What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault & DWI?

*****Please don't read this if you will be judgemental, I am looking for solid, intelligent advice, perhaps from people who have dealt with violent alcoholics before. ******





Here's what happened: My boyfriend that lives with me got extremely drunk Friday night and beat me very violently while I was driving my car with my 8 month old daughter (not his) in the backseat, and then drove his car away when I got him back to his car. I called the cops because I was scared of him coming back and being more violent, and when they found him he obviously also got arrested for DWI, and also has a charge for endangering the welfare of a minor because my daughter was in the backseat when he was hitting me and that could have caused an accident, and pending charges for a hit and run because his car was damaged, if they can figure out what he hit.





When the police completed the reports they asked me if i wanted a stay away temporary order of protection, and when they asked me this and had me sign the paperwork, I was scared and it seemed like a good idea at the time due to my fear. The order of protection says that if he has any contact with me (phone, email, in person, or even through a third party) he will be charged with a violation of the order, but he still called me from jail, and I accepted the calls because his father told me he really needed to talk to me to apologize.





When I talked to him, he told me that he was blacked out when this happened, he has absolutely no memory of the events of that night, he feels absolutely terrible about it and cannot believe he did it. I believe it 100 percent that he didnt intentionally do these things. He has NEVER hit me before and he is not like this all when he is sober, but I also know that the bottom line is that he still did it, and does deserve to face the consequences. He is facing at least a year for the DWI and then another 8 months if I pursue the charges for the assault.





He was sober for 6 years from 2002 to 2008, so he has proven in the past that he can avoid alcohol, but last year he made the mistake of thinking he could handle drinks again, and it has been downhill from there for him since. I met him 6 months ago, and at first I would drink with him, but about 3 months ago I stopped drinking and he also cut back but, well obviously he is a person who should never ever drink. He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.





He says he is going to seek all of the help he can get and that he doesnt want to lose me. I know that I definitely plan to use the time while he is in jail to work on improving myself and getting therapy to learn how to have healthy relationships (I have a tendency to ';need'; men to boost my self esteem and I also am an ';enabler';). I do not even know right now if I will stay with him after this, but I don't want to make that decision right now because I need to see how he does on a long term basis, and give myself time to heal as well. I also know that after he does get out of jail, that is the crucial time to see if he really means what he says, but i figure since I am going to be single anyways for a long time, in order to work on improving me, then if we are meant to be together, we will and it will be a healthy relationship, or not at all.





So, with all that in mind, and the fact that I love him very very much, at this point I think I want to have the order of protection removed, because I want to be able to write to him and possibly visit him in jail so he knows that I support him getting help for his alcoholism, and also so that he will know that I am not concerned with finding another man.





The problem is, my daughter's biological father is currently pursuing a custody case against me to avoid paying child support, and I am worried that if the court finds out that I requested to remove the order of protection from the man that endangered my daughter's welfare, they may view that as me not making the right choices for her, but the thing is, my boyfriend is in jail anyways so obviously that keeps us physically safe for now, and the only thing the order of protection does is increase the penalties for him if he is in contact with me... If I dont have it removed, then the only way I could keep in contact with him is through my boyfriend's father who will go and visit him and talk to him on the phone to tell him how I am doing and vice versa on how he is doing.





.....I want to make the right choices for me, my daughter, and the man that I love, so what level of contact should I have with him?What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault %26amp; DWI?
Your #1 concern should be your daughter right now. If it jeopardizes custody in any way, do not remove the order of protection.





You do not need to be around this man when he gets out anyway. He needs to get himself clean and sober for a decent amount of time before you even start thinking about seeing him again, if ever.





You need to get some real counseling, there's usually free counseling on woman's issues like this. Try your local YWCA and/or United Way.What level of contact should I have with an alcoholic boyfriend if he is going to jail for assault %26amp; DWI?
How many dwi`s did he have in the past and has he ever been violent towards any of his other exs?
ZERO contact is what you should have with him. You cannot possibly become who you want to become under this type of stress...nor can he get past his addictions/demons without completely exposing himself to the consequences brought on by them. The worst 'crime' he committed that night was endangering the life of an 8-month-old baby girl...if you remove that protection order, you are doing your daughter a great injustice...





