How do I deal with my alcoholic father?

Let me briefly explain the situation.

My father has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. After a messy divorce from my mother, my father got his act together and sobered up for about 5 years. He was an active Alcoholics Anonymous member, and when he first started on his path to sobriety, went to a rehabilitation center for an extensive time period. Around two years ago, my father broke his sobriety and went on a painful drinking binge that last for weeks after the death of his AA sponsor. Instantly, his work, and family urged him into detox and he went back to the treatment center. However, around six months later, he began drinking again in private, unknown sprees on the weekends. I should explain that I do not live my father, so it makes it difficult for me to monitor his drinking. My brother has lived with my father since shortly after the divorce, however he normally does not tell us when our Dad has been drinking, quietly keeping to himself. Most recently, my father had a drinking stint last August, followed by one in October, then on Christmas. For literally a month, my father did nothing but drink. In February, my father renewed his commitment to “sobriety”, however that last only another month, and by mid-March he was drinking again. After that, his work put him on permanent “sick-leave”. His drinking was so severe that he was hospitalized then put into the mental intuition, where upon sobering, he vehemently protested that he did not belong in there. He was released and given a four month grace period where afterwards, at the end of the time period, his work wanted him to go back to a rehab center. The four month grace period is now up and my father is not going to rehab. He is drinking and has been drinking the whole time period in which his employer intended for him to get better. For the past two weeks, my father has been drunk. He sobers for perhaps a day, pays his bills, checks his mail, then goes back to getting drunk. When my father first began drinking again over two years ago, I was in tears. Now however, I am so numb to the fact that I can’t even bring myself to care. I sometimes think he would be better off dead, because at least then he wouldn’t be slowly killing himself with alcohol. My father has been drunk recently more than he has been sober, and I can’t remember the last time I actually talked to him. Sometimes I visit my brother (who is of legal age and old enough to look after himself), but it’s getting harder and harder to go over there. I don’t want to see my father like that. I feel as though I should be doing something, but there’s no point talking to a drunk-man. A family friend among other people (such as his current AA sponser, and his work) has been trying her hardest to help him, but after numerous attempts to have him re-hospitalized and taking his wallet and car keys (to prevent him from buying more alcohol, and driving drunk), he has threatened to call the police on her for theft of property. I think my father really does belong in a mental institution, because there’s no way a sane person would do this to themselves. I really want to have him locked away for an indescribable amount of time, because at least that way he wouldn’t be drinking. What do I do? He’s old enough to be making “decisions” for himself, but when all his decisions lead to his own personal destruction, I feel helpless...

I don’t want my father dead, but if he continues on drinking like this, I know he’s a dead man. Please, give me your advice. Nothing has seemed to work. We’ve hospitalized him, had him arrested for self-harm, and have been both supportive of him and isolative. None of these ideas work...what can I do? How can I save his life even though he clearly doesn’t want to be saved?

Desperate and jaded,

EllaHow do I deal with my alcoholic father?
Ella,

You are absolutely not alone. When the people we love hurt us by hurting themselves, it's a very helpless feeling when all you want to do is help.



From your information, I gather that you are a teenager? If so, please look up some Ala-Teen groups in your area (google them). If they do not exist, look up Ala-non.



Ala-non is the group started by the wife of one of the co-founders of AA. The group is a support group for family and loved ones of alcoholics. There you will find a way to work through the helplessness and discover the best way to help, to understand what his disease is and why he is acting the way he is, and also to get on with your life, whether or not your dad gets sober. Ala-teen is a the same, but specifically catored to the teen children of alcoholics.



Here is a link:



http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/



I know it may seem weird that you have to go somewhere when he has the problem, but I promise it can help you immensely.How do I deal with my alcoholic father?
Buy him another beer!!!
I grew up in AA, going with my dad, and VERY mad at him my whole childhood for being an alcoholic/addict.... Then when I got old enough I went and became an alcoholic/addict too....

You can NEVER cure an addict. He will always be an alcoholic/addict even if he doesn't drink for 50 years. He can change his behaviors and way of thinking, but he really is still an addict on the inside and that addict on the inside is always there, ugly as the devil and waiting for just the right opportunity to make us ';fall off the wagon';.... The addict inside is ultimately there to kill us..... We put down the drink or drugs and you think that the addict inside of us crawls out and leaves?.... He's still there.... We're just not feeding it's addiction..... and HE'S STAYS HUNGRY....

Believe it or not, we dislike ourselves most of the time a lot more than you ';sober'; people dislike us. We hate our addiction, yet we hurt everyone we love because of our addiction.... We start getting straight and doing right just to fall so far back down..... Nothing an addict does until he really gets sober is going to make sense... Don't try to make sense of it, because there's no trick or secret to it: There's no sense to be made. What I'm fixing to say may not make sense to you right now, but write it down and in 10 - 20 years see if you are able to understand. It's not that he doesn't love you or his family, it's because he's an addict. It's not that he doesn't know or even care about the importance of it, it's because he's an addict. A lot of things can only be explained that way. You see that and are still searching for answers, but that is THE ANSWER and only you can make yourself come to see that. You may never understand, cause my mom still doesn't. I didn't understand it myself....

Also, the road to recovery can last just about as long as the addiction, if not longer..... It's possible for someone to spend 10 yrs drinking and spend 60 years stopping. There's no quick fixes. No promises. My dad's been sober 14 years, but all he can tell me is that he won't have a drink today... He won't promise me about tomorrow tho.... That's just the way it is! It took my dad a good 10-13 years before he finally stopped and his last time was the last time... The great thing about those 10-13 yrs is that it was when HE was trying to stop... The many years before it was my mom trying to make him stop.

I know it's hard to understand, but it may not be something you have to understand... Just know that in the ';addicts'; world there is no sense... You can understand that!
I haven't drank for 26 yrs. I spent the first 12 yrs in AA. I was unable to stop many people from dying including someone I regarded as a best friend.



When I was drinking someone took my car keys from me and later I was grateful. We all react differently and even the same person can react differently on different days.



I think it is possible to have some tiny bits of influence at some times over drinkers and taking their car keys or hospitalising them against their will is ok if it is to physically save a life at that moment. But realistically, no-one can have sufficient influence over a drinkers thinking to make his or her mind up for him. So with the exception of emergency actions, there is often little to be done and people can and do drink themselves unecessarily to death.



Again, with the exception of emergency care, in my view, instead of railing against the idea that a person must not die in such a stupid and pointless way, it is better to accept that these things can and do happen and that none of us are exempt from things happening that we really would prefer did not happen,



My own Mother and I fell out while I was sober and the Police knocked on my door one day to tell me she had suddenly died, before we made up. We all have crap to deal with. I would say accept it, don't fight it. love your dad even if he makes a pigs ear of his life, because he is just an imperfect, fallible human being.
First of all you are delusional if you think that anyone can monitor his drinking. He is a grown man and can do as he pleases even if what pleases him is destroying his life, relationships and body.



At this point all you can do is pray. The rest is up to him. You all have done all you can. Pray, work on your faith and your life and letting go. You are not responsible and he probably will kill himself and you have to find peace in your life despite that.



Sorry.