Sorry this is so long but, please I need your help.Back 7 yrs. ago I fell in love with a guy who I realized was an alcoholic but, somehow I convinced myself that I could make life better for him because I knew down deep he was a great guy. He was just out of a 14 yr. marriage which was over with many yrs. before. We were together for 4 yrs. before things started to fall apart mainly because of his drinking but, I never stopped loving him. After a huge fight he walked out one night %26amp; did not return for 8 mths. During that time he got involved with a married woman but, that lasted only 4 mths. at which time he did everything he could to convince me to take him back telling me what a mistake he had made, that he never stopped loving me %26amp; regretted hurting me. With many promises for a wonderful future together %26amp; telling me I could totally trust him because he had almost lost the best thing (me) that ever happened to him.It took a lot for me to fully trust him again even though I loved him with all my heart. For the next 3 yrs. up till now he continued to show me he loved me by constantly showering me with gifts, buying flowers, cards, love notes around the house, being very affectionate %26amp; loving, etc. The only thing that never changed was his drinking which on an occasion we fought about when it got out of hand. The last couple of mths. he started to become extremely overwhelmed with family, his job %26amp; taking care of the many acres of property he had just purchased. I helped as much as possible %26amp; began to furnish %26amp; set up our new home. I could tell he was very stressed %26amp; inturn his drinking started to pick up which once again caused us to fight a lot but, not to the point where I thought our relationship was in jeopardy. Then 1 mth. ago, after a heated argument he decided he needed a break. I of course, was devastated %26amp; out of panic cried %26amp; begged him to not end it. I reminded him of his promises to me but, to no avail. The next day I moved back to my apt. He cried with me on that day, told me he still loved me %26amp; was not saying it was over-he just needed time. He still continued to call me every night %26amp; telling me he loved me. After 2 wks. passed %26amp; giving him his space, hoping that time away from me would make him miss me, he hooks up with a girl he meets at a festival. Now this girl is with him 24/7 %26amp; staying at his home which I helped set up. He tells her he loves her %26amp; wants to marry her. This of course, caused a nasty parting of ways with us %26amp; now he has severed all ties with me. How can things go so wrong in such a short period of time? I feel so used %26amp; betrayed after believing everything he had promised me %26amp; it makes me sick to think that this girl is in his home living the life I was suppose to live. i feel like I was never given the chance to fight for our relationship- just like that, it's over! Now, I'm unable to think about anything else %26amp; all I do is think about those two together. When I'm at work I just go through the motions but, I'm disconnected. I have an extreme need to know why he did this to me %26amp; I can't wrap myself around the fact that he can stop loving me just like that %26amp; profess his love to her. Why would a person go to such great lengths to convince someone of their love %26amp; devotion %26amp; then rip their heart out? I feel like such a fool for believing in him %26amp; my self-esteem is at an all time low! All I do now, is pray to God that there relationship will burn in hell but, that doesn't take the pain away! Please, what can I do to deal with all these feelings %26amp; emotions- I'm not ready to go out %26amp; deal with people right now- I just want to stop hurting %26amp; crying!How do I get over these feelings of betrayal %26amp; being made a fool of?
You have already given him years of your life, why are you still giving him more time. Haven't you already wasted Precious time? Give him one more day, by crying, wipe your tears and don't give him any more power over you or your life. Next time remember, you can't change anyone but yourself and, if a person show you who they are believe them. You knew he was an alcoholic, but you thought you could change him. He left because, he wants someone who will accept him for who he is, AN ALCOHOLIC, and that is not who you want. but, it might be ok with the new girl, because she might be one too. Unless, she is another women who think she can change a guy.How do I get over these feelings of betrayal %26amp; being made a fool of?
He's your garden variety alcoholic - the hooking up is like the last straw of how pathetic they sink.
Have you looked into Al-Anon? That's for the family members of the alcoholics. You'll sit in meetings and hear story after story like yours. Here's a link to the organization:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Now, if you have more than one Al-Anon group in your community (or close to your community) try different ones until you find one that you feel you fit in the most.
Good luck - you can do it. Get some support from Al-Anon - that's what they are there for!
Unfortunately you feel in love with someone who does not share the values of a wonderful relationship that you want in life.This guy is weak and has no respect for himself or you.He will treat the next girl the same as you.The trick for him is winning them back and the trick for you is to not waste another day in misery.Your Mr.right is looking for a good person like you,so feeling sorry for yourself is stopping you from enjoying life for what it is.Just keep telling yourself that he is a jerk and the other person that he is with will feel the same as you ,when he does the same to her.Walk with pride not pity !
The answer is because of the alcohol. I have been with 2 alcoholics. he never loved you and he doesn't love her. All his feelings and relationships are fake and if he ever gets sober one day he will know it. Don't hate her pity her, because she is no doubt like you and he will do the same to her. Get some counseling and try a few alanon classes. Your better dealing with this now then later. You could have married him and had kids. You probably don't even know who he really is (even though I'm sure you believe you do) he doesn't even know him. All you know is him the alcoholic. Everything he does is a lie fueled by booze. When day (hopefully) he will get sober and realize he lost most of his life. Get counseling, break all ties with him forever, and stay out of relationships until you have much better self esteem. Alcoholics leave a very destructive painful path. He will hurt everyone who loves him until he gets sober. You are better then the mess you were in. You can't have a real relationship with a drunk. You both were living in a fantasy land. I'm sorry to be blunt, and sorry you have to go through this. Be strong and never take him back ever. It will only get worse, he will do it again and more. Learn to love you and know you are worth great things and someday a man will come along who loves you for real and treats you right.
I wrote an answer but Yahoo glitched and it didn't post. I have read the other posts and the other answers are good, I agree.
In addition to help yourself get over the hurt and loneliness, join something that is a regular thing you can look forward to...a club, a sport, a craft club, go to church, or do something else you enjoy. Even when you don't feel like it, make yourself go. And the best way to get your focus off yourself and help overcome the pity parties is to volunteer where you are helping other people or animals. Watch comedy movies and not sad and/or romatic movies for a while. Get a pet if you can. They are there when you get home. They love and don't judge you and taking care of the pet will be another way to squash loneliness. They help you put some of your focus on them rather than your situation some too.
Don't jump into a rebound relationship until you heal and deal with the baggage from this situation because it will only add to your problems. Give yourself some time to deal with it and heal.
I was in a similar situation at one time. It's hard to imagine now how it will get better, but believe me, it will!
Grieving is part of healing. give yourself permission to grieve. you have lost something you invested alot of emotions and passion into and had dreams and plans for the future. It is normal to feel the pain of that loss. And until you grieve it, it will not find closure. Now, when your heart tells you taht you are obsessing over it then is a red flag that you need to get therapy. This is because you have become stagnant and unable to pass through it without guidance and support. There is no shame in getting therapy. It doenst mean you are mentally ill. It only means taht you need objective professional skills to heal. The future seems hopeless to you right now. But it isnt. You will heal in time and have a good life because you will learn from this.You wont get involved with the dysfunction of alchoholism and you will not become an enabler again. You will love and be loved. You are a good person with alot to offer a man. There is life after a breakup, dont give up. The people who told you to go to alanon are giving you great advice too. ITs hard to understand addcitions and enabling if you haventhad them. Please go to a good therapist and go to alanon. Allow me to share a quote with you by Ernie Lawson: ';The reason we wont let go of what we have is that we dont believe something better is in front of us. So we hang on desperatesly to waht was. Until you let go you dont get the beautiful stuff that can be. In living that truth where things can get better they do get better.';
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