Monday, December 12, 2011

My fiance is an alcoholic?

He kinda wants to quit but kinda doesn't and he knows he should. Hes quit in the past with AA, and has been thinking about going to AA again. The only way his addiction affects our relationship is financially. I know, thats bad enough. But he wants help and support from me also. Ive never dealt with an alcoholic or any kind of addict before so i have no idea how to help and support him. Any advice? Please be respectful!My fiance is an alcoholic?
Giggles....there is no reason for anyone to disrespect your serious question about someone you care about.

I think it is a very good idea that you are asking about how to help and how to support him---and I have a very healthy suggestion for you---Al Anon.

It is a 12 step program that is similar to AA for those who drink, only Al Anon is for those who love someone with a drinking

problem. You can attend and learn a lot from others who are

walking in the same shoes you are.

You will learn not only how to support and help him, but also

healthy ways to take care of yourself at the same time.

If this man is your fiance, then you are facing a lifelong illness

that he has---and it is not going to go away. Alcoholics

Anonymous teaches that with serious working of the steps,

you can become a ';recovering alcoholic'; but you are not


As you have seen yourself, when he quit going to AA, he

returned to drinking. I hope he does go back again.

Right now you are writing that the only way his drinking affects your relationship is financially---but to marry him, and

perhaps depend on him to help pay for a home.....or if

children come along---you may depend on someone who is

not very reliable if actively drinking....and it can become far

more difficult than you find it now.

Also, alcoholism is a progressive illness, it gets worse without treatment.....

So it behooves you to learn as much as you can, and I do think it is very positive that you wrote this email asking for advice. Good for you!

I know of many long term marriages of recoverings and their spouses, who have learned through AA %26amp; Al Anon how

to cope with a potentially deadly illness.

I wish you well......and him, too. Miracles can and do happen.

DorisMy fiance is an alcoholic?
Well if you really love him then i would say jusr be by his side try not to hurt him and just help me !

Hope it works out !
so is my mum but she wont admit it!! at least he admits he is as most dont so this shows hes worried about it too!! and he wants to stop for you!! you just need to be there for him every step of the way telling him how well hs doing and how proud of him you are!!
Yes i have advice... please attend Alanon meetings as soon as you find one!!! And keep attending!!

You need help too... you believe this ';only affects you financially'; but when the rent isn't paid, and the electric is shut off, and you start arguing, everything will change.. and why on earth would you want to be around someone who is drunk all of the time?

I can tell that you haven't been exposed to alcoholism, and know nothing about it.. the hard truth is, the booze is more important to an alcoholic than anything -- including wives and other loved ones.

I am a recovering alcoholic, and i can tell you -- i'm disgusted with my past behaviors... the drinking, the stupidity of it all!
I would advise you to NOT marry him until his alcoholism is under control. If you are not comfortable with it now, it will NOT improve if you get married - in fact, it will get WORSE. You cannot make him quit - only he can make that choice.

Check out AlAnon..... best of luck to you.
If you asked spouses married to gambling, drinkers, druggers, etc. 9 out of 10 would have said no way and run the other direction. Which one of the 10 do you want to be? Are you into giving charity out and care taking? Good luck with that.
With AA or NA meetings there sometimes is what they call alanon meetings. Which is a group of family members and friends of those going through an addiction. The group is there to help people understand their loved ones addiction as well as share stories and help others through hard times. If you do not know anything of those groups you could also talk with someone who has had a few years clean time, maybe your husbands sponsor and such and ask them what they suggest. I am sure there family has gone through the same thing. So get in touch with those family members from the AA group. That is how my mother and my neighbors wife got through some of the harder times and now they are both doing very well.
Either he's not really an alcoholic because if he really was an alcoholic it would be hurting you two a lot more than financially or he is an alcoholic and you don't really love him. Not everyone who goes to AA is an alcoholic many are simply pressured into thinking that they are because of the strong messages put out. It's almost cult like for some. Anyways, the point I'm making is that either he is a drunk and you don't love him or he's not really a drunk and he needs to budget his money a lot better. Either way, you should reconsider marrying him because either you don't love him or your in love with a weak minded fool who considers himself an alcoholic when he's not!
My friend. First, I am sorry about your predicament.

Second, you should slow down the relationship. He should focus on healing this issue before marrying you. He ';kinda wants to quit.'; But he may not, once he marries you and feels like he already has you. Also, recidivism means that he needs quite a bit of help. You can encourage him to get help, but if he doesn't do it, then you are just going to hurt yourself while you love him and his problem affects you.

Also, his issue may begin to do more than affect your finances. Not to scare you, but he should resolve it with therapy or AA before involving you in this potential disaster.

If he gets help and stops drinking for several months, your love and support can help him so much and bring you two closer together.

I wish you the best wedding once he decides to resolve this scary issue. He can still be a great husband, he just has a lot of work to do first.

