Friday, November 19, 2010

How is the best way to deal with an alcoholic?

After putting up with my alcoholic husband for the last 5 years I have decided to give him an ultimatum. Its me or the booze. I have to get myself sorted out first with money and a lawyer and other accommodation for me and 3 kids etc so this could take a few months before I actually tell him what is happening. My question is should I let him know what my intentions are now so he has time to sort himself out? Does he actually deserve this courtesy or will it just give him time to drag me down for another couple of months? I want him to know I am serious when I give him the ultimatum so I need to be ready to leave but on the other hand I have already been through a messy divorce and if this is the road we take then I want it to be painless as possible.

One other question...if we separate can I get full custody of the children and only allow him daytime visits with no over nights? I would die to think that he could be alone with the kids if he keeps on drinking.How is the best way to deal with an alcoholic?
If he is not abusive and a danger to you and the children then tell him the truth and that you are serious; that gives him a chance if he whats his wife and family; to clean up his act and seek help for his addiction.

If it comes down to you moving out and taking the children I would think under the circumstances you could ask for daytime visits only.Custody might be joint especially if he is paying support.You could ask for special conditions because of his alcoholism.How is the best way to deal with an alcoholic?
I have to admit that I am very happy that finally after 5 years, you've made the right choice. There's not so much for alcoholic. And you are doing it the right way.

I suggest you to move out, live with your parents or a close friend. After that tell him about your decision. Because if he knows it before ur moving out, he is not going to make things easy for you.

Its good if you think you can give him the chance, everybody deserve the chance. If you move out now, he will know that y ou are dead serious about this. Dont keep staying with this guy just because you've been through a divorce and u dont want another one.

If he is an alcoholic , I believe you can have a full custody of your children.

Good luck with what ur doing.
He deserves the courtesy of you telling him your plans, yes ... but I wouldn't do it more than a day in advance. If you give him X number of days, it'll be like a time bomb about to go off and he'll just drink like a fish the day of, thinking he can't do it anymore starting tomorrow. One day only, hon.

The thing about alcohol is that, when someone is drunk, they have a warped, twisted, skewed, unrealistic idea of how things are at the time, and they really don't think ';it's that bad'; ... which is why it's so hard for them to grasp how disgusting it is to deal with.

Do you have a video camera ? Over the course of the next few days, why don't you record him at his worst, and play it back when he's sober. Show him that THIS is what you are divorcing. THAT MAN in the video is who you no longer find lovable, sexy or fun. That man is the one who isn't fit to live in the same home and raise his kids anymore.

Show him the tape at a time when the kids aren't there - maybe do this on a Friday evening. Have the kids at grandma's or with a friend overnight, and show him the tape. Lay it all down, and tell him that your bags are packed ... and that it's HIS CHOICE. One thing I would do, is have the bags IN THE CAR already in case he goes off on you. That way all you'll have to do is walk out the door, into the car and be gone.

See ... this isn't an ultimatum, ok? HE is making the stupid icky choice to drink, so because of HIS CHOICE, you are now making some choices of your own. He can either get some help and get sober, or he can be alone.

IT'S HIS CHOICE !! You must make him see that, otherwise he will blame you and never clean up. He has to take responsibility for this.

*big hug*

As for custody, if you have him on tape, that should be added to your arsenal of ammo that you can use to demonstrate the need for supervised visits and no overnights. I can tell you this: It's gonna get messy, and painful again, hon. The person who said to clean out the bank account is wrong - just take the half you're entitled to, and don't do anything that can come back to bite you later, ok? Be smart !

Best of luck, and stick to your guns.
Tell him counseling or divorce... Period.
You cannot save an alcoholic. You cannot control an alcoholic. You cannot manipulate an alcoholic into stopping drinking. I'm sorry for you that you love this person, but your love cannot make him quit drinking. Realize that you have no control. Try an al-anon meeting (for the spouses of alcoholics).

I would go ahead and plan my life without him. You have already lost him to the alcohol. I would tell him after you and the kids have moved. I would use his alcoholism in court as proof of being unfit for visitation, whether overnight or daytime or what. He could try to DRIVE with them in the car and kill them. Push for supervised visitation, and let the court provide or suggest the person to do the supervision, and the place of supervision. I might consider longer visits when the kids are into their teens, provided they agree. Realize first, though, that as he is powerless re: drinking, you are powerless to change him.
If you are serious and it dose sound like you are tell him the ultimatum and stick with it.

