My husband of 6 years has a drinking problem and I cannot seem to get a handle on which direction I should go. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3, he is a good dad when he isnt drunk and he is very much in love with me. He says he is willing to change - and he is drinking less than he was before, but it is 6 years later and he is STILL drinking enough for it to be a problem.
How much?
3 years ago - it was like a 1.75 bottle of Captian Morgan a week or weekend. From about 10 am to 10 pm until it was gone he would get drunk and be worth nothing the next day. He would get so drunk he would fall asleep on the bathroom floor, wake up, puke on the floor and fall back asleep. He would pee the bed.
Now - He drank a small bottle of Jager this last weekend, by himself Fri. then was too hung over to do anything all day, so I went about my own business. Then Sun we had dinner at my dads, he drank 2 beers there, stopped at the liq store and drank a 6 pack at home and drank a few more six packs throughout the week. Every night or at least every other night he drinks 3 or 4 beers and binge drinks on the weekend, then grouches that I dont include him in our family activities and that he never gets things done he wants to do! Hmmm.... maybe bc u are drunk or hungover... just a thought...
My question is, when is enough enough, do they change slowly or just find a level you can deal with!? What should I do as I feel I am not getting the kind of support from a husband I need, and not the support my two kids need as a father either??
Should I require he gets couseling, move out for a while? Let him keep working on it alone since he has made progress?? What should I do??How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?
He is NOT going to get any better until he completely stops period. He can ';cut back'; here %26amp; there, switch drinks etc. etc., but until HE'S READY %26amp; willing to completely give it up for good, it's only going to get worse. Yes, get worse! YES, he does love you, but his FIRST LOVE is alcohol. I'm a recovering alcoholic of 19+ yrs., have been married to a couple alcoholics, %26amp; am living w/one at the moment %26amp; have for 20 yrs. Had I NOT been drinking when I met him, I would NOT be w/him today. I went to AA %26amp; Alanon 28ish yrs.ago, did put some yrs. together back then, but this time I've been able to apply all I learned thru BOTH programs to get me to where I am now. I've sad so often, AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity! Alcoholism is a cunning progressive disease. It hurts so many people, families, marriages, %26amp; yes it kills. Hopefully not taking anyone else along w/them. Alcoholics are loaded w/guilt, especially when we KNOW we are hurting the ones we love the most. My adult daughter was the one who got to me, I could no longer take the guilt of hurting my kids, Grand kids, myself, %26amp; KNEW I had to quit. I used ALL the ';tools'; I learned in AA to finally take my last drink. My anniversary of my drinking means MORE to me than my B.D., my daughter sends me a card every yr. %26amp; a small ';token'; gift that means something to both of us. Something/someone has to do something to get thru to your husband. I would highly suggest you go to a few Alanon mtgs. They are SUPER people who w/do anything/everything to help YOU. Call the 800# for alcohol, %26amp; find the next closest mtg. to you. Just go %26amp; listen. IF you want to speak %26amp; ask questions but not in front of everyone, someone would be more than glad to help you. But do go to a few at least. Let them help you w/the questions you have, they will. He needs a 28 day program to get him started %26amp; to find out WHY he drinks. Every alcoholic has an ';underlying cause';, %26amp; it's also hereditary, especially on the male side of the family. My adult kids are so glad to have their mother back. I am here for them in every way they need me, I feel so much better, have chged. so much. At the age we start drinking, that's the age we stop growing. So if he started say when he was 18,he has the mentality of an 18 yr. old. He needs to go to an AA mtg. for starters. Then on to a program to learn about himself %26amp; how to STAY sober. Just maybe IF he tho't he was going to loose you %26amp; his children, that would ';wake him up';. But, you think about it first, know what you're going to do, IF you leave where are you going etc. etc. You get your mind straightened out first, %26amp; don't make ';idle threats';. Say what you mean, mean what you say. So be well prepared, that's why I suggested Alanon because they CAN help you, I PROMISE you that! You CAN DO IT, DO IT...I DO wish you the very best...:)How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?
Seek out support through Al non..a support group for families of alcoholics..professional counseling to cope and deal with the alcoholic along with self care.
1) Counseling.
2) If that doesn't work, leave.
He has to change for himself, not for you.
IF he doesnt take counsling then you need to move on with your life, because this can only get worse...and trust me, my husband was on his way to leading a alocholic life, but i threatend to leave him,and he hasnt drank since....i told him i dont want to marry an alcoholic cuz my father was one, and it ruined my family, and i dont want the same thing to happen to me...
he has to understand what this is doing to your family, and if he wants to be wtih you, u should tell him he has to QUIT%26gt; :))
maybe u should allow him to smoke pot insted, since its less harmful
Until he suffers a DUI or has some other type of run in with the law, his job or suffers a health problem or accident I wouldn't expect you can do much if anything. You can try al-anon since he won't get the help he needs but by the sounds of it until he bottoms out and you lose something you've worked for during the marriage he won't help himself or you. Consider moving out since it may give him a wake up call of sorts but realize he probably won't change until law enforcement makes him change somehow.
He's not a functional alcoholic. He needs counseling, and so do you and probably the kids depending on their ages.
He's got to stop drinking, because eventually it will kill him. Either his liver will fail, or he'll get hurt in an accident.
He's missing out on his life, and seeing his children grow up. Tell him that.
But remember, he has to want to change in order to. And you cant do it for him, but you can be there beside him as he goes through it.
You both need to get help. You might spend years hoping that the problem will improve on it's own. In the mean time your kids are growing up fast and time is ticking away. They are going to soon know things are wrong w/ their dad, if they don't already. Just do what you know is best for them and you will do what is right.
He doesn't drink a lot at all- he wasn't even drinking like an alcoholic when you said he ws drinking a lot. you need to realize you got a good man and stop b*tching!
It's been 6 years if he hasn't changed yet he isn't going to change on his own. He needs to get some help and you need to stop enabling him. I'm sorry I just don't see any progress he is still drinking every night and binge drinking on the weekends this is not progress.
You should join an alanon program and he needs to either join AA or get into a rehab.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h
If you don't insist that either he gets help or gets out then this will go on like this forever....are you willing to live like this forever???
I was married to an alcoholic for 11 yrs they don't change unless they want to I took my two children and finally moved on enough is enough when the alchol comes before the family, he has to want the help. till this day my ex husband is still a lousy drunk I thank God I left when I did I wish I would have left sooner of course. they get worse before they get better
hes not going to change unless he is truely ready to. You cant force him bc it wont work
Monday, December 12, 2011
How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?
I tell him how it makes me feel, and he told me that he doesn't care. My mom just tells me to suck it up. She's never here to see it anyway. Both of my brothers are never home either. They say I need an attitude ajustment, but all I want is to have a conversation with my dad. He just won't listen. No matter how hard I cry. I'm seriously contemplating killing myself because it's so out of hand. I have nothing to do with my life either, so it makes it hard to just hide in my room all day. I'm too afraid to go near him thinking that it may eventually get physical...How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?
Sweetie, please don't give up. My heart really goes out to you. It doesn't sound like your mom or brothers are any support, which is their failure, not yours. You've done nothing wrong, and are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You seem to be the only one in your family with any sense.
Not knowing how old you are, I'm wondering if you have any Aunts or Uncles that you could call. If so, explain to them that you've tried to communicate with your family about this, and that none of them are interested in helping to turn the situation around. Explain to them that you can't live in those conditions any longer. Would it be possible for you to move in with another relative, or a family of a good friend? If you're religious, you could also go talk to someone at church. I wish you all the best.How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?
Share a case of beer with him, and you'll have plenty of conversations with him. It beats killing yourself.
mom was a drunk who wuld run in my room and told me to get out she had to take a piss
dad is a stoner/smoker/alcoholic
im 12...they dont stop, my mom did...but nope
omgggg!!!!! ik exactly how u feel. Okayy. Its not an easy thing to deal with i hate it so much! dont kill urself plzz . i have came so close to i have actually tried with many failed attempts. but its taking the easy way out u jus have to keep trying and trying to talk to him. get outside help from a counsler or other family. make him relize how hes affecting u
That's exactly what I am going through right now! Exept my mother passed away when I was 9. But now I'm 14. Wat you should do if you have already talked to your mother. Talk to your brothers. I told my brothers what was going on and they told me that they went through it too. They gave me tons of support and made me feel a heck of a lot better. Try talking to an aunt, or an uncle, or maybe even your grandparents? If you don't have family to talk to try friends. Try to tell your friends or their parents how you feel, maybe they can talk to your dad or mom and help you out. Yo could also talk to your school counceler (sp?) But it's summer so if you can't do that, call the police ONLY if you are in danger. If you need someone to talk to with experience, e-mail me. greengoblin500@yahoo.com . We can help each other out. I'll be praying for you.
you can lead a horse to water yet you can not make it drink and for aclkys you cant stop them they have to stop themselves .What you can do is control your self see what is going on and remember when you get older not to do the same i watched my father drink himself into oblivion night after night for like 20 years it was horrible
he finall quit when i was like 27 years old i know long time eh it is hard and it sometimes gets much worse .You can only control you so thats who you work on not your dad and dont share a case with him tracy get a grip !!!!killing yourself is not an option at aLL you already know that one is not a good idea at all be true to you and go to alanon or aa which ever you can find look up facts on the net for dealing with drunken morons and choose the best for u love you lots you will be ok and life must go on live it to the best of your sbility and have a load of fun dont sweat or worry about what you cannot change
hey i had the same question and you told me to look at you question. don't kill your self over your dads mistakes. Even though times are rough they will get better. I've thought about killing my self alot but then there are days im glad a didnt kill my self. I have a bestfriend who helps me alot. look for suportive people they will always help you.
I'm sorry, but so many of us have alcoholic parents. Killing yourself is a bit extreme, don't you think? Especially seeing as you wont live there your entire life. Think about it. That would be letting them win if you let them get to you.
Honey, there is nothing you can do. I'm so sorry for you, and i understand your pain COMPLETELY, but you just have to get good headphones when they get on rants and rages and lock your door. Get the **** outta there when you can. You can call AA or Intervention, but I doubt you will. I know because I never did that myself. You can get emancipated, but maybe you are too young or maybe you love them too much. And the part about no one else caring about your opinion, well just do like you did here and get it off your chest by talking to others. Be positive, stay away from home as late as possible, and deal with it for now.
EDIT: I do like someone's idea to call outside relatives and tell them. Maybe they could help you out? But, at the same time, think about how your dad will react when he finds out you went behind his back and told someone else. I don't know how ugly it is with you, but I never did that. It caused too much problems.
Sorry for your pain. If you ever wanna talk, just email me at lanarosalte@yahoo.com. I'd love to chat, maybe help you cope? Like i said, i've been there. And you don't have to be alone.handling exceptions domain name registration
Sweetie, please don't give up. My heart really goes out to you. It doesn't sound like your mom or brothers are any support, which is their failure, not yours. You've done nothing wrong, and are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You seem to be the only one in your family with any sense.
Not knowing how old you are, I'm wondering if you have any Aunts or Uncles that you could call. If so, explain to them that you've tried to communicate with your family about this, and that none of them are interested in helping to turn the situation around. Explain to them that you can't live in those conditions any longer. Would it be possible for you to move in with another relative, or a family of a good friend? If you're religious, you could also go talk to someone at church. I wish you all the best.How do I deal with my dad being an alcoholic?
Share a case of beer with him, and you'll have plenty of conversations with him. It beats killing yourself.
mom was a drunk who wuld run in my room and told me to get out she had to take a piss
dad is a stoner/smoker/alcoholic
im 12...they dont stop, my mom did...but nope
omgggg!!!!! ik exactly how u feel. Okayy. Its not an easy thing to deal with i hate it so much! dont kill urself plzz . i have came so close to i have actually tried with many failed attempts. but its taking the easy way out u jus have to keep trying and trying to talk to him. get outside help from a counsler or other family. make him relize how hes affecting u
That's exactly what I am going through right now! Exept my mother passed away when I was 9. But now I'm 14. Wat you should do if you have already talked to your mother. Talk to your brothers. I told my brothers what was going on and they told me that they went through it too. They gave me tons of support and made me feel a heck of a lot better. Try talking to an aunt, or an uncle, or maybe even your grandparents? If you don't have family to talk to try friends. Try to tell your friends or their parents how you feel, maybe they can talk to your dad or mom and help you out. Yo could also talk to your school counceler (sp?) But it's summer so if you can't do that, call the police ONLY if you are in danger. If you need someone to talk to with experience, e-mail me. greengoblin500@yahoo.com . We can help each other out. I'll be praying for you.
you can lead a horse to water yet you can not make it drink and for aclkys you cant stop them they have to stop themselves .What you can do is control your self see what is going on and remember when you get older not to do the same i watched my father drink himself into oblivion night after night for like 20 years it was horrible
he finall quit when i was like 27 years old i know long time eh it is hard and it sometimes gets much worse .You can only control you so thats who you work on not your dad and dont share a case with him tracy get a grip !!!!killing yourself is not an option at aLL you already know that one is not a good idea at all be true to you and go to alanon or aa which ever you can find look up facts on the net for dealing with drunken morons and choose the best for u love you lots you will be ok and life must go on live it to the best of your sbility and have a load of fun dont sweat or worry about what you cannot change
hey i had the same question and you told me to look at you question. don't kill your self over your dads mistakes. Even though times are rough they will get better. I've thought about killing my self alot but then there are days im glad a didnt kill my self. I have a bestfriend who helps me alot. look for suportive people they will always help you.
I'm sorry, but so many of us have alcoholic parents. Killing yourself is a bit extreme, don't you think? Especially seeing as you wont live there your entire life. Think about it. That would be letting them win if you let them get to you.
Honey, there is nothing you can do. I'm so sorry for you, and i understand your pain COMPLETELY, but you just have to get good headphones when they get on rants and rages and lock your door. Get the **** outta there when you can. You can call AA or Intervention, but I doubt you will. I know because I never did that myself. You can get emancipated, but maybe you are too young or maybe you love them too much. And the part about no one else caring about your opinion, well just do like you did here and get it off your chest by talking to others. Be positive, stay away from home as late as possible, and deal with it for now.
EDIT: I do like someone's idea to call outside relatives and tell them. Maybe they could help you out? But, at the same time, think about how your dad will react when he finds out you went behind his back and told someone else. I don't know how ugly it is with you, but I never did that. It caused too much problems.
Sorry for your pain. If you ever wanna talk, just email me at lanarosalte@yahoo.com. I'd love to chat, maybe help you cope? Like i said, i've been there. And you don't have to be alone.
Is fruit wine bad for health?
my husband a alcoholic, however he just love to drink fruit wine like berry, cherry, grape. I wonder is it good or bad becasue some said grape wine good for heart, ect. please give me some clue about fruit wine effects and how to deal with alcoholicIs fruit wine bad for health?
wine is good for your health
its full of antioxidants, and the small amout of alchol daily is actually good for your heart.
however, its not recommended that an alcoholic ever have alcohol, since it can very easily cause a relaplse. Its best to just drink fruit juice, which has many of the same traits, or natural cider vinegar, that also has a lot of the same benefits.Is fruit wine bad for health?
wine is good for the heart. the dr. told me one glass a day. as for dealing with your husband. take him to A.A. if he will go. other wise
there is nothing you can do ,but live with him and pray he gets help.
only red wine is good for you and that is one glass a day only anymore and with time say by by to the liver and life. Here is how you deal with your alcoholic husband rehab detox and/or devorce he wont get better till he puts down the bottle
Many interesting dishes here http://regularcooking.blogspot.com
There are nice %26amp; easy dishes also good for health.
Thank you for answers.yahoo.com
This site can help you a lot http://mustlovewine.com/home.php
wine is good for your health
its full of antioxidants, and the small amout of alchol daily is actually good for your heart.
however, its not recommended that an alcoholic ever have alcohol, since it can very easily cause a relaplse. Its best to just drink fruit juice, which has many of the same traits, or natural cider vinegar, that also has a lot of the same benefits.Is fruit wine bad for health?
wine is good for the heart. the dr. told me one glass a day. as for dealing with your husband. take him to A.A. if he will go. other wise
there is nothing you can do ,but live with him and pray he gets help.
only red wine is good for you and that is one glass a day only anymore and with time say by by to the liver and life. Here is how you deal with your alcoholic husband rehab detox and/or devorce he wont get better till he puts down the bottle
Many interesting dishes here http://regularcooking.blogspot.com
There are nice %26amp; easy dishes also good for health.
