Friday, November 19, 2010

How to deal with an alcoholic who...?

In a nutshell; my boyfriend drinks. A lot. He doesn't like drinking but he has grown so used to it that he simply cannot stop anymore.

In a bit bigger nutshell; when my boyfriend is sober, he is a sweet and caring person, always ready to help anywhere.

When he is drunk, it becomes a completely different problem. He insults, aggrevates, is stubborn, completely unreasonable etc... to the extent that I'm even afraid to do anything apart from staying home (sometimes I even fear going to work) EVEN when he's sober, because he remembers things for when he gets drunk. When he is drunk he assumes I'm off to see another lover but I'm even afraid to talk to any man at all just because he might think I'm having a fling. In short; I don't have any friends anymore and I feel isolated. Even though my boyfriend is understanding when he's sober I still feel isolated.

Now I've dealt with many alcoholics but have never seen one like him. So how do I deal with him?How to deal with an alcoholic who...?
You may think this suggestion sounds to good to be true but I assure you its not.

Im in the middle of reading a book right now called 'The Easy Way To Stop Drinking' by Allen Carr. Now I havent had a drink in three years but since quitting I have been left with the sense that Im missing out on something and periodically contemplate the idea of going back. But since reading this authors ideas on drinking Im able to quite easily challenge those thoughts. In this book he offers a very rational and objective perspective on drinking and explains much of the desire to drink is due to cultural misbeliefs. He gets the reader to see alcohol as it really is, greatly minimizing the desire to drink. He essentially shows that by quitting drinking youre not really giving up anything of value.

It sounds like your boyfriend has a desire to quit so hopefully he would be willing to give the book a try.

Incidentally, the author has also written a similar book on how to quit smoking and after reading it I was able to quit cold turkey with minimal withdrawal symptoms, so his ideas are the real deal.How to deal with an alcoholic who...?
The advice you don't want to hear- Find another boyfriend!

If you stay with him and stay on this rollercoaster of abuse he has put you on, when you look back, you will most likely be resentful of the fact that you let someone who you aren't even married to, ruin the best years of your life.

Alcoholism is his battle, not yours.
The first thing you need to realize is that for right now, the 'alcoholic' is the real person...and the sober guy is the facade...that's the only way you can get clear of this. You need to deal with him as the guy with the problem, instead of the guy whose really great when he isn't drinking...that's what's keeping you from being impartial about it. You're the only one in this relationship whose not being allowed to be who you are...and it's obviously affecting you. Right now...he couldn't care less.

He'll never 'get better' until he has no other options...that's the reality of it.
Since all you ';really need to know is how to get out,'; I'll say that you should probably see a counselor. They can help you identify why you've taken on the role of co-dependent to his alcoholism. They may also serve (or know someone who can) as a mediator so that you can get the breakup over with and get out of the house without fearing a violent outburst.

You will need to be surrounded by supportive, understanding people after you break up with him to keep you from being tempted to go back.

Now that you are out of denial with his problem, I wish you luck on your journey to healthier relationships!
You don't need all the additions. You know the answer. ';deal with an alcholic?'; you can't. They have chosen booze over people. They own that problem and you can't do anything about it. He needs a therapist/treatment but that too is his choice. Once he starts losing everything he cares about he might quit, but, again that's his choice NOT yours. You must have him removed from the home. 911 the next time he starts screaming and threatening you, have the police remove him from your home. Find another life, sever ties immediately, do not take calls from him. This is not love it is a sick relationship that is based on need. You need to start al-anon immediately. The police will know where the meetings are. Do this before he kills you.
As a person who lived with an Alcoholic for 8 years, I have to agree with the other two posters before me. You need to find another boyfriend. No matter how great he is he won't change until he's ready to change. After my husband and I broke up 8 years ago, he's still drinking and has no contact with our almost 16 year old daughter. Drinking is the most important thing in his life and until your boyfriend decides differnent drinking will be the most important thing is his. When People have addictions it takes a lot for them to hit bottom. If you don't want to leave him than I would suggest that you join Al-non a program started by AA for the family of people dealing with alcoholism. You might also seriously think about why you have let him isolate you and why you no longer think that there's something wrong with that. It proves to me that you have become co-dependent and that's a dangerous place to be. You need to work on some of your own issues You need to think about why you think that you deserve someone who puts what you need and want so low on his scale of importance. You'll never be able to make him see the need for change that has to come from him.
Hello Aubergine,...Is this a Scorpion thing, to be martyrs to the cause, a glutton for punishment,....A Sagittarian woman wouldn't put up with that for long,She'd call him a b*stard,and walkout,And rightly so!!And not only that,She'd forget the loser!!,....Why do you let yourself be treated as s*it, by this joker?,...He knows what he is doing to himself,he is engaging in self-destructive behavoir,so are you by hanging around with him!!,...You don't need a counsellor!Just a getaway car!,...Aubergine you've got a lively sparkling mind,Why let that rot for this fellow,No other of your fellow good souls want to see that happen to you!,...Advisor to the stars,Jemmy.(Well Starfish anyway!)
Your Enabling his Addiction!!! My advice is to thy own self be true.. No 1 needs to put up with what you are unless you

choose to. It is your choice ....
He shouldn't keep trying to just give up, but get help.

Tell him, if you don't get help, either from a group, or from professionals, I am out of here and out of your life.

Then DO it.

He's abusive -- yes, that what it is. Being insanely jealous, to the point where you are completely isolated from everyone but him.

The reason he always goes back to drinking is to abuse you psychologically.

Getting out would be the best thing; but if you want to give him one more chance, tell him to get help.

If he got counseling, he may get over all the stuff that makes him horrible when drunk.

You've completely lost your own life here. You deserve to live a life, and not be in constant terror of him.

get out.
I think I know your boyfriend's twin.

He's not going to change until he really wants to, and you can't make him want that.

He can't have a healthy relationship with you right now. He needs to get help, both for the addiction and the underlying causes of it.

You just need to take care of yourself in this situation.
tell him youre not putting up with it. he has to stop drinking. you cannot carry on like this, it will make you ill.

your boyfriend needs to have some counselling.

he needs to go to a.a sessions. if this doesnt work. then you need to find somebody else who will treat you better

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