to tell her that it upsets you, you can't deal with it, and you cannot be around her when she's drinking. She may not like it, but your life comes before hers. You can urge her to go to an AA meeting, because I think that's where she'll get help.

    How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?

    Life can be too much to handle,how has your family handled it ?How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?
    My childs father put us in this situation. :(

    I had an intervention with him. I sat him down and told him that he MUST stop drinking. He had to get help asap, go to AA meeting, go to treatment, but I wasn't going to allow this infront of our child.

    He promised that he didn't need treatment and could do it on his own. I told him that if he couldn't our relationship would be over- I mean I had done everything I felt I could.

    He of course couldn't quit, and I left him. He greatly misses his family as it once was, and we (as a family) will never be the same again). Honestly our child is in a better enviroment without a drinking %26amp; driving, mood swinging, unemployed, angry alcoholic.How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?
    You have to set boundaries and make the one with the problem follow them. You have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You cant deviate from these boundaries or you set yourself up for failure.
    If I had a family I would probably disown them. I give him/her some cash to change their surname, so my family name does not get tainted.

    No alcohol, No smoking, No tea, No drugs, No coffee would be my rules.
    Set up an intervention with family and friends. The alcoholic thought he was going to a party but once there we all cornered him. He agreed to get help and at that time realized for the first time he had a problem. We told him we already had an out-patient rehab already set up for him so it wouldn't interfer with his work. He has now been sober for 5 years and still goes to AA meetings.
    When my father use to drink and come home drunk, my mother use to beat him with a wet towel, he would wake up sore as hell...I thought it was funny. Of course this is not how you deal with this step at a time and support as far as them going to meetings and what not. I use to be a closet was bad.
    You need to go to Al Anon meetings. Al Anon is a group devoted to helping the loved ones of alcoholics with all their issues of having trouble dealing with it and such.

    How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?

    My Dad is making me lose my mind.

    I'm 19, go to a community college (am in my second semester), get mostly As and some Bs... my parents pay for my schooling. I appreciate it everyday!

    I'm an aspiring audio engineer... i study every aspect of the profession on a daily basis. I have a 100 average in all my Music classes thus far and have been told by my engineering teachers that THIS IS the path for me.

    -I work 25+ hours a week at a grocery store but am starting to actively look for internships.

    -I'm in a jam band with 9 other friends (on drums). We chill nearly daily, play disc golf, motivate each other to achieve our dreams, and go out drinking and partying on weekends. None of us are reckless... none of us do ';hard drugs';... Most of my friends smoke weed, but I haven't in months because it makes me too lazy. I just stick to the weekend brews, by personal decision.

    -I paid for my car with my own cash.

    My Dad is the only gloom on these great college years. He drinks a 30 pack of Keystone every night and smokes a pack of cigarettes a day... You can see his lifestyle all over his face...

    He has extremely high blood pressure and is very high strung in general. We can be having a conversation and all of a sudden he will start yelling.

    He has OCD... which is frustrating for me because i'm incredibly chilled out. I've got long dreadlocks... (i'm a little part black so i can pull them off extremely well, but my dad HATES it)

    he is constantly closing doors, yelling at me for leaving my bedroom light on for just 3 or 4 minutes while i am downstairs, and yelling at my mother for every ridiculous reason imaginable.

    I believe it is a defense mechanism. He tries to nitpick every small fault of others around him to justify his alcoholism and life threatening ways.

    Not only that, but he uses the fact that i live at home against me. I constantly hear ';You live in this house! My rules!';, even telling them i'm going to sleep over at a friends house on a weekend night.

    I feel like i can't mature in this environment. I know this has turned into a ramble... but how do you young adults deal with an irresponsible parent that can't help but treat you like a little boy?!How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
    Get a scholarship and an apartment. It's time to move on. You can't change your dad, but you can stop him and his choices from affecting your life and your future. Don't drink- you are underage and it is against the law. You could ruin a very promising future, and it isn't worth the risk. Good luck.How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
    the only way to deal is just to find other places to hang out and to live. my mom was REALLY difficult when i still lived at home with my parents. the only way it ever got better was by living on my own. our relationship is so much better now, because she doesn't control my life anymore.

    no matter what, your dad will find something to get angry about. just know it's about him, not you. as soon as you can manage it, find a way to get your own place.

    and good job on your accomplishments so far!
    YOu will eventually leave there. Be on your own. Only then will you do what I did. Realize that your dad is who he is, and he in no way reflects on you. I love my dad, and have a close relationship with him, but there are certain things about him that used to make me miserable. Then I found out I don't need to feel miserable. They are his issues, not mine. Once it is not a daily part of your life, it won't bother you anymore.
    Not good but it sounds like you are dealing farily well with it. The best bet is to get out of there. You can't change him... so it is either tolerate the situation or find other arrangements which might be tough if they are paying for your schooling. What does mom say? She had to deal with him longer then you... maybe she might have some thoughts. Just becareful, sounds like it could be dangerous, even if he doesn't mean to be.
    Unfortunately, you will be putting up with your dad's messed-up behavior as long as you are under his roof.

    About all you can do is try to stay out of his orbit, and do all the basic stuff to stay off his radar (pick up after yourself, do your chores). When he goes on a rant, you just stand there and look at his face and agree with him... he wants validation.

    With a little luck, he'll croak-off soon enough.

    You can probably do a nice internship as audio engineer at one of the bigger churches. We have some ';mega churches'; here in Houston with major music programs and audio and video. Check the performing arts organizations in your area as well.

    I have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?

    My dad is always there for me when something happens but im scared. how do i deal with this issue?I have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?
    God is always there for you too . Pray ask Jesus into your heart , ask God for Wisdom , read your Bible everyday . Pray for your Mama , Jesus Loves her Too , I am sure she loves you very much , but her mind is not dealing with things well , and she thinks if she drinks she can forget for a while all of her troubles , but the truth is , if she will ask God to help her he will . But if you need to ask your Dad if you can stay with him , if he is more stable right now , but continue to pray for your Mama . I know this is very difficult for you , and God knows too , but he waits for you to ask for help , he is polite he will not just come in and take over , until you ask , so just pray %26amp; ask , I wish you well sweetieI have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?
    Yes , Praying works for anyone that will pray , I am so glad to know that you feel better , and if you will continue to Pray , God will work things out for you %26amp; your family . I wish you well Sweetie

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    Look into going to Al-Anon meetings. They will benefit you greatly and give you better clarity in what is going on around you. Can you live with your father? Talk to him and share your fears with him. Maybe that's what your mother needs to sober up.

    God bless!
    Go live with your dad. It will be best.