Thank you for answers.yahoo.com
This site can help you a lot http://mustlovewine.com/home.php
Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?
My friend and I met about 6 months ago and she and I seemed to have a lot in common. Our husbands are Marines and work together, and we all get together. When our husbands have to go on missions or operations we often get together to pass the time. It's nice because I don't have many friends here. But, I have a problem with her. Every single time I have gone out with her (whether with our husbands, or just alone with her) she begins drinking and will not stop at just 2 or 3. When her husband is with us, it's annoying, but not as big of a deal, because he takes care of her. But, if it's just me and her, I have to ';babysit'; her. People often look at her because she becomes so out of control, and of course I have to watch out for her. I will only have a couple of beers and stop if I see her begin to order shots or her drinking picks up. This weekend, the cops wanted to arrest her for being drunk in public! I sorted everything out with them and saved her from that humiliation and having to explain it to her husband. I want to help and I don't know if this qualifies her as an alcoholic, but I'm tired of dealing with her acting like this. She loses all control and often blacks out. She falls down, trips, slurs, approaches strangers, you get it... She will even become slightly belligerent. My issue is that our husbands work together and I don't want to put any more stress on my husband's already very high stress job. Does anyone have any ideas or advice? And is she an alcoholic? She has a job and doesn't miss it for drinking, but she only drinks one brand of beer and one type of liquor for shots. She also drinks alone when her husband is not there. Please, any help would be appreciated.Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?
That's awful... you're a good friend. It's too bad that sometimes people just don't see you till they lose you. The best advice I can give you, though it may be hard (yes that's most definitely alcoholic right there) is to let her have the natural consequences of her behavior. It's harsh, but honestly, she's an adult, and it's NOT your job to clean up after her irresponsible behavior. She should know what an okay amount to drink is, and if she really wants to get stoned, she should have the guts to do it at her house, where she's less likely to get in trouble. It may be unpleasant for you to see, but she needs to grow up and learn a little self control. Trust me hon, I've been there. I'm not married to a marine or anything, but I've had a friend like that before and it'll only get worse unless you let them have their own consequences. Really, otherwise they'll never learn to change. Sometimes it takes being knocked on flat on your butt to find out that something need to change and you need to take charge of your life. Seriously, she can find better things to do with her time, if all of it is spent waiting, like taking up a sport, or hobby, or going back to school even. The options and possibilities are endless. With people like that, you can't just tell them to stop-- they can't control themselves because most of the time they've never learned how. So the best you can do for your friend is to let her learn how to. I'm sorry there's not more you can do. I know it feels terrible and awful to let a friend do something like that, esp. when you feel their pain and heartache but if you really care, let her learn. I wish you and your friend the best!Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?
I know this sounds kind of simple, but you should talk to her first, she may talk back to you, and tell you what's going on. Maybe it runs in her family or something, or maybe she just likes to drink.. i think you should talk to her, and if she doesn't listen, talk to your husband and ask what he thinks, he knows her husband, so maybe he might be able to help a little bit.
She's an alcoholic. Blackouts alone qualify her. I don't think it's healthy for you to start becoming her guardian. You may have to tell her that it upsets you, you can't deal with it, and you cannot be around her when she's drinking. She may not like it, but your life comes before hers. You can urge her to go to an AA meeting, because I think that's where she'll get help.
That's awful... you're a good friend. It's too bad that sometimes people just don't see you till they lose you. The best advice I can give you, though it may be hard (yes that's most definitely alcoholic right there) is to let her have the natural consequences of her behavior. It's harsh, but honestly, she's an adult, and it's NOT your job to clean up after her irresponsible behavior. She should know what an okay amount to drink is, and if she really wants to get stoned, she should have the guts to do it at her house, where she's less likely to get in trouble. It may be unpleasant for you to see, but she needs to grow up and learn a little self control. Trust me hon, I've been there. I'm not married to a marine or anything, but I've had a friend like that before and it'll only get worse unless you let them have their own consequences. Really, otherwise they'll never learn to change. Sometimes it takes being knocked on flat on your butt to find out that something need to change and you need to take charge of your life. Seriously, she can find better things to do with her time, if all of it is spent waiting, like taking up a sport, or hobby, or going back to school even. The options and possibilities are endless. With people like that, you can't just tell them to stop-- they can't control themselves because most of the time they've never learned how. So the best you can do for your friend is to let her learn how to. I'm sorry there's not more you can do. I know it feels terrible and awful to let a friend do something like that, esp. when you feel their pain and heartache but if you really care, let her learn. I wish you and your friend the best!Is my friend an alcoholic? How do I tell her I don't want to deal with her binge drinking anymore?
I know this sounds kind of simple, but you should talk to her first, she may talk back to you, and tell you what's going on. Maybe it runs in her family or something, or maybe she just likes to drink.. i think you should talk to her, and if she doesn't listen, talk to your husband and ask what he thinks, he knows her husband, so maybe he might be able to help a little bit.
She's an alcoholic. Blackouts alone qualify her. I don't think it's healthy for you to start becoming her guardian. You may have to tell her that it upsets you, you can't deal with it, and you cannot be around her when she's drinking. She may not like it, but your life comes before hers. You can urge her to go to an AA meeting, because I think that's where she'll get help.
How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?
Life can be too much to handle,how has your family handled it ?How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?
My childs father put us in this situation. :(
I had an intervention with him. I sat him down and told him that he MUST stop drinking. He had to get help asap, go to AA meeting, go to treatment, but I wasn't going to allow this infront of our child.
He promised that he didn't need treatment and could do it on his own. I told him that if he couldn't our relationship would be over- I mean I had done everything I felt I could.
He of course couldn't quit, and I left him. He greatly misses his family as it once was, and we (as a family) will never be the same again). Honestly our child is in a better enviroment without a drinking %26amp; driving, mood swinging, unemployed, angry alcoholic.How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?
You have to set boundaries and make the one with the problem follow them. You have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You cant deviate from these boundaries or you set yourself up for failure.
If I had a family I would probably disown them. I give him/her some cash to change their surname, so my family name does not get tainted.
No alcohol, No smoking, No tea, No drugs, No coffee would be my rules.
I HAD EM IN MY FAMILY IT WERE HARD WATCH EM ACT THE FOOL!I COUNLDNT STAND IT THATS Y I DONT GO FAMILY GATHERING B/C THEY DRINK INSTEAD BEING OF HUMAN!I HAVE BROTHER IN LAW WHO DRINK EVERYDAY ALL DAY ALONE I CANT STAND IT WHEN HE DRINKS!
Set up an intervention with family and friends. The alcoholic thought he was going to a party but once there we all cornered him. He agreed to get help and at that time realized for the first time he had a problem. We told him we already had an out-patient rehab already set up for him so it wouldn't interfer with his work. He has now been sober for 5 years and still goes to AA meetings.
When my father use to drink and come home drunk, my mother use to beat him with a wet towel, he would wake up sore as hell...I thought it was funny. Of course this is not how you deal with this problem...one step at a time and support as far as them going to meetings and what not. I use to be a closet alcoholic...it was bad.
You need to go to Al Anon meetings. Al Anon is a group devoted to helping the loved ones of alcoholics with all their issues of having trouble dealing with it and such.
My childs father put us in this situation. :(
I had an intervention with him. I sat him down and told him that he MUST stop drinking. He had to get help asap, go to AA meeting, go to treatment, but I wasn't going to allow this infront of our child.
He promised that he didn't need treatment and could do it on his own. I told him that if he couldn't our relationship would be over- I mean I had done everything I felt I could.
He of course couldn't quit, and I left him. He greatly misses his family as it once was, and we (as a family) will never be the same again). Honestly our child is in a better enviroment without a drinking %26amp; driving, mood swinging, unemployed, angry alcoholic.How has your family dealt with a alcoholic?
You have to set boundaries and make the one with the problem follow them. You have to protect yourself and the rest of your family. You cant deviate from these boundaries or you set yourself up for failure.
If I had a family I would probably disown them. I give him/her some cash to change their surname, so my family name does not get tainted.
No alcohol, No smoking, No tea, No drugs, No coffee would be my rules.
I HAD EM IN MY FAMILY IT WERE HARD WATCH EM ACT THE FOOL!I COUNLDNT STAND IT THATS Y I DONT GO FAMILY GATHERING B/C THEY DRINK INSTEAD BEING OF HUMAN!I HAVE BROTHER IN LAW WHO DRINK EVERYDAY ALL DAY ALONE I CANT STAND IT WHEN HE DRINKS!
Set up an intervention with family and friends. The alcoholic thought he was going to a party but once there we all cornered him. He agreed to get help and at that time realized for the first time he had a problem. We told him we already had an out-patient rehab already set up for him so it wouldn't interfer with his work. He has now been sober for 5 years and still goes to AA meetings.
When my father use to drink and come home drunk, my mother use to beat him with a wet towel, he would wake up sore as hell...I thought it was funny. Of course this is not how you deal with this problem...one step at a time and support as far as them going to meetings and what not. I use to be a closet alcoholic...it was bad.
You need to go to Al Anon meetings. Al Anon is a group devoted to helping the loved ones of alcoholics with all their issues of having trouble dealing with it and such.
How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
My Dad is making me lose my mind.
I'm 19, go to a community college (am in my second semester), get mostly As and some Bs... my parents pay for my schooling. I appreciate it everyday!
I'm an aspiring audio engineer... i study every aspect of the profession on a daily basis. I have a 100 average in all my Music classes thus far and have been told by my engineering teachers that THIS IS the path for me.
-I work 25+ hours a week at a grocery store but am starting to actively look for internships.
-I'm in a jam band with 9 other friends (on drums). We chill nearly daily, play disc golf, motivate each other to achieve our dreams, and go out drinking and partying on weekends. None of us are reckless... none of us do ';hard drugs';... Most of my friends smoke weed, but I haven't in months because it makes me too lazy. I just stick to the weekend brews, by personal decision.
-I paid for my car with my own cash.
My Dad is the only gloom on these great college years. He drinks a 30 pack of Keystone every night and smokes a pack of cigarettes a day... You can see his lifestyle all over his face...
He has extremely high blood pressure and is very high strung in general. We can be having a conversation and all of a sudden he will start yelling.
He has OCD... which is frustrating for me because i'm incredibly chilled out. I've got long dreadlocks... (i'm a little part black so i can pull them off extremely well, but my dad HATES it)
he is constantly closing doors, yelling at me for leaving my bedroom light on for just 3 or 4 minutes while i am downstairs, and yelling at my mother for every ridiculous reason imaginable.
I believe it is a defense mechanism. He tries to nitpick every small fault of others around him to justify his alcoholism and life threatening ways.
Not only that, but he uses the fact that i live at home against me. I constantly hear ';You live in this house! My rules!';, even telling them i'm going to sleep over at a friends house on a weekend night.
I feel like i can't mature in this environment. I know this has turned into a ramble... but how do you young adults deal with an irresponsible parent that can't help but treat you like a little boy?!How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
Get a scholarship and an apartment. It's time to move on. You can't change your dad, but you can stop him and his choices from affecting your life and your future. Don't drink- you are underage and it is against the law. You could ruin a very promising future, and it isn't worth the risk. Good luck.How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
the only way to deal is just to find other places to hang out and to live. my mom was REALLY difficult when i still lived at home with my parents. the only way it ever got better was by living on my own. our relationship is so much better now, because she doesn't control my life anymore.
no matter what, your dad will find something to get angry about. just know it's about him, not you. as soon as you can manage it, find a way to get your own place.
and good job on your accomplishments so far!
YOu will eventually leave there. Be on your own. Only then will you do what I did. Realize that your dad is who he is, and he in no way reflects on you. I love my dad, and have a close relationship with him, but there are certain things about him that used to make me miserable. Then I found out I don't need to feel miserable. They are his issues, not mine. Once it is not a daily part of your life, it won't bother you anymore.
Not good but it sounds like you are dealing farily well with it. The best bet is to get out of there. You can't change him... so it is either tolerate the situation or find other arrangements which might be tough if they are paying for your schooling. What does mom say? She had to deal with him longer then you... maybe she might have some thoughts. Just becareful, sounds like it could be dangerous, even if he doesn't mean to be.
Unfortunately, you will be putting up with your dad's messed-up behavior as long as you are under his roof.
About all you can do is try to stay out of his orbit, and do all the basic stuff to stay off his radar (pick up after yourself, do your chores). When he goes on a rant, you just stand there and look at his face and agree with him... he wants validation.
With a little luck, he'll croak-off soon enough.
You can probably do a nice internship as audio engineer at one of the bigger churches. We have some ';mega churches'; here in Houston with major music programs and audio and video. Check the performing arts organizations in your area as well.
I'm 19, go to a community college (am in my second semester), get mostly As and some Bs... my parents pay for my schooling. I appreciate it everyday!
I'm an aspiring audio engineer... i study every aspect of the profession on a daily basis. I have a 100 average in all my Music classes thus far and have been told by my engineering teachers that THIS IS the path for me.
-I work 25+ hours a week at a grocery store but am starting to actively look for internships.
-I'm in a jam band with 9 other friends (on drums). We chill nearly daily, play disc golf, motivate each other to achieve our dreams, and go out drinking and partying on weekends. None of us are reckless... none of us do ';hard drugs';... Most of my friends smoke weed, but I haven't in months because it makes me too lazy. I just stick to the weekend brews, by personal decision.
-I paid for my car with my own cash.
My Dad is the only gloom on these great college years. He drinks a 30 pack of Keystone every night and smokes a pack of cigarettes a day... You can see his lifestyle all over his face...
He has extremely high blood pressure and is very high strung in general. We can be having a conversation and all of a sudden he will start yelling.
He has OCD... which is frustrating for me because i'm incredibly chilled out. I've got long dreadlocks... (i'm a little part black so i can pull them off extremely well, but my dad HATES it)
he is constantly closing doors, yelling at me for leaving my bedroom light on for just 3 or 4 minutes while i am downstairs, and yelling at my mother for every ridiculous reason imaginable.
I believe it is a defense mechanism. He tries to nitpick every small fault of others around him to justify his alcoholism and life threatening ways.
Not only that, but he uses the fact that i live at home against me. I constantly hear ';You live in this house! My rules!';, even telling them i'm going to sleep over at a friends house on a weekend night.
I feel like i can't mature in this environment. I know this has turned into a ramble... but how do you young adults deal with an irresponsible parent that can't help but treat you like a little boy?!How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
Get a scholarship and an apartment. It's time to move on. You can't change your dad, but you can stop him and his choices from affecting your life and your future. Don't drink- you are underage and it is against the law. You could ruin a very promising future, and it isn't worth the risk. Good luck.How to deal with a controlling alcoholic OCD Dad?
the only way to deal is just to find other places to hang out and to live. my mom was REALLY difficult when i still lived at home with my parents. the only way it ever got better was by living on my own. our relationship is so much better now, because she doesn't control my life anymore.
no matter what, your dad will find something to get angry about. just know it's about him, not you. as soon as you can manage it, find a way to get your own place.
and good job on your accomplishments so far!
YOu will eventually leave there. Be on your own. Only then will you do what I did. Realize that your dad is who he is, and he in no way reflects on you. I love my dad, and have a close relationship with him, but there are certain things about him that used to make me miserable. Then I found out I don't need to feel miserable. They are his issues, not mine. Once it is not a daily part of your life, it won't bother you anymore.
Not good but it sounds like you are dealing farily well with it. The best bet is to get out of there. You can't change him... so it is either tolerate the situation or find other arrangements which might be tough if they are paying for your schooling. What does mom say? She had to deal with him longer then you... maybe she might have some thoughts. Just becareful, sounds like it could be dangerous, even if he doesn't mean to be.
Unfortunately, you will be putting up with your dad's messed-up behavior as long as you are under his roof.
About all you can do is try to stay out of his orbit, and do all the basic stuff to stay off his radar (pick up after yourself, do your chores). When he goes on a rant, you just stand there and look at his face and agree with him... he wants validation.
With a little luck, he'll croak-off soon enough.