when you do separate and get custody the courts will not allow overnight visits whilst his drinking is a problem and perhaps supervised visits during the day they usually do blood tests. Good luck
Dealing with an alcoholic is a very hard and troubled matter. You have to meet with him when he is sober and thinking straight. The cripple of Alcohol depend dismiss a failure of him to confront his own evils and

life in you and your kids will help him. You must support him and he should help you and the kids for a good life.
I feel bad for you...there is nothing worse then a spouse with an addiction..its nothing but heartache and constant problems. I lived in a household with alcoholic parents ruined my life..I don't drink and neither does my husband but I have lived most of my life feeling insecure and had problems with trust in relationships before I was married to my husband. Its good to take your children out of this kind of situation..its never easy to divorce but obviously he is giving you no options or site of recovery. I wouldn't give him the courtesy of knowing you are leaving him until you are ready to go..then I would so you could leave without feeling stuck. Sometimes in life you have to think of yourself and your children first. I would also talk to a lawyer and ask them. They have free services where they will advice you on this . If your husband is a danger to your children then you have to make sure that is well known and that he can't watch them if he is going to be intoxicated. Try to get everything in order and then present it to him. Hopefully it all works out for you and your children. Sorry and good luck !
there is no way to deal rationally with an alcoholic. they will lie, cheat, steal, promise you this or that and they are going to quit but, in the end the best thing to do is either join them or just get the hell away from them. i wouldn't enable them or put up with their crap for very long at all.
I have no idea about the answer for your other question regarding custody. Unless if you can prove the husband to be unfit and an alcoholic. No judge wants a parent who drinks like he does having custody when they are apt to drink and drive with the kids in the car. Be prepared to do your homework and gather as much evidence as possible.

Now about your first question if you should inform your husband of your intentions. This info could make him become violent and do something crazy like run away with the kids and stuff like that. That is a fact. I suggest that you get your ducks in a row, prepare your self financially, and make plans on moving into your own place and taking the kids etc. Why give him an ultimatum? He will not stop drinking. That is not how an alcoholic works. They promise you this and that and even promise you the world if you just give them one more chance. Telling him will only make matters worse. You need to catch him with his pants down so to speak. When you have moved out and gone, then you can and should let him know that you left and there is no coming back and no working it out. I am sorry but I was an alcoholic and I tried all the little tricks. One thing differs from me and the rest of the drunks out there. I love and trust in The Lord and He delivered me from drinking and from any cravings or desires for alcohol. It was a miracle from God. I drank bad for over 25 years. And prayed for years for deliverance from the bottle. It happened and I have not drank since nor have I had the desire. This just don't happen to everybody. It took years of praying before my prayer was answered. So take it from an alcoholic, it will not work giving him an ultimatum. He will con you into staying. He may stay sober for a weekend maybe a month. But he will go back to the bottle with vengeance. Look out for yourself and your kids and move out after your preparation is complete. You will be much happier without having a drunk decorate your house.
There is no problem in giving him an ultimatum If legally you get separated then you are entitled not only to the expenses you required as daily needs (if you are a housewife) but you shall get the custody of children too as nobody shall give such a person custody of kids who can't give then a bright future.

I shall like to suggest you to involve any influential person or elder of your family to sort this problem without taking any extreme step. As it is going to ruin all of you. But after all the attempts no success is able to get then divorce is better than to live with him.
He has a disease.

He has to bottom out before he can recover. Helping him lets him continue to have a problem. To get his life back you have to use tough love. You litterally have to crash land him on solid ground so he start again on Terra firma.

Don't divorce him yet.

Leave him firmly and tell him to stay away. Once he's cleaned up and has requisite proof of it like a steady job, AA credits, etc and one year has passed, then take him back on a trial basis for a year.. with clear behaviour standards . If he gets thru that and you both want to be together then the relationship should have a solid chance to succeed. I know of many alchies who turned it around and had happy, healthy, productive lives, but only after they bottomed out.

Good Luck
Both of my parents are alcoholics.

Your kids will be soo lucky for whatever you are about to do.
Like you said...give him the and a family, or his bottle. Then tell him your plans if he won't help himself...then plan ahead. You may be lucky and he'll see the light! Chances are that won't happen in that time span tho. He has to be ready to take those steps to recovery himself. Only you can decide how this plays out as you know the man...we do not.

As far as visitation, talk to a lawyer. I'm sure any judge would sympathize with your not being comfortable with overnight visits with their dad...the alcoholic. I think the law would be on your side. Hope this helps...
Have lots of witnesses about his alcohols.

You leave for a woman's shelter taking the kids....take valuables and clean out Bank account, jewelry, some clothes.... They keep your where about anonymous. Say he punches you when drunk and you want a criminal order of Protection for you and the kids...and full custody, and child sprout and maintenance fro km him and no visitation allowed for HIM.

Inst on this last part. If he want visitation, insist because he can be violent, he must have court ordered supervised visitation for no more than three hours once a month and the meeting place would be inside a police precinct With no more an than a mile circumference travel from there by foot or bus..

He will never get any custody. YOu pr4ewes on hard and say other abuses he's done. Do not ultimatum him. Alcoholism is a teases! He catechizes to stay dick rater thank heal it,. and you cannot do anything toi change it, only he can.

He can NEVER have a ship and even another SIP.
Do not give him notice.It won't benefit him, because he will continue to drink. It will only give him an opportunity to further wreck your life. You sound British, and I don't know the laws there. In the States, you would have to prove him unfit to control visitation. Won't he be drunk during the daytime, too? Do whatever you must to keep the kids safe. The alcoholic I lived with was abusive, too. I left while he was at work.

EDIT: Those who advise that you give him notice and a chance can't ever have lived with an alcoholic. He made a choice long ago. You are married to him, but he's married to the booze.

No comments:

Post a Comment