Don't walk, RUN! He doesn't need your help and support, he needs a swift kick in the a** all the way to an AA meeting. He knows he is in trouble with booze, and yet he drinks. His drinking is harming you financially, well, if you stay your finances will only get worse. They'll get so bad to the point you didn't know they could be that bad.

I know. I married an alcoholic and stayed in the marriage for 19 years. It never got better, it only got worse. And I spend 19 years trying to make it better, to ';help and support.'; I finally got out and have never regretted that move.

Like I said, RUN or soon you won't have anything to giggle about.
They also have classes for people who aren't alcoholics but who live with or deal with an alcoholic. My mom used to go to those meetings. That's good that your fiance at least KINDA wants to quit. They key is to get him to want to quit completely! The best way to support him is to go to AA meetings with him or you can look up AA meetings online and find a local telephone number to call. They should be able to give you further info and or referrals to help you.

I wish you the best.
Assume that what he's admitting to you is only a SMALL part of the overall problem.

Now, do you really want to stay with him?

I hope for your sake that the answer is ';No';.
You need to kick him to the curb RIGHT NOW!!!

This is not a healthy relationship.
An alcoholic is always one. The addiction is very powerful and it wrecks families.

It is so commendable that you are helping your fiance, do not..... not get married to him. You are in for major disaster in your life and financial ruin. Many a family have been wrecked because of this. Knowing fully well that he is an alcoholic do not enter into a long time commitment. You also have to look after yourself.

You may say you love him and you cannot live without him. But mark my words - it will ring so true in future - you will find it extremely difficult to live with him.

But, of course, continue to show support and help him.
Well I have had to deal with an alcoholic mother. You have to be there for them. Sometimes tough love is the best. My dad threatened divorce and full custody of my brother and I. Only if she was not willing to go get help. She did it took a wile. My dad stopped drinking too. As a way to help my mom. We would find vodka about the house. When we find it and tell her how disappointed we were. She felt awful. She went to AA it helped. She also when to see a Phycoligist for a little bit too. She was depressed so she drank.

With the love and support from us she wanted to get better. They need to want it.

She has been sober for 12 years now and going strong.
Giggles I am sorry to hear that your man battles with alcohol. It is so important with this trouble to start to look at your man's life, his childhood, and unhappiness that he travel through with his mother and father and family. The first place for him to go is to therapy for the sadness of his young life as a child - there must be some bad experiences in his history.

Before he can go to alcohol-quit sessions, he must have many hours of discussions about his history with a professional therapy provider. If he can unlock those unhappy secrets and habits in his soul, he can then go to quit sessions and maybe be successful.

My best friend had a man deep in the bottle, and he had therapy very well to discuss his history as a child. He stopped drinking after a time, and is now a happy man. It is a lot of very hard work for a man to do this therapy, but keep with him and give him strength - he can do it :)

==HUG== I hope you can help him to get therapy and find greater love when he stops the bottle :)
You aren't going to make him quit, and just because he says he needs help doesn't mean he'll ever take it seriously. If he drinking to the point it's hurting finances, you gotta decide if it's worth that.
My now exhusband is an alcoholic. We have been divorced 1 month. I loved him until he killed everything in me by leaning on me. This is something you cannot fix for him. He is the only one with the power to fix himself. It is a very hard life if you choose to stick with it. I was raised around alcoholics and I did something I thought I would never do, married one... I understand you love the man and he loves you but it can be a very rough road. I suggest you go to a few alanon meetings. There is a lot to learn. Also read ';Codependent No More'; A very good resource. I wish you luck and happiness always.
Sorry to say this, but this has red flags written all over !!!

An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. It's not something you can play with or think you can ';control';.

A person who likes alcohol -but is convinced that it harms them- will go to AA meetings and stay away from liquor and parties because they KNOW that the alcohol is stronger than them.

These people are the only ones that can succeed in life even though they have this problem; because they WANT to stop drinking and hurting others around them. It takes a lot of courage and determination to do this, and not everyone has this kind of strength or will.

Unless your fiance admits he has a drinking problem, and DECIDES to look for help, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from drinking and doing dumb/dangerous things.

He HAS to WANT to get help if he wants to get better.

As for you, I'd say take a step back and try to see the whole picture. You may think he's the guy for you now, but do you think you will be able to love him and be there for him when he's hurt you and him along the way? Is he the kind of man you want as your kids' father and role model?

Please try to be honest and if you cannot see yourself bailing him out all the time and being a mortified victim, then leave him.

Chances are he will not change, and you will be very sorry in the future when you see you wasted your time with him. Good luck.
He ';kind of'; wants to quit.... so he wont. IF and WHEN he finally has had enough of himself, then go WITH him to the AA meetings and make SURE he checks in with his sponsor.

Whatever you do, do NOT marry him until he has been totally dry for AT LEAST a year. It would be WAY to easy for him to fall heavily in to the drinking once he knows you cant just walk out on him. Trying to live with an alcoholic is pure hell - I would not even send my worst enemy there.
Just be by his side and give him hope!

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