You can probably do a nice internship as audio engineer at one of the bigger churches. We have some ';mega churches'; here in Houston with major music programs and audio and video. Check the performing arts organizations in your area as well.
I have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?
My dad is always there for me when something happens but im scared. how do i deal with this issue?I have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?
God is always there for you too . Pray ask Jesus into your heart , ask God for Wisdom , read your Bible everyday . Pray for your Mama , Jesus Loves her Too , I am sure she loves you very much , but her mind is not dealing with things well , and she thinks if she drinks she can forget for a while all of her troubles , but the truth is , if she will ask God to help her he will . But if you need to ask your Dad if you can stay with him , if he is more stable right now , but continue to pray for your Mama . I know this is very difficult for you , and God knows too , but he waits for you to ask for help , he is polite he will not just come in and take over , until you ask , so just pray %26amp; ask , I wish you well sweetieI have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?
Yes , Praying works for anyone that will pray , I am so glad to know that you feel better , and if you will continue to Pray , God will work things out for you %26amp; your family . I wish you well Sweetie
Look into going to Al-Anon meetings. They will benefit you greatly and give you better clarity in what is going on around you. Can you live with your father? Talk to him and share your fears with him. Maybe that's what your mother needs to sober up.
God bless!
Go live with your dad. It will be best.
God is always there for you too . Pray ask Jesus into your heart , ask God for Wisdom , read your Bible everyday . Pray for your Mama , Jesus Loves her Too , I am sure she loves you very much , but her mind is not dealing with things well , and she thinks if she drinks she can forget for a while all of her troubles , but the truth is , if she will ask God to help her he will . But if you need to ask your Dad if you can stay with him , if he is more stable right now , but continue to pray for your Mama . I know this is very difficult for you , and God knows too , but he waits for you to ask for help , he is polite he will not just come in and take over , until you ask , so just pray %26amp; ask , I wish you well sweetieI have an alcoholic mom and its really hard to deal with.i am barly a teenager and my parents are devorced...?
Yes , Praying works for anyone that will pray , I am so glad to know that you feel better , and if you will continue to Pray , God will work things out for you %26amp; your family . I wish you well Sweetie
Report Abuse
Look into going to Al-Anon meetings. They will benefit you greatly and give you better clarity in what is going on around you. Can you live with your father? Talk to him and share your fears with him. Maybe that's what your mother needs to sober up.
God bless!
Go live with your dad. It will be best.
How do yo deal with falling for an alcoholic?
I have met a wonderful man three months ago. We have a long distance relationship. We talk on the phone alot when he is on the road being he is a truck driver. We have had very sincere deep conversations I feel very comfortable with him.. He has recently come to see me twice. We both enjoy drinking and having a good time. I have since gone to his home town and spent time with him and feel myself falling very hard for him .Our last visit he told me he had a very serious dringking problem that I was not aware of cuz he always seems the same happy person. I left to come home a week ago so as of last Sunday he said he was going to detox and it would be a hard time for him. He says he knows I want more but right now he needs to help himself.. Hes called only twice since Sunday when he used to call several times a day. I miss him He told me we would never loose touch and that he would always care We had such a good time and he treated me so well Do you think I ve lost himHow do yo deal with falling for an alcoholic?
Lost him? You can't keep an alcoholic - they are committed to the drink. If he is working on his problem it could be that he cares very much for you and wants to shield you from this negative side of himself.
If I find someone I am dating is alcoholic I walk away - I've had too much trouble with them. If you are inclined to stick around I would watch very carfully and see what happens. Better to learn this stuff early than too late.
Peace!How do yo deal with falling for an alcoholic?
I feel for ya. If he is serious about getting sober than he has to take care of himself no matter what. He will need a lot of support. He will need to go to many AA meetings if he chooses. Getting into a relationship when first becoming sober is very dangerous. He could relapse. Being an alcoholic, whether a drinking one or a sober one is nothing to take lightly. I know how you feel, but I also know that for him, this is a life or death matter.print out the mistakes vb
Lost him? You can't keep an alcoholic - they are committed to the drink. If he is working on his problem it could be that he cares very much for you and wants to shield you from this negative side of himself.
If I find someone I am dating is alcoholic I walk away - I've had too much trouble with them. If you are inclined to stick around I would watch very carfully and see what happens. Better to learn this stuff early than too late.
Peace!How do yo deal with falling for an alcoholic?
I feel for ya. If he is serious about getting sober than he has to take care of himself no matter what. He will need a lot of support. He will need to go to many AA meetings if he chooses. Getting into a relationship when first becoming sober is very dangerous. He could relapse. Being an alcoholic, whether a drinking one or a sober one is nothing to take lightly. I know how you feel, but I also know that for him, this is a life or death matter.
How do i deal with my mom being an alcoholic?
my mom is a major alcoholic and i am 16 and as a 16 year old you want your mom there it just seems like she don't care about me and i call her she but she don't wanna talk to want to talk to me what should i doHow do i deal with my mom being an alcoholic?
I am very sorry as a young person you're having to deal with this. Many prayers are sent your way.
Find support. It's good to share your feelings with a friend, but it's equally important to talk to an adult you trust. A school counselor, favorite teacher, or coach may be able to help. Some teens turn to their school D.A.R.E. (Drug and Alcohol Resistance Education) officer, whereas others find a sympathetic uncle or aunt.
Find a safe environment. If you find yourself avoiding your house as much as possible, or if you're thinking about running away, consider whether you feel in danger at home. If you feel that the situation at home is becoming dangerous, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. And never hesitate to dial 911 if you think you or another family member is in immediate danger.
Because alcoholism is a disease and not a behavior, chances are that you won't be able to change your parent's actions. But you can show your love and support ?and, above all, take care of yourself.How do i deal with my mom being an alcoholic?
Here are some links that might help you:
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/b
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/support/u
There are support groups out there. You just have to find one and see if they're what you're looking for.
Remember, you're not alone. It may feel like that, but you're not. You've got friends and family to turn to, and there are lots of other people out there in very similar situations.
Good luck.
Join her!
Try to talk to another adult about this.Your mom needs help and im sure she loves you its just hard to show because of her illness.Google alanon.See if you have one in your area.For now just be around people that make you feel safe and well.Good luck to you.
attend meetings with her
I am very sorry as a young person you're having to deal with this. Many prayers are sent your way.
Find support. It's good to share your feelings with a friend, but it's equally important to talk to an adult you trust. A school counselor, favorite teacher, or coach may be able to help. Some teens turn to their school D.A.R.E. (Drug and Alcohol Resistance Education) officer, whereas others find a sympathetic uncle or aunt.
Find a safe environment. If you find yourself avoiding your house as much as possible, or if you're thinking about running away, consider whether you feel in danger at home. If you feel that the situation at home is becoming dangerous, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE. And never hesitate to dial 911 if you think you or another family member is in immediate danger.
Because alcoholism is a disease and not a behavior, chances are that you won't be able to change your parent's actions. But you can show your love and support ?and, above all, take care of yourself.How do i deal with my mom being an alcoholic?
Here are some links that might help you:
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/b
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/support/u
There are support groups out there. You just have to find one and see if they're what you're looking for.
Remember, you're not alone. It may feel like that, but you're not. You've got friends and family to turn to, and there are lots of other people out there in very similar situations.
Good luck.
Join her!
Try to talk to another adult about this.Your mom needs help and im sure she loves you its just hard to show because of her illness.Google alanon.See if you have one in your area.For now just be around people that make you feel safe and well.Good luck to you.
attend meetings with her
How do I deal with my father being an alcoholic?
my father has been an alcoholic for 17 years or so..he has never wanted to get help because he saids he does not have a problem..he was never violent with us or my mother but he argues to much specially with me..My mother finally kicked him out of the house 2 days ago but he keeps coming back, i hate that he does not get the picture..Im getting very impatient with him and don't know what to do.How do I deal with my father being an alcoholic?
Take care of your own life. Live your own life. Don't let his choices/addiction alter the course of your own life. Accept the limititations of influence you can have over another human being. Accept him doing what he does and get on with your life.How do I deal with my father being an alcoholic?
try to get help from school talk to your counselor or somebody and maybe they can help you out wit your dad they'll get some detectives or idk thats what they did to my friend her mom got some help wit a friend from work and the cops and took her step dad from the house and he must stay away cuz then they'll arrest him
Love him, for one.
And accept him, despite his flaws.
Maybe, instead of kicking him out, you and your mother could try to get him help. Telling him that he has a problem, isn't enough. You need to make him seek help, find help for him yourself if you have to.
If you don't care enough to help him, maybe he will get on just fine by himself. Sometimes, alcoholics can stop by themselves. My dad did.
He has to admit to himself that he has a problem before he can get any kind of help. Sounds like he doesn't want to change. Your mom did the right thing. I hope she won't let him back in till he gets help.
Talk to your mother about this, and see if she is willing to look into some outside help. It's hard to help an alcoholic, honestly, because once you have that addiction, it takes over your life. Somehow your mother, or you (or anyone else close) need to open up his eyes to what is going on. Are there things that he used to do, that he won't anymore? Specifically hobbies, things he's interested in, spending time with his kid(s) %26amp; wife.
I so hate telling people this, but - it's hard to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. You all have obviously given him time to get this under control, and now I think it's time for an ultimatum - either straighten up and get help (with your support, of course), or he's going to have to find someplace else to live... I know that sound harsh, but sometimes that's what it takes.
Best of luck to you hunny...it can be hard.
Hey Zaira
Without sounding cockey, your father having issues with alcohol is not your fault, and it is important to remember that each individual has their own roads to take and journeys to make.
I think what you needc to work out is how best you cope in your own right, and you may consider a whole host of options, but whatever you decide he will still be your father.
Sometimes i think we so want the best for the people we love, that we often forget to let them be their own person, however maybe your mother kicking him out is the tonic he needs, and maybe she allowe it to go on for too long, but as i said we all get there when we will, and this is also true of your mother.
I just hope that it does have a positive ending.
Good luck
GA
Good luck on him stopping on his own, especially if he does not think he has a problem! It's tough having an alcoholic as a parent --- it's like not much of a parent. Counseling is a great idea for you.
One of the problems with having a parent who is an alcoholic is that somehow everything is blamed on them. It's like if they were not there, everything would be okay.
If you've lived with an alcoholic all these years, the whole family is damaged. Talking with others with the same problem could be really helpful.
well there's really nothing you can do he has to make the choice weather to get help
Take care of your own life. Live your own life. Don't let his choices/addiction alter the course of your own life. Accept the limititations of influence you can have over another human being. Accept him doing what he does and get on with your life.How do I deal with my father being an alcoholic?
try to get help from school talk to your counselor or somebody and maybe they can help you out wit your dad they'll get some detectives or idk thats what they did to my friend her mom got some help wit a friend from work and the cops and took her step dad from the house and he must stay away cuz then they'll arrest him
Love him, for one.
And accept him, despite his flaws.
Maybe, instead of kicking him out, you and your mother could try to get him help. Telling him that he has a problem, isn't enough. You need to make him seek help, find help for him yourself if you have to.
If you don't care enough to help him, maybe he will get on just fine by himself. Sometimes, alcoholics can stop by themselves. My dad did.
He has to admit to himself that he has a problem before he can get any kind of help. Sounds like he doesn't want to change. Your mom did the right thing. I hope she won't let him back in till he gets help.
Talk to your mother about this, and see if she is willing to look into some outside help. It's hard to help an alcoholic, honestly, because once you have that addiction, it takes over your life. Somehow your mother, or you (or anyone else close) need to open up his eyes to what is going on. Are there things that he used to do, that he won't anymore? Specifically hobbies, things he's interested in, spending time with his kid(s) %26amp; wife.
I so hate telling people this, but - it's hard to help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. You all have obviously given him time to get this under control, and now I think it's time for an ultimatum - either straighten up and get help (with your support, of course), or he's going to have to find someplace else to live... I know that sound harsh, but sometimes that's what it takes.
Best of luck to you hunny...it can be hard.
Hey Zaira
Without sounding cockey, your father having issues with alcohol is not your fault, and it is important to remember that each individual has their own roads to take and journeys to make.
I think what you needc to work out is how best you cope in your own right, and you may consider a whole host of options, but whatever you decide he will still be your father.
Sometimes i think we so want the best for the people we love, that we often forget to let them be their own person, however maybe your mother kicking him out is the tonic he needs, and maybe she allowe it to go on for too long, but as i said we all get there when we will, and this is also true of your mother.
I just hope that it does have a positive ending.
Good luck
GA
Good luck on him stopping on his own, especially if he does not think he has a problem! It's tough having an alcoholic as a parent --- it's like not much of a parent. Counseling is a great idea for you.
One of the problems with having a parent who is an alcoholic is that somehow everything is blamed on them. It's like if they were not there, everything would be okay.
If you've lived with an alcoholic all these years, the whole family is damaged. Talking with others with the same problem could be really helpful.
well there's really nothing you can do he has to make the choice weather to get help
Who knows an alcoholic and know how to deal with it?
(please note, i am not, but i have other objectional failings, certain). just a bit curious because an inlaw - far away - has that problem.Who knows an alcoholic and know how to deal with it?
I know of 2 ( the third, mother of a close friend just died from it) there is nothing you can do really. One I know is post traumatic and been that way for years, sometimes he talks and I can see why he's traumatized- he was in some bad ****. You just have to know when to leave I suppose.Who knows an alcoholic and know how to deal with it?
Ever hear that song ';I don't wanna go to rehab, I say no, no, no.'; The best thing to do is to get them into a rehab and then on to AA. Sober 25 years here that way. Good luck.
Impossible to say, as the very definition is faulty... If someone you care about is in your mind 'alcholoholic' then you state it to them as gently as you can, and hope for a positive response in time - if you get a positive then you are doing well, if not then wait - simple, not easy.
Alcoholism is a disease....one cannot cure it.. the only thing that can be done is control it... but that's not your job, and you won't be able to help him... that's something that has to come from the person with the problem.
Well, I'll tell you. My dad is a drinker. When he drinks he says mean things. Never violent, just mean with his words. Usually I just leave. I have even told him that I won't be around when he drinks. I say that this family member you know needs to do one thing. Leave, because this person will not stop drinking unless they want too. My father told me flat out, no one is going to tell him when he can and can't drink or how much. He got a DUI I told him until he got his license back he couldn't pick up my kids, and if he drank he couldn't have them. Because I told him, there is no way he would like to be on the side of the freeway with my daughter in the backseat and him in handcuffs. He agreed, besides that I work in law enforcement as well as my sister. This person you know just needs to leave.
Let the person go. Unless you are willing to sit in with an intervention, leave that person alone. That is where the people closest to that person all describe their experiences and feelings toward that person's addiction. Not the person, the addiction.
Alcoholics Anonymous helps alcoholics, but no one goes there the first time very willingly. If you want some more understanding, go to an open AA meeting. Anyone can attend an open meeting. Be on time and listen to everything very carefully.
Alcoholics in recovery often talk about ';hitting bottom.'; A problem drinker MUST experience the consequences of his/her drinking before being willing to change. Most forms of ';help'; given by family members are manipulated by the drinker to continue the addiction. That is called ';enabling.'; It's not the fault of the family member - that's just how the alcoholic family system works. The only people who can really help your in-law are qualified professional or an alcoholic with lengthy sobriety who knows what he/she is doing.
If your in-law enters treatment, don't expect miracles, either. Most serious drinkers require between 3 and 5 rehab experiences before they make a real commitment.
Your curiosity shows you to be very humane and caring. Be willing to support your spouse in whatever the rest of the family decides. You may well touch people's lives in a very positive way.
Oh, i thought an alcoholic that can't be that bad, then i got involved with one and married him. They are the worse people on earth, only think of theirfselves and blame everyone else but theirselves and everyone else causes their problems. So i learned and i learned fast, stay away from an alcoholic, it'll be the worst experience you've every had and you cannot help them, as they don't need any help, believe me just ask them, your the one that needs helps they say.
I married a nice man who happened to have a drinking problem. For years I tried to make things work...until I was so stressed out I ended in the hospital.
I then had to make the decision: continue in an unhealthy and miserable marriage- or call it quits and concentrate on myself, on getting better and on taking care of my child.
