Sunday, November 21, 2010

Dealing with an alcoholic...?

My fiance is an alcoholic. He was attending AA for a while and insisted that he's not drinking hard liquor anymore. But I'm catching him in little lies about it and finding whiskey bottles hidden in different places around the house. We are expecting a baby in May and he wants to get married as soon as possible but I've decided against this. I don't want to call off the engagement (I'd rather work things out the best I can for our child's sake), but I am going to lay down some guidelines. If he really wants to marry me, I believe if he will do everything he can to make it work.



1. He must be attending AA meetings every week.

2. He absolutely cannot drink ANY alcohol (including beer and wine).

3. He must continue this for at least a year before I will consider marriage.

4. I want at least 6 months of premarital counseling before saying ';I do';.



The only problem I have is, how will I know if he's truly being faithful in his endeavor? I'll know if he's attending the meetings, but what if he's sneaking drinks? I can't always tell when he's been drinking. And how should I go about telling him this? I know he's going to be upset. He's a great man in every other way but I'm not going to settle for less! I do really love him but I believe marriage is for life and I'm trying to be very careful about my decision. Please provide your input.Dealing with an alcoholic...?
In my opinion, the most important thing you need to keep in mind is that alcoholism is a disease. I understand that you are hurt that you have caught him in little lies and sneaking drinks but, as you know, it isn't him - it's the disease.



I think the best thing you can do to help him overcome this disease is to be there for him and, most importantly, be supportive and understanding. To try your best not to judge him or look down upon him. Not to force him into getting help but to be with him through every step of recovery. Force only causes resistance. I do not think that giving ultimatums is contrsuctive or helpful in the situation.



I understand your decision not to marry him because of this situation and think it is a smart one. However, if the only reason you want to work on your relationship is for the child's sake, you may want to reconsider. Does he exhibit any behavior when drinking that is harmful to you or could be harmful to your child? Do you want someone who is intoxicated taking care of your child? I am not saying he is a bad person or that he should not be around children, I am merely stating that if he is intoxicated, his judgment is impaired and could be detrimental.



Best of luck. With as much thought and consideration you are giving this, I'm sure you will do whatever is best for your family. Please do remember to be understanding and supportive. That is the best advice I can provide.Dealing with an alcoholic...?
So he's willing to put alcohol over you.



No amount of ultimatums will ';cure'; his problem. Until HE is the one who WANTS to change, he will not.



While Dr. Phil may be an idiot, he does have one good tag line -- the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.



Until you come in first over alcohol, you should not marry this man.



-----



Added Later:



I would avoid Alcoholics Anonymous, btw. It has as a primary concept that the alcoholic is irredeemably damaged and permanently ill -- it convinces the person that control has been completely and forever lost, and that one drink will be all it takes to send them back into the pit. AA essentially teaches that alcoholics are weak-willed who can never fully regain their will (the reliance on an outside intervention, even if just 'Good Orderly Direction') and that alcohol has permanent control over them.



The most successful programs focus on helping the person detox from the chemical effects and then re-establishing the person's control, breaking the control that the alcohol has come to represent by building healthy self-esteem, responsible consumption, and the person's strength of will.
Never enable him in any way when it comes to consequences for his actions. Enablers keep people shackled to their addictions.



If I were you I'd cut my losses right now and run like hell.
I think you are very wise to make those rules.



If I were in your situation, I would talk to an Al Anon counselor and ask their advice about it.



My brother was a counselor for Narcotics Anonymous and he said the success rate is very low, but if someone is truly motivated and has the backup support of his friends and family, it can be done.



You should also not keep any alcohol in the house and not be around people who drink if at all possible. Help him avoid temptation and help him by encouraging his successes.
if this is the case, you don't want him, you want something else.....you want him to become what you want......you refuse to accept him for him



a person might simply like to drink, and if gotten constant negativity for it, yes, the person will hide it



when he is drunk, is he violent? does he hit you? does he spend too much money leaving you in debt? are is it just that he drinks alot and you don't like it?



if you don't like him for him, leave him, or shut up and let him live his life.....just because you don't like drinking, that does NOT mean that him drinking is a bad thing



if he is a violent drunk, there is a problem

if he drinks you into debt, there is a problem



if neither of these things, leave him be
An alcoholic is not going to stop drinking because you laid down rules. He will stop because he wants to. We can't make men change not matter how much we want to think we can.

I would take Gandalf's Ghost advice take my baby and run like hell.
Setting a zero tolerance policy for alcohol with no tolerance/forgiveness for slips may not be realistic in many cases.

People do not always succeed on the first try in many endeavors and you are asking the man to defeat a deadly disease.

The goal is zero alcohol but it may take several tries to get there.

It takes an incredible effort on the part of the alcoholic.

And it usually requires help.
The first thing I would do is find yourself a spouse/family support group for alcoholics and/or addicts. You will be able to tap into resources there, and get advice from other people who have relationships with addicts. It is your choice to remain in the relationship, and it is his choice whether he stays in recover or not, in the end, but attending such meetings yourself will help to gain perspective on his (and possibly your own) patterns of behavior which contribute to the addiction.



Good luck.
AA meetings every week won't do it. AA suggests 90 meetings in 90 days. Alcoholism can never be cured but people can live the rest of their lives without alcohol. I see it all the time.

The only trick is to give yourself to the program absolutely. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, call someone in the fellowship if you have a craving. DO THE STEPS In the order that they were written.

AA has saved millions of lives. And it ranges from the poor ';bum'; on the street to company executives and to every phase of society.

If he has you and the baby as motivation he has a chance but he must never let his guard down.And you can join Al anon that are a group of people who live with alcoholics. You can share your concerns for the one you love and is going to be the father of your baby. They will understand because they've been through it too.

Also, about him and AA if he thinks he's got a unique problem that AA can't possibly solve he must remember that we all thought that too.Just get him to commit to the meetings. He will originally do it for you and the baby but he'll end up doing it for himself. And that, believe it or not is where you want him.

God bless and help you through this.
Breaking the Chains of

Alcohol Abuse



“My father was an alcoholic, and I followed in his footsteps. At 12 years of age, I was already drinking. By the time I married, I was getting drunk every day. I became violent; often the police came to my family’s aid. My health deteriorated. Alcohol caused a gastric hemorrhage, which I barely survived. I then developed cirrhosis and anemia. I joined self-help groups in an attempt to quit, but to no avail. I felt as if I were caught in a spiderweb and could not break free.”—VĂ­CTOR,* ARGENTINA.







http://www.watchtower.org/e/20051008/art…



Jehovahs Witnesses offer Free Bible studies...It helped me.

No comments:

Post a Comment