My husband of 6 years has a drinking problem and I cannot seem to get a handle on which direction I should go. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3, he is a good dad when he isnt drunk and he is very much in love with me. He says he is willing to change - and he is drinking less than he was before, but it is 6 years later and he is STILL drinking enough for it to be a problem.
How much?
3 years ago - it was like a 1.75 bottle of Captian Morgan a week or weekend. From about 10 am to 10 pm until it was gone he would get drunk and be worth nothing the next day. He would get so drunk he would fall asleep on the bathroom floor, wake up, puke on the floor and fall back asleep. He would pee the bed.
Now - He drank a small bottle of Jager this last weekend, by himself Fri. then was too hung over to do anything all day, so I went about my own business. Then Sun we had dinner at my dads, he drank 2 beers there, stopped at the liq store and drank a 6 pack at home and drank a few more six packs throughout the week. Every night or at least every other night he drinks 3 or 4 beers and binge drinks on the weekend, then grouches that I dont include him in our family activities and that he never gets things done he wants to do! Hmmm.... maybe bc u are drunk or hungover... just a thought...
My question is, when is enough enough, do they change slowly or just find a level you can deal with!? What should I do as I feel I am not getting the kind of support from a husband I need, and not the support my two kids need as a father either??
Should I require he gets couseling, move out for a while? Let him keep working on it alone since he has made progress?? What should I do??How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?
He is NOT going to get any better until he completely stops period. He can ';cut back'; here %26amp; there, switch drinks etc. etc., but until HE'S READY %26amp; willing to completely give it up for good, it's only going to get worse. Yes, get worse! YES, he does love you, but his FIRST LOVE is alcohol. I'm a recovering alcoholic of 19+ yrs., have been married to a couple alcoholics, %26amp; am living w/one at the moment %26amp; have for 20 yrs. Had I NOT been drinking when I met him, I would NOT be w/him today. I went to AA %26amp; Alanon 28ish yrs.ago, did put some yrs. together back then, but this time I've been able to apply all I learned thru BOTH programs to get me to where I am now. I've sad so often, AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity! Alcoholism is a cunning progressive disease. It hurts so many people, families, marriages, %26amp; yes it kills. Hopefully not taking anyone else along w/them. Alcoholics are loaded w/guilt, especially when we KNOW we are hurting the ones we love the most. My adult daughter was the one who got to me, I could no longer take the guilt of hurting my kids, Grand kids, myself, %26amp; KNEW I had to quit. I used ALL the ';tools'; I learned in AA to finally take my last drink. My anniversary of my drinking means MORE to me than my B.D., my daughter sends me a card every yr. %26amp; a small ';token'; gift that means something to both of us. Something/someone has to do something to get thru to your husband. I would highly suggest you go to a few Alanon mtgs. They are SUPER people who w/do anything/everything to help YOU. Call the 800# for alcohol, %26amp; find the next closest mtg. to you. Just go %26amp; listen. IF you want to speak %26amp; ask questions but not in front of everyone, someone would be more than glad to help you. But do go to a few at least. Let them help you w/the questions you have, they will. He needs a 28 day program to get him started %26amp; to find out WHY he drinks. Every alcoholic has an ';underlying cause';, %26amp; it's also hereditary, especially on the male side of the family. My adult kids are so glad to have their mother back. I am here for them in every way they need me, I feel so much better, have chged. so much. At the age we start drinking, that's the age we stop growing. So if he started say when he was 18,he has the mentality of an 18 yr. old. He needs to go to an AA mtg. for starters. Then on to a program to learn about himself %26amp; how to STAY sober. Just maybe IF he tho't he was going to loose you %26amp; his children, that would ';wake him up';. But, you think about it first, know what you're going to do, IF you leave where are you going etc. etc. You get your mind straightened out first, %26amp; don't make ';idle threats';. Say what you mean, mean what you say. So be well prepared, that's why I suggested Alanon because they CAN help you, I PROMISE you that! You CAN DO IT, DO IT...I DO wish you the very best...:)How to deal with ';functional alcoholic'; husband?
Seek out support through Al non..a support group for families of alcoholics..professional counseling to cope and deal with the alcoholic along with self care.
1) Counseling.
2) If that doesn't work, leave.
He has to change for himself, not for you.
IF he doesnt take counsling then you need to move on with your life, because this can only get worse...and trust me, my husband was on his way to leading a alocholic life, but i threatend to leave him,and he hasnt drank since....i told him i dont want to marry an alcoholic cuz my father was one, and it ruined my family, and i dont want the same thing to happen to me...
he has to understand what this is doing to your family, and if he wants to be wtih you, u should tell him he has to QUIT%26gt; :))
maybe u should allow him to smoke pot insted, since its less harmful
Until he suffers a DUI or has some other type of run in with the law, his job or suffers a health problem or accident I wouldn't expect you can do much if anything. You can try al-anon since he won't get the help he needs but by the sounds of it until he bottoms out and you lose something you've worked for during the marriage he won't help himself or you. Consider moving out since it may give him a wake up call of sorts but realize he probably won't change until law enforcement makes him change somehow.
He's not a functional alcoholic. He needs counseling, and so do you and probably the kids depending on their ages.
He's got to stop drinking, because eventually it will kill him. Either his liver will fail, or he'll get hurt in an accident.
He's missing out on his life, and seeing his children grow up. Tell him that.
But remember, he has to want to change in order to. And you cant do it for him, but you can be there beside him as he goes through it.
You both need to get help. You might spend years hoping that the problem will improve on it's own. In the mean time your kids are growing up fast and time is ticking away. They are going to soon know things are wrong w/ their dad, if they don't already. Just do what you know is best for them and you will do what is right.
He doesn't drink a lot at all- he wasn't even drinking like an alcoholic when you said he ws drinking a lot. you need to realize you got a good man and stop b*tching!
It's been 6 years if he hasn't changed yet he isn't going to change on his own. He needs to get some help and you need to stop enabling him. I'm sorry I just don't see any progress he is still drinking every night and binge drinking on the weekends this is not progress.
You should join an alanon program and he needs to either join AA or get into a rehab.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.h
If you don't insist that either he gets help or gets out then this will go on like this forever....are you willing to live like this forever???
I was married to an alcoholic for 11 yrs they don't change unless they want to I took my two children and finally moved on enough is enough when the alchol comes before the family, he has to want the help. till this day my ex husband is still a lousy drunk I thank God I left when I did I wish I would have left sooner of course. they get worse before they get better
hes not going to change unless he is truely ready to. You cant force him bc it wont work
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