I have been divorced for some years now, and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. He still drinks- and has no intention of getting help. (You cannot make anyone quit drinking- they have to accept they have a serious problem and want to look for help.)
I have been with an alcoholic for 12 years and it has absolutely ruined my life. He is a functioning alcoholic-works everyday buts spends most of his money on beer. He's been to rehab 3 times. He has verbally and emotionally abused me everyday of my life for 12 years. You can not change them and will waste valuable time trying. I am moving on but have been greatly affected by this and will be scarred forever. All I can really say is you can't ';deal'; with an alcoholic without it affecting you in a negative way. Just stay out of it and away from it.
I know of 2 ( the third, mother of a close friend just died from it) there is nothing you can do really. One I know is post traumatic and been that way for years, sometimes he talks and I can see why he's traumatized- he was in some bad ****. You just have to know when to leave I suppose.Who knows an alcoholic and know how to deal with it?
Ever hear that song ';I don't wanna go to rehab, I say no, no, no.'; The best thing to do is to get them into a rehab and then on to AA. Sober 25 years here that way. Good luck.
Impossible to say, as the very definition is faulty... If someone you care about is in your mind 'alcholoholic' then you state it to them as gently as you can, and hope for a positive response in time - if you get a positive then you are doing well, if not then wait - simple, not easy.
Alcoholism is a disease....one cannot cure it.. the only thing that can be done is control it... but that's not your job, and you won't be able to help him... that's something that has to come from the person with the problem.
Well, I'll tell you. My dad is a drinker. When he drinks he says mean things. Never violent, just mean with his words. Usually I just leave. I have even told him that I won't be around when he drinks. I say that this family member you know needs to do one thing. Leave, because this person will not stop drinking unless they want too. My father told me flat out, no one is going to tell him when he can and can't drink or how much. He got a DUI I told him until he got his license back he couldn't pick up my kids, and if he drank he couldn't have them. Because I told him, there is no way he would like to be on the side of the freeway with my daughter in the backseat and him in handcuffs. He agreed, besides that I work in law enforcement as well as my sister. This person you know just needs to leave.
Let the person go. Unless you are willing to sit in with an intervention, leave that person alone. That is where the people closest to that person all describe their experiences and feelings toward that person's addiction. Not the person, the addiction.
Alcoholics Anonymous helps alcoholics, but no one goes there the first time very willingly. If you want some more understanding, go to an open AA meeting. Anyone can attend an open meeting. Be on time and listen to everything very carefully.
Alcoholics in recovery often talk about ';hitting bottom.'; A problem drinker MUST experience the consequences of his/her drinking before being willing to change. Most forms of ';help'; given by family members are manipulated by the drinker to continue the addiction. That is called ';enabling.'; It's not the fault of the family member - that's just how the alcoholic family system works. The only people who can really help your in-law are qualified professional or an alcoholic with lengthy sobriety who knows what he/she is doing.
If your in-law enters treatment, don't expect miracles, either. Most serious drinkers require between 3 and 5 rehab experiences before they make a real commitment.
Your curiosity shows you to be very humane and caring. Be willing to support your spouse in whatever the rest of the family decides. You may well touch people's lives in a very positive way.
Oh, i thought an alcoholic that can't be that bad, then i got involved with one and married him. They are the worse people on earth, only think of theirfselves and blame everyone else but theirselves and everyone else causes their problems. So i learned and i learned fast, stay away from an alcoholic, it'll be the worst experience you've every had and you cannot help them, as they don't need any help, believe me just ask them, your the one that needs helps they say.
I married a nice man who happened to have a drinking problem. For years I tried to make things work...until I was so stressed out I ended in the hospital.
I then had to make the decision: continue in an unhealthy and miserable marriage- or call it quits and concentrate on myself, on getting better and on taking care of my child.
I have been divorced for some years now, and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner. He still drinks- and has no intention of getting help. (You cannot make anyone quit drinking- they have to accept they have a serious problem and want to look for help.)
I have been with an alcoholic for 12 years and it has absolutely ruined my life. He is a functioning alcoholic-works everyday buts spends most of his money on beer. He's been to rehab 3 times. He has verbally and emotionally abused me everyday of my life for 12 years. You can not change them and will waste valuable time trying. I am moving on but have been greatly affected by this and will be scarred forever. All I can really say is you can't ';deal'; with an alcoholic without it affecting you in a negative way. Just stay out of it and away from it.
What is the best way to deal with someone who is controlling, emotionally abusive, and an alcoholic?
I have broken up with him, he calls/texts, insults me, degrades, cusses, screams, slams the phone down, demands to see me, is always accusing me of cheating, says I'm abusive/crazy, etc...
He's an ex-convict and he's made it clear that if I went to the police, he'd retaliate. So, how do I get him to want to move on without him being so hateful?What is the best way to deal with someone who is controlling, emotionally abusive, and an alcoholic?
Cut all ties with him. Change your phone number, don`t answer, his texts. Don`t give him any chance to continue that behavior.
I still say go to the police and talk to them about what they can do for you. You should not have to put up with that. Good luck.What is the best way to deal with someone who is controlling, emotionally abusive, and an alcoholic?
leave them
change yur number
dont feed it you should stop all contact
talk to him peacefully
Go to the police. He can try and retaliate from prison.
Threats are mostly just that.He probably knows you won`t go to the cops because his threat is enough.Call him on it,you`ll be surprised at the results.
it's all the drugs. I don't think that there is much that you can do directly to him to convince him. You will have to ask and work with someone he loves, like his family; someone he looks up to when he is having a hard time. That will be the person that will convince him.
leave town..
Have you tried just letting an answering machine take his calls? It also might be a good idea to go to Al-Anon. They can help you with your self-esteem and also with the language to use to set him straight without setting him off. You mention wanting to know how to get him to move on. You don't have that kind of power. You take care of yourself first. Good luck with this. You deserve a better life.
He's an ex-convict and he's made it clear that if I went to the police, he'd retaliate. So, how do I get him to want to move on without him being so hateful?What is the best way to deal with someone who is controlling, emotionally abusive, and an alcoholic?
Cut all ties with him. Change your phone number, don`t answer, his texts. Don`t give him any chance to continue that behavior.
I still say go to the police and talk to them about what they can do for you. You should not have to put up with that. Good luck.What is the best way to deal with someone who is controlling, emotionally abusive, and an alcoholic?
leave them
change yur number
dont feed it you should stop all contact
talk to him peacefully
Go to the police. He can try and retaliate from prison.
Threats are mostly just that.He probably knows you won`t go to the cops because his threat is enough.Call him on it,you`ll be surprised at the results.
it's all the drugs. I don't think that there is much that you can do directly to him to convince him. You will have to ask and work with someone he loves, like his family; someone he looks up to when he is having a hard time. That will be the person that will convince him.
leave town..
Have you tried just letting an answering machine take his calls? It also might be a good idea to go to Al-Anon. They can help you with your self-esteem and also with the language to use to set him straight without setting him off. You mention wanting to know how to get him to move on. You don't have that kind of power. You take care of yourself first. Good luck with this. You deserve a better life.
How do i deal with someone i live with that's an alcoholic and is my best friend?
He drinks every night, sometimes before work in the morning (1-2 beers). I've seen him hide a can from me so that he thinks i don't notice the drinking but i obviously do. I also live with him, so it can definitely make things awkward. Any suggestions on what to do?How do i deal with someone i live with that's an alcoholic and is my best friend?
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. He must see drinking as a problem before he will even listen to you and hear your concern.
Try to find an alanon support group for yourself. They can help you to deal with the issues since the members are also dealing with the same problems.
Don't forget the power of prayer,
Good luck and God blessHow do i deal with someone i live with that's an alcoholic and is my best friend?
be honest with this person, come to them and say you need to talk to them, tell them that you are concerned for their health and wellbeing and that if the are having other issues in their life that they should feel free to talk about them to you without judgement, tell them that you love them and want to support them in getting help, the person might have already considered AA but found it daunting to join a group of people he doesnt even know, offer to go with your friend to a couple of meetings.
Have you thought about maybe getting help in doing an intervention? Try calling around to find a substance abuse counseling center in your area, and ask if they have a family counselor that can tell you how to go about it. Here's a link that might help as well:
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
(They do friends too:-)
You can also call your local AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) headquarters and see if they have any resources or anyone you can talk to about how to handle your friend's drinking.
That's all I can think of... I hope that helps!
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. He must see drinking as a problem before he will even listen to you and hear your concern.
Try to find an alanon support group for yourself. They can help you to deal with the issues since the members are also dealing with the same problems.
Don't forget the power of prayer,
Good luck and God blessHow do i deal with someone i live with that's an alcoholic and is my best friend?
be honest with this person, come to them and say you need to talk to them, tell them that you are concerned for their health and wellbeing and that if the are having other issues in their life that they should feel free to talk about them to you without judgement, tell them that you love them and want to support them in getting help, the person might have already considered AA but found it daunting to join a group of people he doesnt even know, offer to go with your friend to a couple of meetings.
Have you thought about maybe getting help in doing an intervention? Try calling around to find a substance abuse counseling center in your area, and ask if they have a family counselor that can tell you how to go about it. Here's a link that might help as well:
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
(They do friends too:-)
You can also call your local AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) headquarters and see if they have any resources or anyone you can talk to about how to handle your friend's drinking.
That's all I can think of... I hope that helps!
My dad is an alcoholic ..how do i deal with him?
hes retired 2 yrs back. hes addicted to alcohol doesnt have any hobby or intrests except food sleep and alcohol.hes responsible as far as duties and finances go .. but hes getting worse. my parents are increasingly having a dysfunctional relationship. he creates a scene .sometimes falls down...loves to make drama many times in front of known people on purpose. hes extremely careful not to do it in front of his friends or brother though.hes making life difficult for my mom. mom doesnt have much of a voice and only confronts him when its a boiling point. hes hit her for speaking against him before. hes always been this dominating ,self praising mcp . only good part about him is that hes practical and so far responsible.i cant stand him anymore. i just want my mom to be happy. i am not earning at present else i would have moved out of the house.
he asks my mother to leave the house evrytime she raises her voice. the pattern repeats ... what do i do. i dont even want to speak to him.My dad is an alcoholic ..how do i deal with him?
buy him an 18 packMy dad is an alcoholic ..how do i deal with him?
well your dad is similar to mine. You could try counseling for him. It didn't really work with my dad but I would give it a try
YOU need to confront your own father...tell him in a stern and assertive matter that his asshole behavior needs to end. Stick up for your mom, and back her up. You keeping silent is showing him that you don't care, like his behavior is acceptable when it's not.
be aggressive. raise your voice and get his attention
How old are you?
Alanon is good. Maybe you and your Mom can get out together? Being practical and responsible does not include being a drunk and hitting people. You are both better off without him!
tell your uncles and other family members. they may be able to talk to him. an intervention may also be good.
sorry but i go with alcoholic center..... this is no longer somthing that is in ure hands he needs profesional help...
I think this site will have more beneficial advice :
http://psychcentral.com/
look.... maybe i can't understand how you feel and how's the situation in your house, but from what you have described ,yours and your mother lives are not good,because of your farther. my suggestion is to talk to your father(at a time that he is not drunk,so that he can understand what you are saying)and say to him that you love him(as you do,even if you sometimes want to leave him)and that you are very sad because makes you and your mother feel awful with his behavior . you have to know also that your father is a human and have feelings, maybe some situation ,when he was younger, made him like that,you don't know what he have faced. approach him and talk to him. make him feel comfortable and hug him.i know that it's hard to take the advantage and talk with him and that he treated very bad but you have to try because maybe with that way will the things be better and because he is your father,don't forget that,and he is the one who ''helped'' your mother to you come to this world. although, if nothing becomes better ,you should ask some advice from an expert , which will be surely very good.
i hope that i helped you, even little.....
the thing that you should know and not be is selfish.
have patience and be strong!
He's just trying to be like Britney, he'll grow out of it
break his fingers one by one...slowly..
alanon
I think he needs some psychiatric treatment because the way he is behaving it seems that its not because of alcohol but some other reason.
try getting other family members involved - and you and your mom should try an alanon place because they can help you cope - your dad maybe depressed because he is not working anymore a lot of men feel worthless if not working try talking to him and see if he would either try a new hobby or a part-time job
So sorry you are going through such a horrible experience. You should go to some alanon meetings. The family members of other abusers that you will meet here will not only give you support, but actually enlighten you on steps you can take to stop this. These people have been there and done that, they are full of information you will be able to use. They will also be knowledgeable of different legal actions you may be able to take.
Again so sorry. Your dad will have to want to change. This may not happen unless something life changing occurs, such as your mother actually packing her things and leaving. This does work occasionally, especially in the beginning. It sounds like your dad may be depressed, nothing to do all day after retiring. Most people do not know that alcohol will make depression worsen. They just know it is a quick fix. In the long term, as you have witnessed, everything gets worse.
Call alanon today. The help is there. Do this before your mother is permanently injured from his physical abuse. (the abuse does get worse. She will be reluctant to tell you all the detail. You are her son, she doesn't want to worry you, or start a fight between you and your dad.) Best wishes to you and your family.
Tell someone about it right away especially since he's abusive maybe you and your mom should go live with some other family members i remember when my dad would drink he would get real agressive i was always afraid he was going to really break down and do something stupid call the cops if he hits your mom again and if they dont help take a video of it so you have evidenceprogramming Soiled Bed Sheets
he asks my mother to leave the house evrytime she raises her voice. the pattern repeats ... what do i do. i dont even want to speak to him.My dad is an alcoholic ..how do i deal with him?
buy him an 18 packMy dad is an alcoholic ..how do i deal with him?
well your dad is similar to mine. You could try counseling for him. It didn't really work with my dad but I would give it a try
YOU need to confront your own father...tell him in a stern and assertive matter that his asshole behavior needs to end. Stick up for your mom, and back her up. You keeping silent is showing him that you don't care, like his behavior is acceptable when it's not.
be aggressive. raise your voice and get his attention
How old are you?
Alanon is good. Maybe you and your Mom can get out together? Being practical and responsible does not include being a drunk and hitting people. You are both better off without him!
tell your uncles and other family members. they may be able to talk to him. an intervention may also be good.
sorry but i go with alcoholic center..... this is no longer somthing that is in ure hands he needs profesional help...
I think this site will have more beneficial advice :
http://psychcentral.com/
look.... maybe i can't understand how you feel and how's the situation in your house, but from what you have described ,yours and your mother lives are not good,because of your farther. my suggestion is to talk to your father(at a time that he is not drunk,so that he can understand what you are saying)and say to him that you love him(as you do,even if you sometimes want to leave him)and that you are very sad because makes you and your mother feel awful with his behavior . you have to know also that your father is a human and have feelings, maybe some situation ,when he was younger, made him like that,you don't know what he have faced. approach him and talk to him. make him feel comfortable and hug him.i know that it's hard to take the advantage and talk with him and that he treated very bad but you have to try because maybe with that way will the things be better and because he is your father,don't forget that,and he is the one who ''helped'' your mother to you come to this world. although, if nothing becomes better ,you should ask some advice from an expert , which will be surely very good.
i hope that i helped you, even little.....
the thing that you should know and not be is selfish.
have patience and be strong!
He's just trying to be like Britney, he'll grow out of it
break his fingers one by one...slowly..
alanon
I think he needs some psychiatric treatment because the way he is behaving it seems that its not because of alcohol but some other reason.
try getting other family members involved - and you and your mom should try an alanon place because they can help you cope - your dad maybe depressed because he is not working anymore a lot of men feel worthless if not working try talking to him and see if he would either try a new hobby or a part-time job
So sorry you are going through such a horrible experience. You should go to some alanon meetings. The family members of other abusers that you will meet here will not only give you support, but actually enlighten you on steps you can take to stop this. These people have been there and done that, they are full of information you will be able to use. They will also be knowledgeable of different legal actions you may be able to take.
Again so sorry. Your dad will have to want to change. This may not happen unless something life changing occurs, such as your mother actually packing her things and leaving. This does work occasionally, especially in the beginning. It sounds like your dad may be depressed, nothing to do all day after retiring. Most people do not know that alcohol will make depression worsen. They just know it is a quick fix. In the long term, as you have witnessed, everything gets worse.
