How to deal with an alcoholic parent when you don't live at home?

My mother is an alcoholic and I need her out of my life.


I am in my late 20's. Have three kids, married to a wonderful man, and i am a homemaker. My home life is great. The only stresses I endure are the normal ones that a happy married couple will go through.


But, my mother just won't go away. She's been an alcoholic since I was young. She has gotten 3 DU Is, and lost her license for good 4 years ago.


my mother is an abusive drunk. When i was younger and living at home she would pick fights with me because I didn't fold the laundry. She would get abusive and I would go to school with welts and bruises. DSS has been called on her when I was younger, but she scared me so I told them that nothing happened. She made me feel guilty that my little sisters would be taken away from home. When I was old enough I moved out and lived with my boyfriend that she hated. When I got pregnant she would call me at work drunk and tell me how disgusted she was with me. She divorced my step father (who raised me since I was 9, i call him my dad) after having multiple affairs, one with my bio dad when i was trying to establish a father/daughter relationship with him. She lost custody of my younger sisters as well, because she got drunk, was on coke, and threatened to commit suicide. She was also diagnosed with bi-polar and doesn't take any meds for it. Shes delusional and I believe she has a border line personality disorder rather then bi polar.


But, i can't get her out of my life. For the life of me I cant just not talk to her. I don't know why. Its like Im still scared of her, even though I occasionally tell her where to stick it. She calls me for rides, I give in and give her rides. I helped her move multiple times, from the house she lost to my father, from her parents house, from her boyfriends house, from her apartment to her new place. I keep helping her, but all i want her to do is go away. I cant deal with the stress she causes. having to wake up to messages on my phone from her late at night, telling me im a *****, worthless, etc. Just because i went to my step dads house for supper with my kids. And mind you she never sees my kids, even when she had her license she never once came to my house to see the kids.


She over reacts about everything. And warps stories. My youngest sister recently had an attempted rape on her and my mother told her she was lying, she did something to bring it on!


This woman is a lost cause. She went to therapy, she went to rehab and nothing has helped her. She thinks cause she stopped doing coke and only drinks ';once and a while'; shes a new person. But, she still calls me up drunk and either yells at me about something trivial and stupid, or yells and complains about how my sisters wont visit her, and how my step dad is evil and constantly reminding me that he isn't my real dad.


What can I say or do to make her leave me alone? How can I change myself to get her out of my life and not let the things she says bother me? I have done therapy before, but even my therapist began to dislike her. I don't think I love her. I believe I would be much happier if she dropped dead. But what do i do until then?How to deal with an alcoholic parent when you don't live at home?
You do love her. You worry about her. Even with all the bad things, kids still hold onto hope that they will have that good parent in their lives. They want it so bad.





You could go to Al-anon and be with others in the same boat. They understand and can give you advice and tips. Plus knowing others are going through the same things can really help. Look in the phone book. There will be a group in your area. And join one online too for the times you can't get away but need support.





You need to start distancing yourself but that's easier said than done. So is tough love. So do you want to learn to live with her in your life but not have it affect you so much? Or do you want the courage to get her out for good? Al-anon can help you with what you decide to do.





Good luck sweetie! That is so hard to go through but it seems that she gave you some gifts. Because your own life is stable and responsible. Whether it was her example or not, you turned out great!How to deal with an alcoholic parent when you don't live at home?
Restraining order. Move in the middle of the night with no forwarding address. Call the cops next time she comes around and don't let her in your house.





Better yet, do the right thing and secretly check her into a rehab center. You'll get at least 20 days free of her to do any of the earlier suggestions.
Wow! For as much as you have already been through, I'm surprised you're still sticking it out. My mom isn't quite as bad, although I can relate to the warped stories and overreacting about everything. I will also say that even if you want to, sometimes it's really hard to put your mother out of your life because they come around ';acting normal'; for a little while and then turn on you again. My step dad was also an abusive drunk for a long time and we had a hard time growing up.





I can also tell you as a person that has a very bad drinking problem, that it doesn't go away. Even after you stop drinking, and feel like you have a hold on your life, it's always a day to day struggle. But I'm sure you feel like I do, and you'd just rather not have your kids witness that. Believe me, it sounds like at the rate she's going -dead could happen sooner than later.