With all the problems and chaos in your life right now, I absolutely CANNOT fathom how the first and foremost thing on your mind right now is how YOU feel about this guy, regardless of what he's done. He's an alcoholic, he beat you, and endangered your baby's life...this guy should be nothing more than a distant memory to you! Yes...you ARE an enabler...but you say that as if it were a badge of honor rather than a source of embarrassment...which it is. Grow up and quit hiding behind the delusion that you want to make the right choices for you and your daughter because you know as well as I do, that isn't what's happening here.





And just for the record...this isn't a judgement...merely an observation.





EDIT: Since you have a place for them, keep the dog and his stuff. When he gets out...have an impartial party come and get everything and take it to him.





What part of 'no' don't you understand? You don't need to contact him 'one last time' to tell him you're keeping the protection order...he'll figure that out on his own.
No contact at all. Don't you realize your daughter could have been killed? In my state once they answer the call the state picks it up. You can't drop anything and they subpoena you as a witness for the state. You need to worry that your daughters father doesn't find out she was in the back seat of that car.


You've only known this guy for 6 months and all you know is what he tells you and what his father says. So that can't prove to you he was 6 years sober. You do need to be afraid when he's around. Very afraid. As they say .. ain't that much love in the world.
';He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.';





I am quoting you here... it's hearsay, but beside that, it's a statement your boyfriend was to have said.





I am also going to tell you i am a recovering alcoholic.





I know this isn't answering your question, but i do want to touch on this just for a minute. if you have had repeated relationships with people who have alcohol, drug abuse or problems with being violent, then you would be very smart to seek counseling. It might give you some insight as to why you choose these people. I'd also suggest some Alanon meetings. In case you do not know what Alanon is, it's a support group for those of use whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking.





You would be doing yourself worlds of favors if your focus was on you and your child right now. Period.





On to the question -- you really need to enforce and utilize this order of protection. At least until you get your own life together. I do realize you care for this person, but do you really love him, or is he a crutch? Please figure this out -- you said something to the effect that you have to have a man in your life... this can be an unsafe practice, because it could lead to becoming attached to men who are no good for your daughter, let alone you.





your daughter deserves a good life with clear thinking parent(s).





that's my answer.
Well Listen and listen good! If a man hits U once he will do it again, believe me. I know from experience because the woman I'm with now her x did her the same way and she she still suffering to this very day some14 yrs later.


Walk away and don't turn back, next time he might kill U and OOPs an accident'; NOT HIS FAULT.'; Think of your daughter and the rest of your life.


Your kids dad will get custody if he gets wind of it if he has a good job and home.
Okay straight, respectful but no chaser....





You can't afford to have contact with him. Aside from the obvious-physically harming you, he causes you to 'fall off a bandwagon' too--he enables you to act on your enabling ways. This is detrimental to you and your child b/c your actions will directly mold hers.





My advice is to do the seemingly heartless and impossible. Please be done with him. Remove all traces of his existence from your life (if you can move w/o fowarding address so he doesn't find you again), seek counseling and work as diligently as you can towards realizing your own self-worth and enabling yourself to reach your own goals.





I do not mean to alarm you but you are jeopardizing your life, your child's and as you mentioned your relationship with your child should the court be made aware of the removal. Your baby is 8 months old-- you don't need to drink, perhaps breast feeding would've detered you, but nevertheless I am glad to hear you stopped.





You CAN do this. You MUST.
Believe me, I am not judgemental.


But here's the thing: he beat you once - it happened once and you have nothing that proves you it won't happen again once he gets out.





I know you love him but you have to think perfectly straight here because your daughter's life is at stake - she needs you the most. It depends on you if she will be raised by you or by her father.





You shouldn't remove the protection order until the custody problem is solved.


I understand you can't write to him unless the protection order is removed but you can make a friend send your letter in his name and explain to him that you can't remove the protection order because of the custody and can't visit for a while.


Don't risk losing your child over this.


Best of luck!








No, it's not alright to see him because when you go to the trial for custody, the judge won't care why you kept in touch with him or if you did it just once. Write him if you want to.