Call alanon today. The help is there. Do this before your mother is permanently injured from his physical abuse. (the abuse does get worse. She will be reluctant to tell you all the detail. You are her son, she doesn't want to worry you, or start a fight between you and your dad.) Best wishes to you and your family.
Tell someone about it right away especially since he's abusive maybe you and your mom should go live with some other family members i remember when my dad would drink he would get real agressive i was always afraid he was going to really break down and do something stupid call the cops if he hits your mom again and if they dont help take a video of it so you have evidence
How do I get over these feelings of betrayal & being made a fool of?
Sorry this is so long but, please I need your help.Back 7 yrs. ago I fell in love with a guy who I realized was an alcoholic but, somehow I convinced myself that I could make life better for him because I knew down deep he was a great guy. He was just out of a 14 yr. marriage which was over with many yrs. before. We were together for 4 yrs. before things started to fall apart mainly because of his drinking but, I never stopped loving him. After a huge fight he walked out one night %26amp; did not return for 8 mths. During that time he got involved with a married woman but, that lasted only 4 mths. at which time he did everything he could to convince me to take him back telling me what a mistake he had made, that he never stopped loving me %26amp; regretted hurting me. With many promises for a wonderful future together %26amp; telling me I could totally trust him because he had almost lost the best thing (me) that ever happened to him.It took a lot for me to fully trust him again even though I loved him with all my heart. For the next 3 yrs. up till now he continued to show me he loved me by constantly showering me with gifts, buying flowers, cards, love notes around the house, being very affectionate %26amp; loving, etc. The only thing that never changed was his drinking which on an occasion we fought about when it got out of hand. The last couple of mths. he started to become extremely overwhelmed with family, his job %26amp; taking care of the many acres of property he had just purchased. I helped as much as possible %26amp; began to furnish %26amp; set up our new home. I could tell he was very stressed %26amp; inturn his drinking started to pick up which once again caused us to fight a lot but, not to the point where I thought our relationship was in jeopardy. Then 1 mth. ago, after a heated argument he decided he needed a break. I of course, was devastated %26amp; out of panic cried %26amp; begged him to not end it. I reminded him of his promises to me but, to no avail. The next day I moved back to my apt. He cried with me on that day, told me he still loved me %26amp; was not saying it was over-he just needed time. He still continued to call me every night %26amp; telling me he loved me. After 2 wks. passed %26amp; giving him his space, hoping that time away from me would make him miss me, he hooks up with a girl he meets at a festival. Now this girl is with him 24/7 %26amp; staying at his home which I helped set up. He tells her he loves her %26amp; wants to marry her. This of course, caused a nasty parting of ways with us %26amp; now he has severed all ties with me. How can things go so wrong in such a short period of time? I feel so used %26amp; betrayed after believing everything he had promised me %26amp; it makes me sick to think that this girl is in his home living the life I was suppose to live. i feel like I was never given the chance to fight for our relationship- just like that, it's over! Now, I'm unable to think about anything else %26amp; all I do is think about those two together. When I'm at work I just go through the motions but, I'm disconnected. I have an extreme need to know why he did this to me %26amp; I can't wrap myself around the fact that he can stop loving me just like that %26amp; profess his love to her. Why would a person go to such great lengths to convince someone of their love %26amp; devotion %26amp; then rip their heart out? I feel like such a fool for believing in him %26amp; my self-esteem is at an all time low! All I do now, is pray to God that there relationship will burn in hell but, that doesn't take the pain away! Please, what can I do to deal with all these feelings %26amp; emotions- I'm not ready to go out %26amp; deal with people right now- I just want to stop hurting %26amp; crying!How do I get over these feelings of betrayal %26amp; being made a fool of?
You have already given him years of your life, why are you still giving him more time. Haven't you already wasted Precious time? Give him one more day, by crying, wipe your tears and don't give him any more power over you or your life. Next time remember, you can't change anyone but yourself and, if a person show you who they are believe them. You knew he was an alcoholic, but you thought you could change him. He left because, he wants someone who will accept him for who he is, AN ALCOHOLIC, and that is not who you want. but, it might be ok with the new girl, because she might be one too. Unless, she is another women who think she can change a guy.How do I get over these feelings of betrayal %26amp; being made a fool of?
He's your garden variety alcoholic - the hooking up is like the last straw of how pathetic they sink.
Have you looked into Al-Anon? That's for the family members of the alcoholics. You'll sit in meetings and hear story after story like yours. Here's a link to the organization:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Now, if you have more than one Al-Anon group in your community (or close to your community) try different ones until you find one that you feel you fit in the most.
Good luck - you can do it. Get some support from Al-Anon - that's what they are there for!
Unfortunately you feel in love with someone who does not share the values of a wonderful relationship that you want in life.This guy is weak and has no respect for himself or you.He will treat the next girl the same as you.The trick for him is winning them back and the trick for you is to not waste another day in misery.Your Mr.right is looking for a good person like you,so feeling sorry for yourself is stopping you from enjoying life for what it is.Just keep telling yourself that he is a jerk and the other person that he is with will feel the same as you ,when he does the same to her.Walk with pride not pity !
The answer is because of the alcohol. I have been with 2 alcoholics. he never loved you and he doesn't love her. All his feelings and relationships are fake and if he ever gets sober one day he will know it. Don't hate her pity her, because she is no doubt like you and he will do the same to her. Get some counseling and try a few alanon classes. Your better dealing with this now then later. You could have married him and had kids. You probably don't even know who he really is (even though I'm sure you believe you do) he doesn't even know him. All you know is him the alcoholic. Everything he does is a lie fueled by booze. When day (hopefully) he will get sober and realize he lost most of his life. Get counseling, break all ties with him forever, and stay out of relationships until you have much better self esteem. Alcoholics leave a very destructive painful path. He will hurt everyone who loves him until he gets sober. You are better then the mess you were in. You can't have a real relationship with a drunk. You both were living in a fantasy land. I'm sorry to be blunt, and sorry you have to go through this. Be strong and never take him back ever. It will only get worse, he will do it again and more. Learn to love you and know you are worth great things and someday a man will come along who loves you for real and treats you right.
I wrote an answer but Yahoo glitched and it didn't post. I have read the other posts and the other answers are good, I agree.
In addition to help yourself get over the hurt and loneliness, join something that is a regular thing you can look forward to...a club, a sport, a craft club, go to church, or do something else you enjoy. Even when you don't feel like it, make yourself go. And the best way to get your focus off yourself and help overcome the pity parties is to volunteer where you are helping other people or animals. Watch comedy movies and not sad and/or romatic movies for a while. Get a pet if you can. They are there when you get home. They love and don't judge you and taking care of the pet will be another way to squash loneliness. They help you put some of your focus on them rather than your situation some too.
Don't jump into a rebound relationship until you heal and deal with the baggage from this situation because it will only add to your problems. Give yourself some time to deal with it and heal.
I was in a similar situation at one time. It's hard to imagine now how it will get better, but believe me, it will!
Grieving is part of healing. give yourself permission to grieve. you have lost something you invested alot of emotions and passion into and had dreams and plans for the future. It is normal to feel the pain of that loss. And until you grieve it, it will not find closure. Now, when your heart tells you taht you are obsessing over it then is a red flag that you need to get therapy. This is because you have become stagnant and unable to pass through it without guidance and support. There is no shame in getting therapy. It doenst mean you are mentally ill. It only means taht you need objective professional skills to heal. The future seems hopeless to you right now. But it isnt. You will heal in time and have a good life because you will learn from this.You wont get involved with the dysfunction of alchoholism and you will not become an enabler again. You will love and be loved. You are a good person with alot to offer a man. There is life after a breakup, dont give up. The people who told you to go to alanon are giving you great advice too. ITs hard to understand addcitions and enabling if you haventhad them. Please go to a good therapist and go to alanon. Allow me to share a quote with you by Ernie Lawson: ';The reason we wont let go of what we have is that we dont believe something better is in front of us. So we hang on desperatesly to waht was. Until you let go you dont get the beautiful stuff that can be. In living that truth where things can get better they do get better.';
You have already given him years of your life, why are you still giving him more time. Haven't you already wasted Precious time? Give him one more day, by crying, wipe your tears and don't give him any more power over you or your life. Next time remember, you can't change anyone but yourself and, if a person show you who they are believe them. You knew he was an alcoholic, but you thought you could change him. He left because, he wants someone who will accept him for who he is, AN ALCOHOLIC, and that is not who you want. but, it might be ok with the new girl, because she might be one too. Unless, she is another women who think she can change a guy.How do I get over these feelings of betrayal %26amp; being made a fool of?
He's your garden variety alcoholic - the hooking up is like the last straw of how pathetic they sink.
Have you looked into Al-Anon? That's for the family members of the alcoholics. You'll sit in meetings and hear story after story like yours. Here's a link to the organization:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Now, if you have more than one Al-Anon group in your community (or close to your community) try different ones until you find one that you feel you fit in the most.
Good luck - you can do it. Get some support from Al-Anon - that's what they are there for!
Unfortunately you feel in love with someone who does not share the values of a wonderful relationship that you want in life.This guy is weak and has no respect for himself or you.He will treat the next girl the same as you.The trick for him is winning them back and the trick for you is to not waste another day in misery.Your Mr.right is looking for a good person like you,so feeling sorry for yourself is stopping you from enjoying life for what it is.Just keep telling yourself that he is a jerk and the other person that he is with will feel the same as you ,when he does the same to her.Walk with pride not pity !
The answer is because of the alcohol. I have been with 2 alcoholics. he never loved you and he doesn't love her. All his feelings and relationships are fake and if he ever gets sober one day he will know it. Don't hate her pity her, because she is no doubt like you and he will do the same to her. Get some counseling and try a few alanon classes. Your better dealing with this now then later. You could have married him and had kids. You probably don't even know who he really is (even though I'm sure you believe you do) he doesn't even know him. All you know is him the alcoholic. Everything he does is a lie fueled by booze. When day (hopefully) he will get sober and realize he lost most of his life. Get counseling, break all ties with him forever, and stay out of relationships until you have much better self esteem. Alcoholics leave a very destructive painful path. He will hurt everyone who loves him until he gets sober. You are better then the mess you were in. You can't have a real relationship with a drunk. You both were living in a fantasy land. I'm sorry to be blunt, and sorry you have to go through this. Be strong and never take him back ever. It will only get worse, he will do it again and more. Learn to love you and know you are worth great things and someday a man will come along who loves you for real and treats you right.
I wrote an answer but Yahoo glitched and it didn't post. I have read the other posts and the other answers are good, I agree.
In addition to help yourself get over the hurt and loneliness, join something that is a regular thing you can look forward to...a club, a sport, a craft club, go to church, or do something else you enjoy. Even when you don't feel like it, make yourself go. And the best way to get your focus off yourself and help overcome the pity parties is to volunteer where you are helping other people or animals. Watch comedy movies and not sad and/or romatic movies for a while. Get a pet if you can. They are there when you get home. They love and don't judge you and taking care of the pet will be another way to squash loneliness. They help you put some of your focus on them rather than your situation some too.
Don't jump into a rebound relationship until you heal and deal with the baggage from this situation because it will only add to your problems. Give yourself some time to deal with it and heal.
I was in a similar situation at one time. It's hard to imagine now how it will get better, but believe me, it will!
Grieving is part of healing. give yourself permission to grieve. you have lost something you invested alot of emotions and passion into and had dreams and plans for the future. It is normal to feel the pain of that loss. And until you grieve it, it will not find closure. Now, when your heart tells you taht you are obsessing over it then is a red flag that you need to get therapy. This is because you have become stagnant and unable to pass through it without guidance and support. There is no shame in getting therapy. It doenst mean you are mentally ill. It only means taht you need objective professional skills to heal. The future seems hopeless to you right now. But it isnt. You will heal in time and have a good life because you will learn from this.You wont get involved with the dysfunction of alchoholism and you will not become an enabler again. You will love and be loved. You are a good person with alot to offer a man. There is life after a breakup, dont give up. The people who told you to go to alanon are giving you great advice too. ITs hard to understand addcitions and enabling if you haventhad them. Please go to a good therapist and go to alanon. Allow me to share a quote with you by Ernie Lawson: ';The reason we wont let go of what we have is that we dont believe something better is in front of us. So we hang on desperatesly to waht was. Until you let go you dont get the beautiful stuff that can be. In living that truth where things can get better they do get better.';
How do you deal with Alcoholics at Christmas?
My in denial dad a heavy drinker for over 40 years now has been invited to my new fiance's parents house for Christmas dinner. He already feels ';put upon'; that he has to leave the house i.e not drink for a few hours but having to behave himself at their house might be a bit much. I really do want him there as he has total liver failure so will be his last Christmas but at the same time I want him to be pleasant and actually, grateful. I haven't told him yet that I have said yes please to the lovely offer - how do I go about this? Any kind advice would be gratefully received.How do you deal with Alcoholics at Christmas?
Let him know that there are no lofty expectations on him. Many drinkers turn to the bottle when confronted with a stressful situation. (Family Christmas dinners with in-laws to be falls in to this category!) Also, give him an out. Let him know that if he comes, he is free to leave if he feels uncomfortable.How do you deal with Alcoholics at Christmas?
Well......I would have a talk with your in-laws and ask them not to have any drinks, unless they are hidden in the house. Get a couple of the small bottles of whatever from the store, and give him one every 30 min - 1 hour just to keep him calm.
Maybe that will help......good luck, sorry for your troubles!
Merry Christmas
I have the same kind of dad. But seriously, if his last Christmas, let the man enjoy himself, even if that means you dont! Everyone has at least one heavy drinker in the family.
And well, if you cant beat them, join them. Get wasted with your pop! Cheers!
Edit: I know how it feels to be '';put out'; by socialising'. Maybe jsut let him stay home if after a lot fo convincing doesnt work, but make sure you do something with him the next day, just the two of you ;)
My dad's the same way, except he hasn't reached the point of liver failure, thank God. But unlike yours, mine is a ';peaceful drunk';. He usually gets extra friendly (and a little obnoxious), but he usually doesn't start trouble. As for your situation, I'd sit him down, WHILE SOBER, and explain to him the importance of that dinner and even more importantly, that union and beg him to be on his best behavior at least THIS TIME. You have to give him a chance, he is your father. If he STILL winds up acting up, apologize for him and tell him he's out of your life until he gets help, otherwise, you're an enabler. He probably still won't, and your not really going to be out of his life, but maybe it will guilt him into at least TRYING harder.
It is sad that your father has complete liver failure and still drinks. It is also sad that you don't realize that you are an enabler. You obviously can't control your father's drinking. Now you want suggestions on how to enlist your inlaws -to- be in being enablers too?
Your family has been invited to Christmas dinner. You should go without imposing any restrictions on your father's drinking or on his attitude. How do you propose to make someone be plesant and grateful? If your father is that much of an embarrassment to you, leave him at home. It is likely your tension about his presence will be more disruptive to the occasion than his behavior. Everyone can spot a person who drinks excessively. Those who pass judgment onto anyone other than the excessive drinker about it are just ignorant about alcoholism. Hide your father and go to the dinner. Or accept him for who he is, introduce him as your father and let him be responsible for his behavior and people's opinions about it. If you love him you'll let his last days be lived out in peace being himself.
Just tell Him how important is his presence and BEHAVIOUR IS to you.Tell him you love him and want him to be sober that day but then you will also UNDERSTAND if he cannot control it because he CANNOT CONTROL it inspite of his love for you.
Just keep the inlaws informed about his condition also
Your father loves you, understands the situation BUT STILL HE CANNOT CONTROL THIS ADDICTION
REMEMBER IT IS NOT EASY FOR HIM.
Once he knows you will understand, then may be he can control.
i just wanted to let you know that i know how you feel.... My dad passed away June 2007 from complete liver failure. He was only 47 years old!! My thoughts are with you and your family xxxx
first of all sorry you have to deal with that. and second i cant stand alcoholics or drunks .a drunk person killed my best friend in a car accident. drunk people dont give a **** about anything but them selves
Let him know that there are no lofty expectations on him. Many drinkers turn to the bottle when confronted with a stressful situation. (Family Christmas dinners with in-laws to be falls in to this category!) Also, give him an out. Let him know that if he comes, he is free to leave if he feels uncomfortable.How do you deal with Alcoholics at Christmas?