If it was me, and I was in your situation (been there before), I would talk to my husband about leaving. Completely relocating, even to just a different town -maybe somewhere where he can still commute easily to his job (or if he can relocate with his job). Change your address, phone number, and don't let anyone who knows YOU and associates with HER know how to contact you. If you have a cell phone, change that number too. You may even go so far as to change your license plate so she can't track your car. I know that seems really drastic, but I've had to do this for other reasons and it's really nice when the people you don't want to find you don't come around anymore. A fresh start and a ';new'; life.





It's for the better so she can't ruin your kids perception of life either. One day they may understand why their grandma is such a problem but as for right now, they are young and don't need to witness any of that.
You join Al-Anon and receive support from others who have dealt with the same issues. And you do your best to separate yourself from it, sometimes tough love is the best love. You must first think of self preservation. Good luck
Al-Anon for you and your sisters. I can't say enough about it. I joined when I was 15. if my mother had heard of the organization when I was younger she would have taken me to it when I was 12 because she felt like 12 was old enough to start learning about alcoholism. (my father and both his parents were/are alcoholics).





the people there will sympathize with you because they *really* know what you're going through. They will give you suggestions on how to deal with your mother so that you are protecting yourself and not enabling her.





setting limits and boundaries is not a bad thing. you screen your calls and talk to your mother when you want NOT when she decides or when she calls. decide that you will talk to your mother once a week or twice a month or once a month to see how she is doing. decide that you will say goodby and hang up or leave when she becomes abusive. when she begins talking about things you don't want to discuss then change the subject or say goodby and hang up. you limit access to your kids. She doesn't see them if she's drunk.





to be a ';good'; daughter does not mean that you are your mother's doormat or her toilet or her garbage can. as a ';good'; daughter your only responsibility to your mother is to make sure she has her basic needs met--food, clothing, shelter, medical care. You don't have to pay for it, you don't have to provide it. You just have to make sure she has access to it through her money or through whatever public assistance she qualifies for.





you hold her accountable for her behavior that her alcoholism causes. if she gets arrested, you let her stay in jail. if she gets a ticket, she pays it. if she loses her license, she buys a bus pass. if she--godforbid--kills someone, she faces that too.





I know this sounds like a lot of work, but it isn't really. It will bring you a great deal more peace into your life than you know.





keep her local AA meeting times and locations handy. If she ever decides that your new rules are worth cleaning up for then you'll want to know where to send her.





understand that right now, she's pickled and her body needs alcohol to function so if she does decide to dry out, things are going to get worse before they get better.





If you're not in the US there is a link on the site for an al-anon group where ever you are.





Good Luck.





as to the bi-polar: has she been diagnosed as bi-polar? the behavior you are describing is typical raging alcoholic behavior all on it's own. However it is common for people with severe mental illnesses to be alcoholics and drug addicts. If she has been dianosed as bi-polar then you have even bigger problems because she truly has no control over what she's doing as long as she's unmedicated and combined with her alcoholism, she can't be properly medicated.





look into bipolar support groups also so you can learn how to deal with your mother's illness on top of the alcoholism.





the suggestions I've given you are for limiting contact with your mother and weaning you off the *inappropriate* guilt that you feel for avoiding an extremely toxic person. If after limiting contact you decide that you still want her completely out of your life--then do it. You don't have to allow self destructive people into your life when they aren't even willing to make an effort at helping themselves. In that case, you leave the door open to your life for them to allow for them to change, but you don't put your life on hold waiting for it to happen.





good luck.






You admitted that you can't ignore her, which is what has to happen. Every time you respond to her you are adding fuel to the drama she brings to your family. Sounds like she has a real problem with the key word being ';she';. This is not your problem (it used to be but you lived through it), once you convince yourself that there is little you can do, then you will be on the road to recovery.





You need to call the person you say is you mom and tell her like it is: Let her know that you will no longer tolerate irrational confrontation, drinking, drugs, vulgarity and lack of respect. During this conversation she will get confrontational, that will be your cue to tell her that all you are interested in is a mature adult conversation and if she is not capable of doing this, you are going to hang up!





You need to face the facts also, she needs to be fixed. It sounds like you haven't had a Mom for a long time, rather you had someone that provided the roof and food with out the nurturing necessary for young people to grow appropriately. If your siblings are still in this type of home jail you need to be the support they do or will need.





Time to cut the cord live the life your husband and kids deserve. It will be difficult at first but won't take long for her to say something like: I hate you, I never want to see you again, why are you being so cruel, you won't be in my will, but it will stop. If she does fix herself she will call you in her search for redemption, that may or may not happen.