Well......I would have a talk with your in-laws and ask them not to have any drinks, unless they are hidden in the house. Get a couple of the small bottles of whatever from the store, and give him one every 30 min - 1 hour just to keep him calm.
Maybe that will help......good luck, sorry for your troubles!
Merry Christmas
I have the same kind of dad. But seriously, if his last Christmas, let the man enjoy himself, even if that means you dont! Everyone has at least one heavy drinker in the family.
And well, if you cant beat them, join them. Get wasted with your pop! Cheers!
Edit: I know how it feels to be '';put out'; by socialising'. Maybe jsut let him stay home if after a lot fo convincing doesnt work, but make sure you do something with him the next day, just the two of you ;)
My dad's the same way, except he hasn't reached the point of liver failure, thank God. But unlike yours, mine is a ';peaceful drunk';. He usually gets extra friendly (and a little obnoxious), but he usually doesn't start trouble. As for your situation, I'd sit him down, WHILE SOBER, and explain to him the importance of that dinner and even more importantly, that union and beg him to be on his best behavior at least THIS TIME. You have to give him a chance, he is your father. If he STILL winds up acting up, apologize for him and tell him he's out of your life until he gets help, otherwise, you're an enabler. He probably still won't, and your not really going to be out of his life, but maybe it will guilt him into at least TRYING harder.
It is sad that your father has complete liver failure and still drinks. It is also sad that you don't realize that you are an enabler. You obviously can't control your father's drinking. Now you want suggestions on how to enlist your inlaws -to- be in being enablers too?
Your family has been invited to Christmas dinner. You should go without imposing any restrictions on your father's drinking or on his attitude. How do you propose to make someone be plesant and grateful? If your father is that much of an embarrassment to you, leave him at home. It is likely your tension about his presence will be more disruptive to the occasion than his behavior. Everyone can spot a person who drinks excessively. Those who pass judgment onto anyone other than the excessive drinker about it are just ignorant about alcoholism. Hide your father and go to the dinner. Or accept him for who he is, introduce him as your father and let him be responsible for his behavior and people's opinions about it. If you love him you'll let his last days be lived out in peace being himself.
Just tell Him how important is his presence and BEHAVIOUR IS to you.Tell him you love him and want him to be sober that day but then you will also UNDERSTAND if he cannot control it because he CANNOT CONTROL it inspite of his love for you.
Just keep the inlaws informed about his condition also
Your father loves you, understands the situation BUT STILL HE CANNOT CONTROL THIS ADDICTION
REMEMBER IT IS NOT EASY FOR HIM.
Once he knows you will understand, then may be he can control.
i just wanted to let you know that i know how you feel.... My dad passed away June 2007 from complete liver failure. He was only 47 years old!! My thoughts are with you and your family xxxx
first of all sorry you have to deal with that. and second i cant stand alcoholics or drunks .a drunk person killed my best friend in a car accident. drunk people dont give a **** about anything but them selves
How do I deal with my sons alcoholic drug addict mother?
My ex-girlfriend drank and drugged during the entire 9 months she was pregnant with my son. I got so mad that she wouldn't stop that I hit her when she was 7 months. i went to jail and now she has my son. i still hate her for poisoning my son. I had no prior history of violence in anyway so this was a shock to everyone. It was a bigger shock that I got involved with her in the first place but I cant go back and change it. She is the addict, and I am the straight one that can't be with my son until next year. Any advice anyone??How do I deal with my sons alcoholic drug addict mother?
I know a guy just like you and well he is trying to get custody of his son. Yes it's expensive but what kind of life is she going to give this child when she didn't care that she was poisoning him like that. Ireally recommend you try to take custody of your baby what kind of life is she going to give this child?? I believe it's child abuse big time!!How do I deal with my sons alcoholic drug addict mother?
Weel When I first read this I thought kill the b**** for what she did! But realistically.... Get a good lawyer and fight it. You know what you did was wrong and I am sure you felt bad for hitting a woman, even if she was a low life addict. This is a bad situation. Now I see an example of nice guys finish last. You will not have the first year(s) to bond with your son. That isn't fair. Good luck!
Hey sending you well-wishes in your tough situation. While I don't have personal experience I would suggest you find a superb lawyer and get a spiral notebook to write down every little incident, time and date those incidents, etc. When you take action, always take the high road and make sure the legal paper trails and/or letters reflect that you are committed to taking the high road in this sticky situation, i.e., you want what's best for your child, independent from what happens to you as an individual.
You hit a woman who was pregnant, let alone pregnant with YOUR child? And you are complaining about HER behavior. Clearly there is more to this story, and you are giving the sanitzed version. You are trying to make it look like it's all her fault. Please be real, get therapy, and keep in mind that YOUR SON is the one who matters here. How could you not know that when you hit her? You let him down before he was even born. I really don't know what to say. That poor child, that you two are who he got stuck with as parents.
Note to cesarsbabygirl: I DID grow up with an alcoholic parent, AND had an abusive husband. I also work in a public high school where the results of horror stories like this come to me everyday for guidance and sometimes just for hugs. Don't tell me to shut up. I have every right to speak here, as do you. Had this man not taken the violent route -- and I don't believe for a second that this was the only time he was abusive in some way -- he should have protected that unborn baby as best he could and gotten custody at birth to raise him safely. What good is he to the child in prison, having hit her? The baby was inside her at the time. He was willing to risk injury to his own unborn child!
there is a place called alonon it is for the family and friends of alcoholics and naranon for addicts it really helps i am a recovering addict so i am familiar with it you can also look into anger management and theropy just some options hope it helps god bless you and your family
I have a hard time believing that she is so drugged out and not under serious surveilence and probation for her addiction.
If you had no prior history of violence in ANY way, then you would not have hit her. Perhaps you just simply weren't arrested for it. Typically, men who hit women are very controlling and verbally abusive as well.
My advice to you is to take anger management classes, get couseling, learn to be a better person, then learn how to be a better father by taking parenting classes. Doing this out of your own accord, and not court order, will show the Judge at your visitation hearing that you are serious about being a good person and a good father.
I believe that fathers are IMMENSELY important to the development of a child. Unless they are abusive, controlling and violent, then they are completely worthless.
I am so sorry you are in this situation...I truly feel for you. My mother was an alcoholic/drug addict(still is) and my grandma took my sister and I into her home as my father had passed away when I was 9. Please do everything in your power to get your son away from her, don't give up. I don't know what I would have done if my grandma wasn't there for me. I really have no legal experience and I don't have any advise that will help you and I am so sorry for that, I wish I did. However I will be praying for you and I hope tremendously that you get your son away from her and give him a better life.
And to all the people who are angry at HIM for hitting her, unless you have lived a life with a loved one who is an alcoholic/drug addict DON'T SPEAK! You have no idea what he had to go through...believe me, it can make you crazy and it can make you lose yourself!!! YOU DON'T KNOW! SO SHUT UP!
Hitting someone because they have a drug problem
will not solve anything. This will only add to the problem.
If your ex-girlfriend continue to use drugs she will event-
ually loose her son. Getting her into treatment, will help
you with your anger.
I am an alcoholic or as they say recovering alcoholic. The person still has feelings my own drinking stemmed from being gang raped and could not sleep without it to keep the nightmares away.Alcoholics remember are not bad people but if your son is not being taken care of please go through channels to correct this.This is a disease she cannot help it.Alcoholism and addiction does not make a person bad person.They still have feelings.I had been hit by my husband back when I was drinking and it only took me back to the rape.You can never know what is going on in the mind.lthough my husband did.I never lost my kids do to it luckly though.I was a functional alcoholic just needed sleep without nightmares still no excuse.Just remember she has feelings you may not even know about.Although I stopped while pregnant I stayed in corners for 9 months crying.You may not know what she is feeling to cover up.But please protect your son just don't forget her feelings.
You should have not hit her !!! Violence doesn't solve problems !!! You should talk to your son about how drugs are bad he will understand he will hopefully quit !!!
WOW! A mother like that doesn't deserve to have her child. The best advice I can give you is to get a good lawyer. One that speicalizes in cases as such. If you can prove no previous violance and that she was using and or still is, a good judge should be able to over turn the rule that you can't see your son. Contact human services after talking to your lawyer and let them know of her behavior. They would have to look into her quickly and they are sneaky about do it.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you and a your son.
Get some help with your anger and go to al-anon.
Get a lawyer and give that baby a chance at a good life,you were wrong and you admit it,thats a start,now forgive yourself and start protecting you baby.Do what you have to do the legal way,call CPS on her,talk to a lawyer, like I said.Good luck to you.
Get a attorney
I know a guy just like you and well he is trying to get custody of his son. Yes it's expensive but what kind of life is she going to give this child when she didn't care that she was poisoning him like that. Ireally recommend you try to take custody of your baby what kind of life is she going to give this child?? I believe it's child abuse big time!!How do I deal with my sons alcoholic drug addict mother?
Weel When I first read this I thought kill the b**** for what she did! But realistically.... Get a good lawyer and fight it. You know what you did was wrong and I am sure you felt bad for hitting a woman, even if she was a low life addict. This is a bad situation. Now I see an example of nice guys finish last. You will not have the first year(s) to bond with your son. That isn't fair. Good luck!
Hey sending you well-wishes in your tough situation. While I don't have personal experience I would suggest you find a superb lawyer and get a spiral notebook to write down every little incident, time and date those incidents, etc. When you take action, always take the high road and make sure the legal paper trails and/or letters reflect that you are committed to taking the high road in this sticky situation, i.e., you want what's best for your child, independent from what happens to you as an individual.
You hit a woman who was pregnant, let alone pregnant with YOUR child? And you are complaining about HER behavior. Clearly there is more to this story, and you are giving the sanitzed version. You are trying to make it look like it's all her fault. Please be real, get therapy, and keep in mind that YOUR SON is the one who matters here. How could you not know that when you hit her? You let him down before he was even born. I really don't know what to say. That poor child, that you two are who he got stuck with as parents.
Note to cesarsbabygirl: I DID grow up with an alcoholic parent, AND had an abusive husband. I also work in a public high school where the results of horror stories like this come to me everyday for guidance and sometimes just for hugs. Don't tell me to shut up. I have every right to speak here, as do you. Had this man not taken the violent route -- and I don't believe for a second that this was the only time he was abusive in some way -- he should have protected that unborn baby as best he could and gotten custody at birth to raise him safely. What good is he to the child in prison, having hit her? The baby was inside her at the time. He was willing to risk injury to his own unborn child!
there is a place called alonon it is for the family and friends of alcoholics and naranon for addicts it really helps i am a recovering addict so i am familiar with it you can also look into anger management and theropy just some options hope it helps god bless you and your family
I have a hard time believing that she is so drugged out and not under serious surveilence and probation for her addiction.
If you had no prior history of violence in ANY way, then you would not have hit her. Perhaps you just simply weren't arrested for it. Typically, men who hit women are very controlling and verbally abusive as well.
My advice to you is to take anger management classes, get couseling, learn to be a better person, then learn how to be a better father by taking parenting classes. Doing this out of your own accord, and not court order, will show the Judge at your visitation hearing that you are serious about being a good person and a good father.
I believe that fathers are IMMENSELY important to the development of a child. Unless they are abusive, controlling and violent, then they are completely worthless.
I am so sorry you are in this situation...I truly feel for you. My mother was an alcoholic/drug addict(still is) and my grandma took my sister and I into her home as my father had passed away when I was 9. Please do everything in your power to get your son away from her, don't give up. I don't know what I would have done if my grandma wasn't there for me. I really have no legal experience and I don't have any advise that will help you and I am so sorry for that, I wish I did. However I will be praying for you and I hope tremendously that you get your son away from her and give him a better life.
And to all the people who are angry at HIM for hitting her, unless you have lived a life with a loved one who is an alcoholic/drug addict DON'T SPEAK! You have no idea what he had to go through...believe me, it can make you crazy and it can make you lose yourself!!! YOU DON'T KNOW! SO SHUT UP!
Hitting someone because they have a drug problem
will not solve anything. This will only add to the problem.
If your ex-girlfriend continue to use drugs she will event-
ually loose her son. Getting her into treatment, will help
you with your anger.
I am an alcoholic or as they say recovering alcoholic. The person still has feelings my own drinking stemmed from being gang raped and could not sleep without it to keep the nightmares away.Alcoholics remember are not bad people but if your son is not being taken care of please go through channels to correct this.This is a disease she cannot help it.Alcoholism and addiction does not make a person bad person.They still have feelings.I had been hit by my husband back when I was drinking and it only took me back to the rape.You can never know what is going on in the mind.lthough my husband did.I never lost my kids do to it luckly though.I was a functional alcoholic just needed sleep without nightmares still no excuse.Just remember she has feelings you may not even know about.Although I stopped while pregnant I stayed in corners for 9 months crying.You may not know what she is feeling to cover up.But please protect your son just don't forget her feelings.
You should have not hit her !!! Violence doesn't solve problems !!! You should talk to your son about how drugs are bad he will understand he will hopefully quit !!!
WOW! A mother like that doesn't deserve to have her child. The best advice I can give you is to get a good lawyer. One that speicalizes in cases as such. If you can prove no previous violance and that she was using and or still is, a good judge should be able to over turn the rule that you can't see your son. Contact human services after talking to your lawyer and let them know of her behavior. They would have to look into her quickly and they are sneaky about do it.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you and a your son.
Get some help with your anger and go to al-anon.
Get a lawyer and give that baby a chance at a good life,you were wrong and you admit it,thats a start,now forgive yourself and start protecting you baby.Do what you have to do the legal way,call CPS on her,talk to a lawyer, like I said.Good luck to you.
Get a attorney
Mom has been an alcohlic for almost 20 years...anyone else in the same boat?
I am really just looking for a pen pal of someone who has dealt with an alcoholic parent for most of their life. My mom has been an alcoholic since I was 14. She refuses to get help and is making my life, and my dad's, and brother and sister's lives miserable. Just looking for someone to talk to who has the same kind of situation and how they deal.Mom has been an alcohlic for almost 20 years...anyone else in the same boat?
No but my son has dealt with sex addiction for 30 years.Mom has been an alcohlic for almost 20 years...anyone else in the same boat?
My parents don't drink, but my ex-husband was an alcoholic. The best place to get emotional support in my experience is Alanon or Alateen. There are meetings throughout the world. If you don't like the first group you go to, chances are there is another one in your area that you will like.
Remember, take what you like from the meetings, and leave the rest.
No but my son has dealt with sex addiction for 30 years.Mom has been an alcohlic for almost 20 years...anyone else in the same boat?
My parents don't drink, but my ex-husband was an alcoholic. The best place to get emotional support in my experience is Alanon or Alateen. There are meetings throughout the world. If you don't like the first group you go to, chances are there is another one in your area that you will like.
Remember, take what you like from the meetings, and leave the rest.
How do you deal with an end-stage alcoholic who's neglecting kids?
How do you deal with a relative who is an end-stage alcoholic and you're concerned about her kids(because the older ones call me and other relatives frequently needing to be ';rescued'; when she's too wasted to notice whether they're there while binging for days at a time or acting belligerent, regularly drives drunk with them in the car or has the 14 year old drive, is incapable of maintaining any kind of employment, house stinks of cat urine and dirty baby diapers, baby seems to have unusually excessive diaper rashes, etc.? I thought about contacting CPS but they go there all the time anyway and never do anything, so I figure there's no point. Also the older one has a bunch of issues issues and resents the drinking but also loves his mom and likes that he can get away with murder, so I suspect he would be uncooperative.How do you deal with an end-stage alcoholic who's neglecting kids?
Oh God - get helpHow do you deal with an end-stage alcoholic who's neglecting kids?
have an intervention. go to an AA meeting and find some resources on dealing with this.
continue to contact cps. find a social worker to help you.
find a way to convince her to do the right thing i.e. sobering up, become better involved with the kids, know when to hand them over to a more responsible adult, etc.
talk to a lawyer about becoming the legal guardian of the children. that way you have the rights to them, and they still ';have their mom.';
good luck, you're gonna need it.
You mentioned that the older one calls to get rescued yet wouldn't be co-operative because he gets away with murder? I think you should talk with him and ask him what he wants and remind him he can't have it both ways. Ask him if the ';price'; of needing to be rescued from time to time is worth it for all the leniency. If yes, then he should stop bugging you. If no, then he should agree to some serious intervention. If he agrees he needs intervention, then that will make it a lot easier to get done through CPS or a lawyer.
I would call CPS again and tell them that if they do not do anything then you will go to the media about how they are not doing their job. Usually that will get them of their butts and do something. Is you are any of the relatives are willing to take on any of the kids I would let them know that also. It might make them more willing to do something if they know they will not have to try to find a foster home for them. Also tell them you are going to call everyday if need be til they do something. Call the supervisor not a case worker.
Oh God - get helpHow do you deal with an end-stage alcoholic who's neglecting kids?
have an intervention. go to an AA meeting and find some resources on dealing with this.
continue to contact cps. find a social worker to help you.
find a way to convince her to do the right thing i.e. sobering up, become better involved with the kids, know when to hand them over to a more responsible adult, etc.
talk to a lawyer about becoming the legal guardian of the children. that way you have the rights to them, and they still ';have their mom.';
good luck, you're gonna need it.
You mentioned that the older one calls to get rescued yet wouldn't be co-operative because he gets away with murder? I think you should talk with him and ask him what he wants and remind him he can't have it both ways. Ask him if the ';price'; of needing to be rescued from time to time is worth it for all the leniency. If yes, then he should stop bugging you. If no, then he should agree to some serious intervention. If he agrees he needs intervention, then that will make it a lot easier to get done through CPS or a lawyer.
I would call CPS again and tell them that if they do not do anything then you will go to the media about how they are not doing their job. Usually that will get them of their butts and do something. Is you are any of the relatives are willing to take on any of the kids I would let them know that also. It might make them more willing to do something if they know they will not have to try to find a foster home for them. Also tell them you are going to call everyday if need be til they do something. Call the supervisor not a case worker.
How can I deal with my alcoholic father?
I am 23, I live with my family... my father has a drinking problem. Every time he gets drunk he picks fights -- neighbors, random strangers... I feel ashamed. Sometimes, he gets angry at us for no reason at all.
He has a lot of enemies... when he gets drunk.. his words are just horrible and violent.. his words hurt other people.
Every time, I confront his behavior.. he'll just deny that something's wrong with him. He'll just blame others, sometimes.. he would blame my mom.. or me. I love him, because he's my father. But I am starting to get tired of his behavior...
If he comes home drunk tonight...
I don't know what to do.How can I deal with my alcoholic father?
I sympathise as I grew up with an alcoholic father and he ruined my childhood and messed up my head. I have tried all I could to help him like contact different agencies who deal with this kind of thing but they all say that until he recognises he has a problem then they cannot help.
I have had to put up with him being arrested for drunk and disorderly, shoplifting while out of his face and all sorts of other abusive behaviour. I have been the laughing stock because of him especially when his name goes in the paper. I cut ties when he started to come to my home where I live with my son and start again. I have tried and failed with him, he doesn't want help and I am ****** if he is going to ruin my life anymore.
I can tell you really care for your dad and want to help him all that you can. Try and talk to him when he is sober, tell him his behaviour makes you unhappy and you worry one of these days he is going to get seriously hurt if he has so many enemies. You say he never listens, make him listen, start to raise your voice if you have to.
If he still doesn't listen, which he probably won't, then you need to start putting yourself first and try and get out of such an environment. It is no fun living on your nerves wondering if he is going to come in drunk tonight, it is soul destroying.
I wish you all the best in this tough situation xHow can I deal with my alcoholic father?
I see you care about him which is great but sometimes its good to do touch love. tell him when hes sober, dad you have a problem and you know it your just not accepting it. Im going to try and get you help I have a list of rehabs and aaa meetings you can go to ( find out this information of course ) and you can talk openly and try to fix the problem bc I love you and its sad to see you like this bc its not the real you I know. If your not willing to accept it then I cant help you dont come to me for help or money because what you are doing is killing yourself slowly
and maybe you can try and bring up some information about drinking. have it all like prepared in a folder to show to him. It might make a difference trust me.
Get in touch with Al-Anon
Why should you confront him? He is an adult and he has an addiction that he can't control. He can no more stop drinking than a heroin addict can just stop taking heroin.
But you can't help an addict who doesn't want help, and he clearly doesn't want your help.
So leave him alone. You can't control his behavior, nor do you have any right to condemn him. If you don't like living with him, move out on your own. You are an adult, and you are living in his house. Maybe it's time to get your own place and let your parents live their own lives.
I totally agree with pittyakk. Get in touch with Al-Anon
Source(s):
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h
They will help you learn ways to deal with yourself - family - and him.
You cant do anything about it. He has to realise for himself he has a problem, or why would he fix something that to him, isn't broken? As a recovered addict I can tell you that it's not you or your mother. ITS HIM. I have a 3 year old beautiful daughter and she wasn't enough to get clean by myself! I had to be court ordered to rehab, and after awhile I realised I had a problem. Only then could I get better. Unfortunately your dad is up in age, and most likely set in his ways. Don't confront him or tell him he's an alky. It will only make life harder for u and mom. Sometimes you have to leave, or else he wont hit rock bottom. Why would he get clean if he has a place to stay and money for beer? I dont know what you have in your country, but i'd tell ur mom to tell him detox or the streets. Maybe then he could see how bad he really is. Its harsh but REAL.
Sad that at 23 you are still stuck with your alcoholic father. It seems to be a lifelong distressing situation which you have been subjected to. Clearly at 55 he will not reform and his alcoholism will send him to an early grave. Sadly as a young lady, your protectionist feelings for your father is understandable. It maybe important for you to adopt an authoritarian approach towards your father. In that way the roles are swopped and you become practically his mother. Do not waste your time trying to wean him off the bottle. Instead start setting rules which he is bound to break. When he does start punishing him. If he is unemployed then clearly you and/or your mother are supporting his habit. Punishment may take the form of depriving him of money to buy the booze? It will make him sick a few days but he will learn eventually who is in charge. Once he does then ';permit'; him to drink again but subject to conditions such as no fighting with the neighbours, no being violent etc. Hope this helps
first you have to love your father, he badly need that. second there are groups of people who are helping each other to handle alcoholism. the AA. in other countries are present.excel bird
He has a lot of enemies... when he gets drunk.. his words are just horrible and violent.. his words hurt other people.
Every time, I confront his behavior.. he'll just deny that something's wrong with him. He'll just blame others, sometimes.. he would blame my mom.. or me. I love him, because he's my father. But I am starting to get tired of his behavior...
If he comes home drunk tonight...
I don't know what to do.How can I deal with my alcoholic father?
I sympathise as I grew up with an alcoholic father and he ruined my childhood and messed up my head. I have tried all I could to help him like contact different agencies who deal with this kind of thing but they all say that until he recognises he has a problem then they cannot help.
I have had to put up with him being arrested for drunk and disorderly, shoplifting while out of his face and all sorts of other abusive behaviour. I have been the laughing stock because of him especially when his name goes in the paper. I cut ties when he started to come to my home where I live with my son and start again. I have tried and failed with him, he doesn't want help and I am ****** if he is going to ruin my life anymore.
I can tell you really care for your dad and want to help him all that you can. Try and talk to him when he is sober, tell him his behaviour makes you unhappy and you worry one of these days he is going to get seriously hurt if he has so many enemies. You say he never listens, make him listen, start to raise your voice if you have to.
If he still doesn't listen, which he probably won't, then you need to start putting yourself first and try and get out of such an environment. It is no fun living on your nerves wondering if he is going to come in drunk tonight, it is soul destroying.
I wish you all the best in this tough situation xHow can I deal with my alcoholic father?
I see you care about him which is great but sometimes its good to do touch love. tell him when hes sober, dad you have a problem and you know it your just not accepting it. Im going to try and get you help I have a list of rehabs and aaa meetings you can go to ( find out this information of course ) and you can talk openly and try to fix the problem bc I love you and its sad to see you like this bc its not the real you I know. If your not willing to accept it then I cant help you dont come to me for help or money because what you are doing is killing yourself slowly
and maybe you can try and bring up some information about drinking. have it all like prepared in a folder to show to him. It might make a difference trust me.
Get in touch with Al-Anon
Why should you confront him? He is an adult and he has an addiction that he can't control. He can no more stop drinking than a heroin addict can just stop taking heroin.
But you can't help an addict who doesn't want help, and he clearly doesn't want your help.
So leave him alone. You can't control his behavior, nor do you have any right to condemn him. If you don't like living with him, move out on your own. You are an adult, and you are living in his house. Maybe it's time to get your own place and let your parents live their own lives.
I totally agree with pittyakk. Get in touch with Al-Anon
Source(s):
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h
They will help you learn ways to deal with yourself - family - and him.
You cant do anything about it. He has to realise for himself he has a problem, or why would he fix something that to him, isn't broken? As a recovered addict I can tell you that it's not you or your mother. ITS HIM. I have a 3 year old beautiful daughter and she wasn't enough to get clean by myself! I had to be court ordered to rehab, and after awhile I realised I had a problem. Only then could I get better. Unfortunately your dad is up in age, and most likely set in his ways. Don't confront him or tell him he's an alky. It will only make life harder for u and mom. Sometimes you have to leave, or else he wont hit rock bottom. Why would he get clean if he has a place to stay and money for beer? I dont know what you have in your country, but i'd tell ur mom to tell him detox or the streets. Maybe then he could see how bad he really is. Its harsh but REAL.
Sad that at 23 you are still stuck with your alcoholic father. It seems to be a lifelong distressing situation which you have been subjected to. Clearly at 55 he will not reform and his alcoholism will send him to an early grave. Sadly as a young lady, your protectionist feelings for your father is understandable. It maybe important for you to adopt an authoritarian approach towards your father. In that way the roles are swopped and you become practically his mother. Do not waste your time trying to wean him off the bottle. Instead start setting rules which he is bound to break. When he does start punishing him. If he is unemployed then clearly you and/or your mother are supporting his habit. Punishment may take the form of depriving him of money to buy the booze? It will make him sick a few days but he will learn eventually who is in charge. Once he does then ';permit'; him to drink again but subject to conditions such as no fighting with the neighbours, no being violent etc. Hope this helps
first you have to love your father, he badly need that. second there are groups of people who are helping each other to handle alcoholism. the AA. in other countries are present.
Dealing with an alcoholic father.?
We've done all we can do to make him see what his action can %26amp; will do, but he doesn't seem to get it through his head. He lost his wife, my Mother 3 years ago, he's ALL we have left in this world %26amp; we don't want to see him sink down to the gutter. But last month he showed up drunk to my house %26amp; started raging out against my family all because we weren't willing to take him to pick up his truck, he was so close to fighting his own son, %26amp; began ranting about how his life wasn't worth anything. I hate to say it but that night I lost my father too. My siblings %26amp; I, have come to the conclusion that if he doesn't calm his act down, he will lose touch with all of us, we have to let my grandparents %26amp; his brothers/sisters know.. so if anything were to happen to him, we don't get blamed. It hurts, he's our father, but we can't allow him to hurt our family like this anymore. What would you guys do in a situation like this?Dealing with an alcoholic father.?
Sorry you have to go through so much.
Your father has to want to change on his own. There is nothing in this world that we can do to change that. My mother died in June 2007 because she refused the medical help that she needed. My brother died in August 2007 because he was so depressed over our mother dying that he made the choice in his life to drink himself to death. Some times it makes me angry that they never think about the people they are leaving behind when they make bad choices in life. I try to think about how things will effect some one else before I make a choice in life.
I think you are making the right decision, it may even bring him into reality. You were right in not taking him to pick up his truck when obviously he was drunk. Don't feel bad the choice is really his, not yours to make.Dealing with an alcoholic father.?
pray for him.
if you have $$$.....intervention
if you don't....go to Al-Anon, maybe somebody will have an idea
I think you should find an Al Anon chapter in your area, a support group for families of alcoholics. Good for you for setting boundaries. Don't let his drinking get you down. You should try to see if he will go for counselling as well. Let him know his actions will not be tolerated.
You and your sibs need to go to Al Anon meetings to understand better about alcoholism; more to it than you think, and if possible, get your dad into AA.
I HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER.SHE LOST ALL 4 OF HER KIDS WHEN WE WERE JUST BABIES. WEVE TRIED TO HELP HER GET HER INTO CLASSES. NOW THAT IM 19, I KNOW NOW THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP MY MOM IS HER SELF......EVEN THOUGH WE CANT STAND HOW THEY ARE TREATING THEMSELVES AND EVERY1 AROUND THEM...I HAVE A FEELING IF MY MOM DONT QUIT SOON.....HER CHANCES AT LIFE WILL BE OVER.
Unfortunately,alcoholic family members are the hardest thing in life to deal with sometimes.Especially after they have lost someone they love.But you can not let your children(if you have any)be around someone when they are drunk.In the same aspect,you have to maintain your own sanity.Simply put it to him in no uncertain terms,that if he is drunk,he can not be around you.It is hard,and I had to do it with my own dad,but explain to him how it hurts you to see him that way.Suggest to him that you go through treatment together.After all,it is his problem,but he has put you in the middle of it.The thought of getting better but not being alone sometimes is all the incentive a loved one needs to get started.If they have the choice of being alone,or getting well with their family at their side,they can see the possibility of a positive.
I wouldn't allow him around me and my family. He has problems that only he can fix.
Alcoholics don't think that they have a serious problem that is why he won't get it through his head. He needs help and you have to help him recover from alcohol. By doing that you will need help from aunts and uncles and friends that care for him and you trust. Here is some more help from Y/A friends just click the link below god bless and good luck!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;
I think that matter what you do he will not realize his faults until he himself realizes that he has a problem. The more you argue, yell, fight. etc. your just pushing him more to it.
I agree that you guys should get his whole family involved maybe that will be a rude awaking for him.
Sorry you have to go through so much.
Your father has to want to change on his own. There is nothing in this world that we can do to change that. My mother died in June 2007 because she refused the medical help that she needed. My brother died in August 2007 because he was so depressed over our mother dying that he made the choice in his life to drink himself to death. Some times it makes me angry that they never think about the people they are leaving behind when they make bad choices in life. I try to think about how things will effect some one else before I make a choice in life.
I think you are making the right decision, it may even bring him into reality. You were right in not taking him to pick up his truck when obviously he was drunk. Don't feel bad the choice is really his, not yours to make.Dealing with an alcoholic father.?
pray for him.
if you have $$$.....intervention
if you don't....go to Al-Anon, maybe somebody will have an idea
I think you should find an Al Anon chapter in your area, a support group for families of alcoholics. Good for you for setting boundaries. Don't let his drinking get you down. You should try to see if he will go for counselling as well. Let him know his actions will not be tolerated.
You and your sibs need to go to Al Anon meetings to understand better about alcoholism; more to it than you think, and if possible, get your dad into AA.
I HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER.SHE LOST ALL 4 OF HER KIDS WHEN WE WERE JUST BABIES. WEVE TRIED TO HELP HER GET HER INTO CLASSES. NOW THAT IM 19, I KNOW NOW THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN HELP MY MOM IS HER SELF......EVEN THOUGH WE CANT STAND HOW THEY ARE TREATING THEMSELVES AND EVERY1 AROUND THEM...I HAVE A FEELING IF MY MOM DONT QUIT SOON.....HER CHANCES AT LIFE WILL BE OVER.
Unfortunately,alcoholic family members are the hardest thing in life to deal with sometimes.Especially after they have lost someone they love.But you can not let your children(if you have any)be around someone when they are drunk.In the same aspect,you have to maintain your own sanity.Simply put it to him in no uncertain terms,that if he is drunk,he can not be around you.It is hard,and I had to do it with my own dad,but explain to him how it hurts you to see him that way.Suggest to him that you go through treatment together.After all,it is his problem,but he has put you in the middle of it.The thought of getting better but not being alone sometimes is all the incentive a loved one needs to get started.If they have the choice of being alone,or getting well with their family at their side,they can see the possibility of a positive.
I wouldn't allow him around me and my family. He has problems that only he can fix.
Alcoholics don't think that they have a serious problem that is why he won't get it through his head. He needs help and you have to help him recover from alcohol. By doing that you will need help from aunts and uncles and friends that care for him and you trust. Here is some more help from Y/A friends just click the link below god bless and good luck!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;
I think that matter what you do he will not realize his faults until he himself realizes that he has a problem. The more you argue, yell, fight. etc. your just pushing him more to it.
I agree that you guys should get his whole family involved maybe that will be a rude awaking for him.
What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault & DWI?
*****Please don't read this if you will be judgemental, I am looking for solid, intelligent advice, perhaps from people who have dealt with violent alcoholics before. ******
Here's what happened: My boyfriend that lives with me got extremely drunk Friday night and beat me very violently while I was driving my car with my 8 month old daughter (not his) in the backseat, and then drove his car away when I got him back to his car. I called the cops because I was scared of him coming back and being more violent, and when they found him he obviously also got arrested for DWI, and also has a charge for endangering the welfare of a minor because my daughter was in the backseat when he was hitting me and that could have caused an accident, and pending charges for a hit and run because his car was damaged, if they can figure out what he hit.
When the police completed the reports they asked me if i wanted a stay away temporary order of protection, and when they asked me this and had me sign the paperwork, I was scared and it seemed like a good idea at the time due to my fear. The order of protection says that if he has any contact with me (phone, email, in person, or even through a third party) he will be charged with a violation of the order, but he still called me from jail, and I accepted the calls because his father told me he really needed to talk to me to apologize.
When I talked to him, he told me that he was blacked out when this happened, he has absolutely no memory of the events of that night, he feels absolutely terrible about it and cannot believe he did it. I believe it 100 percent that he didnt intentionally do these things. He has NEVER hit me before and he is not like this all when he is sober, but I also know that the bottom line is that he still did it, and does deserve to face the consequences. He is facing at least a year for the DWI and then another 8 months if I pursue the charges for the assault.
He was sober for 6 years from 2002 to 2008, so he has proven in the past that he can avoid alcohol, but last year he made the mistake of thinking he could handle drinks again, and it has been downhill from there for him since. I met him 6 months ago, and at first I would drink with him, but about 3 months ago I stopped drinking and he also cut back but, well obviously he is a person who should never ever drink. He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.
He says he is going to seek all of the help he can get and that he doesnt want to lose me. I know that I definitely plan to use the time while he is in jail to work on improving myself and getting therapy to learn how to have healthy relationships (I have a tendency to ';need'; men to boost my self esteem and I also am an ';enabler';). I do not even know right now if I will stay with him after this, but I don't want to make that decision right now because I need to see how he does on a long term basis, and give myself time to heal as well. I also know that after he does get out of jail, that is the crucial time to see if he really means what he says, but i figure since I am going to be single anyways for a long time, in order to work on improving me, then if we are meant to be together, we will and it will be a healthy relationship, or not at all.
So, with all that in mind, and the fact that I love him very very much, at this point I think I want to have the order of protection removed, because I want to be able to write to him and possibly visit him in jail so he knows that I support him getting help for his alcoholism, and also so that he will know that I am not concerned with finding another man.
The problem is, my daughter's biological father is currently pursuing a custody case against me to avoid paying child support, and I am worried that if the court finds out that I requested to remove the order of protection from the man that endangered my daughter's welfare, they may view that as me not making the right choices for her, but the thing is, my boyfriend is in jail anyways so obviously that keeps us physically safe for now, and the only thing the order of protection does is increase the penalties for him if he is in contact with me... If I dont have it removed, then the only way I could keep in contact with him is through my boyfriend's father who will go and visit him and talk to him on the phone to tell him how I am doing and vice versa on how he is doing.
.....I want to make the right choices for me, my daughter, and the man that I love, so what level of contact should I have with him?What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault %26amp; DWI?
Your #1 concern should be your daughter right now. If it jeopardizes custody in any way, do not remove the order of protection.
You do not need to be around this man when he gets out anyway. He needs to get himself clean and sober for a decent amount of time before you even start thinking about seeing him again, if ever.
You need to get some real counseling, there's usually free counseling on woman's issues like this. Try your local YWCA and/or United Way.What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault %26amp; DWI?
How many dwi`s did he have in the past and has he ever been violent towards any of his other exs?
ZERO contact is what you should have with him. You cannot possibly become who you want to become under this type of stress...nor can he get past his addictions/demons without completely exposing himself to the consequences brought on by them. The worst 'crime' he committed that night was endangering the life of an 8-month-old baby girl...if you remove that protection order, you are doing your daughter a great injustice...
With all the problems and chaos in your life right now, I absolutely CANNOT fathom how the first and foremost thing on your mind right now is how YOU feel about this guy, regardless of what he's done. He's an alcoholic, he beat you, and endangered your baby's life...this guy should be nothing more than a distant memory to you! Yes...you ARE an enabler...but you say that as if it were a badge of honor rather than a source of embarrassment...which it is. Grow up and quit hiding behind the delusion that you want to make the right choices for you and your daughter because you know as well as I do, that isn't what's happening here.
And just for the record...this isn't a judgement...merely an observation.
EDIT: Since you have a place for them, keep the dog and his stuff. When he gets out...have an impartial party come and get everything and take it to him.
What part of 'no' don't you understand? You don't need to contact him 'one last time' to tell him you're keeping the protection order...he'll figure that out on his own.
No contact at all. Don't you realize your daughter could have been killed? In my state once they answer the call the state picks it up. You can't drop anything and they subpoena you as a witness for the state. You need to worry that your daughters father doesn't find out she was in the back seat of that car.
You've only known this guy for 6 months and all you know is what he tells you and what his father says. So that can't prove to you he was 6 years sober. You do need to be afraid when he's around. Very afraid. As they say .. ain't that much love in the world.
';He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.';
I am quoting you here... it's hearsay, but beside that, it's a statement your boyfriend was to have said.
I am also going to tell you i am a recovering alcoholic.
I know this isn't answering your question, but i do want to touch on this just for a minute. if you have had repeated relationships with people who have alcohol, drug abuse or problems with being violent, then you would be very smart to seek counseling. It might give you some insight as to why you choose these people. I'd also suggest some Alanon meetings. In case you do not know what Alanon is, it's a support group for those of use whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.
You would be doing yourself worlds of favors if your focus was on you and your child right now. Period.
On to the question -- you really need to enforce and utilize this order of protection. At least until you get your own life together. I do realize you care for this person, but do you really love him, or is he a crutch? Please figure this out -- you said something to the effect that you have to have a man in your life... this can be an unsafe practice, because it could lead to becoming attached to men who are no good for your daughter, let alone you.
your daughter deserves a good life with clear thinking parent(s).
that's my answer.
Well Listen and listen good! If a man hits U once he will do it again, believe me. I know from experience because the woman I'm with now her x did her the same way and she she still suffering to this very day some14 yrs later.
Walk away and don't turn back, next time he might kill U and OOPs an accident'; NOT HIS FAULT.'; Think of your daughter and the rest of your life.
Your kids dad will get custody if he gets wind of it if he has a good job and home.
Okay straight, respectful but no chaser....
You can't afford to have contact with him. Aside from the obvious-physically harming you, he causes you to 'fall off a bandwagon' too--he enables you to act on your enabling ways. This is detrimental to you and your child b/c your actions will directly mold hers.
My advice is to do the seemingly heartless and impossible. Please be done with him. Remove all traces of his existence from your life (if you can move w/o fowarding address so he doesn't find you again), seek counseling and work as diligently as you can towards realizing your own self-worth and enabling yourself to reach your own goals.
I do not mean to alarm you but you are jeopardizing your life, your child's and as you mentioned your relationship with your child should the court be made aware of the removal. Your baby is 8 months old-- you don't need to drink, perhaps breast feeding would've detered you, but nevertheless I am glad to hear you stopped.
You CAN do this. You MUST.
Believe me, I am not judgemental.
But here's the thing: he beat you once - it happened once and you have nothing that proves you it won't happen again once he gets out.
I know you love him but you have to think perfectly straight here because your daughter's life is at stake - she needs you the most. It depends on you if she will be raised by you or by her father.
You shouldn't remove the protection order until the custody problem is solved.
I understand you can't write to him unless the protection order is removed but you can make a friend send your letter in his name and explain to him that you can't remove the protection order because of the custody and can't visit for a while.
Don't risk losing your child over this.
Best of luck!
No, it's not alright to see him because when you go to the trial for custody, the judge won't care why you kept in touch with him or if you did it just once. Write him if you want to.
Here's what happened: My boyfriend that lives with me got extremely drunk Friday night and beat me very violently while I was driving my car with my 8 month old daughter (not his) in the backseat, and then drove his car away when I got him back to his car. I called the cops because I was scared of him coming back and being more violent, and when they found him he obviously also got arrested for DWI, and also has a charge for endangering the welfare of a minor because my daughter was in the backseat when he was hitting me and that could have caused an accident, and pending charges for a hit and run because his car was damaged, if they can figure out what he hit.
When the police completed the reports they asked me if i wanted a stay away temporary order of protection, and when they asked me this and had me sign the paperwork, I was scared and it seemed like a good idea at the time due to my fear. The order of protection says that if he has any contact with me (phone, email, in person, or even through a third party) he will be charged with a violation of the order, but he still called me from jail, and I accepted the calls because his father told me he really needed to talk to me to apologize.
When I talked to him, he told me that he was blacked out when this happened, he has absolutely no memory of the events of that night, he feels absolutely terrible about it and cannot believe he did it. I believe it 100 percent that he didnt intentionally do these things. He has NEVER hit me before and he is not like this all when he is sober, but I also know that the bottom line is that he still did it, and does deserve to face the consequences. He is facing at least a year for the DWI and then another 8 months if I pursue the charges for the assault.
He was sober for 6 years from 2002 to 2008, so he has proven in the past that he can avoid alcohol, but last year he made the mistake of thinking he could handle drinks again, and it has been downhill from there for him since. I met him 6 months ago, and at first I would drink with him, but about 3 months ago I stopped drinking and he also cut back but, well obviously he is a person who should never ever drink. He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.
He says he is going to seek all of the help he can get and that he doesnt want to lose me. I know that I definitely plan to use the time while he is in jail to work on improving myself and getting therapy to learn how to have healthy relationships (I have a tendency to ';need'; men to boost my self esteem and I also am an ';enabler';). I do not even know right now if I will stay with him after this, but I don't want to make that decision right now because I need to see how he does on a long term basis, and give myself time to heal as well. I also know that after he does get out of jail, that is the crucial time to see if he really means what he says, but i figure since I am going to be single anyways for a long time, in order to work on improving me, then if we are meant to be together, we will and it will be a healthy relationship, or not at all.
So, with all that in mind, and the fact that I love him very very much, at this point I think I want to have the order of protection removed, because I want to be able to write to him and possibly visit him in jail so he knows that I support him getting help for his alcoholism, and also so that he will know that I am not concerned with finding another man.
The problem is, my daughter's biological father is currently pursuing a custody case against me to avoid paying child support, and I am worried that if the court finds out that I requested to remove the order of protection from the man that endangered my daughter's welfare, they may view that as me not making the right choices for her, but the thing is, my boyfriend is in jail anyways so obviously that keeps us physically safe for now, and the only thing the order of protection does is increase the penalties for him if he is in contact with me... If I dont have it removed, then the only way I could keep in contact with him is through my boyfriend's father who will go and visit him and talk to him on the phone to tell him how I am doing and vice versa on how he is doing.
.....I want to make the right choices for me, my daughter, and the man that I love, so what level of contact should I have with him?What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault %26amp; DWI?
Your #1 concern should be your daughter right now. If it jeopardizes custody in any way, do not remove the order of protection.
You do not need to be around this man when he gets out anyway. He needs to get himself clean and sober for a decent amount of time before you even start thinking about seeing him again, if ever.
You need to get some real counseling, there's usually free counseling on woman's issues like this. Try your local YWCA and/or United Way.What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault %26amp; DWI?
How many dwi`s did he have in the past and has he ever been violent towards any of his other exs?
ZERO contact is what you should have with him. You cannot possibly become who you want to become under this type of stress...nor can he get past his addictions/demons without completely exposing himself to the consequences brought on by them. The worst 'crime' he committed that night was endangering the life of an 8-month-old baby girl...if you remove that protection order, you are doing your daughter a great injustice...
With all the problems and chaos in your life right now, I absolutely CANNOT fathom how the first and foremost thing on your mind right now is how YOU feel about this guy, regardless of what he's done. He's an alcoholic, he beat you, and endangered your baby's life...this guy should be nothing more than a distant memory to you! Yes...you ARE an enabler...but you say that as if it were a badge of honor rather than a source of embarrassment...which it is. Grow up and quit hiding behind the delusion that you want to make the right choices for you and your daughter because you know as well as I do, that isn't what's happening here.
And just for the record...this isn't a judgement...merely an observation.
EDIT: Since you have a place for them, keep the dog and his stuff. When he gets out...have an impartial party come and get everything and take it to him.
What part of 'no' don't you understand? You don't need to contact him 'one last time' to tell him you're keeping the protection order...he'll figure that out on his own.
No contact at all. Don't you realize your daughter could have been killed? In my state once they answer the call the state picks it up. You can't drop anything and they subpoena you as a witness for the state. You need to worry that your daughters father doesn't find out she was in the back seat of that car.
You've only known this guy for 6 months and all you know is what he tells you and what his father says. So that can't prove to you he was 6 years sober. You do need to be afraid when he's around. Very afraid. As they say .. ain't that much love in the world.
';He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.';
I am quoting you here... it's hearsay, but beside that, it's a statement your boyfriend was to have said.
I am also going to tell you i am a recovering alcoholic.
I know this isn't answering your question, but i do want to touch on this just for a minute. if you have had repeated relationships with people who have alcohol, drug abuse or problems with being violent, then you would be very smart to seek counseling. It might give you some insight as to why you choose these people. I'd also suggest some Alanon meetings. In case you do not know what Alanon is, it's a support group for those of use whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.
You would be doing yourself worlds of favors if your focus was on you and your child right now. Period.
On to the question -- you really need to enforce and utilize this order of protection. At least until you get your own life together. I do realize you care for this person, but do you really love him, or is he a crutch? Please figure this out -- you said something to the effect that you have to have a man in your life... this can be an unsafe practice, because it could lead to becoming attached to men who are no good for your daughter, let alone you.
your daughter deserves a good life with clear thinking parent(s).
that's my answer.
Well Listen and listen good! If a man hits U once he will do it again, believe me. I know from experience because the woman I'm with now her x did her the same way and she she still suffering to this very day some14 yrs later.
Walk away and don't turn back, next time he might kill U and OOPs an accident'; NOT HIS FAULT.'; Think of your daughter and the rest of your life.
Your kids dad will get custody if he gets wind of it if he has a good job and home.
Okay straight, respectful but no chaser....
You can't afford to have contact with him. Aside from the obvious-physically harming you, he causes you to 'fall off a bandwagon' too--he enables you to act on your enabling ways. This is detrimental to you and your child b/c your actions will directly mold hers.
My advice is to do the seemingly heartless and impossible. Please be done with him. Remove all traces of his existence from your life (if you can move w/o fowarding address so he doesn't find you again), seek counseling and work as diligently as you can towards realizing your own self-worth and enabling yourself to reach your own goals.
I do not mean to alarm you but you are jeopardizing your life, your child's and as you mentioned your relationship with your child should the court be made aware of the removal. Your baby is 8 months old-- you don't need to drink, perhaps breast feeding would've detered you, but nevertheless I am glad to hear you stopped.
You CAN do this. You MUST.
Believe me, I am not judgemental.
But here's the thing: he beat you once - it happened once and you have nothing that proves you it won't happen again once he gets out.
I know you love him but you have to think perfectly straight here because your daughter's life is at stake - she needs you the most. It depends on you if she will be raised by you or by her father.
You shouldn't remove the protection order until the custody problem is solved.
I understand you can't write to him unless the protection order is removed but you can make a friend send your letter in his name and explain to him that you can't remove the protection order because of the custody and can't visit for a while.
Don't risk losing your child over this.
Best of luck!
No, it's not alright to see him because when you go to the trial for custody, the judge won't care why you kept in touch with him or if you did it just once. Write him if you want to.
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