Tuesday, November 16, 2010

How would I deal with an alcoholic without enabling him?

My daughter's father is a severe alcoholic. He often puts alcohol ahead of his daughter.

Example 1: he PROMISES he will bring by diapers (or formula, its happened with both), but instead, he goes out drinking, and I don't hear from him for a few days.

Example 2: he calls me, when drunk, in the middle of the night, wanting to come see his daughter and spend the night with me. he no longer has feelings for me, and is actually seeing somebody else at this point, yet insists he loves me and wants to have sex with me and whatnot... and gets angry when I say no.

How would I deal with him without enabling him? I have tried calmly talking with him about his behavior when he is sober, but it falls upon deaf ears. I am tired of him putting his drinking problem and the people he drinks with ahead of his daughter. I try my hardest not to get mad at him and yell, or threaten to cut him off until he gets help (which he refuses), as that enables an alcoholic. Any suggestions?How would I deal with an alcoholic without enabling him?
First don't let him take your daughter anywhere, and tell him that you will take full sole custody of her and limit his visitation if he insists on drinking around her!!!

Second--stop depending on him. Don't wait for him to bring diapers, formula or anything. While I certainly understand the need for help, allowing him to think and feel like you need him--is enableing him, and NO---you don't need him. There are plenty of agencies like WIC, etc that will help you with your child. Stop letting him think he has the control when he doesn't. Don't call him, don't ask him for ANYTHING---simply go on like he is a dead beat dad and does nothing for you---because the reality is that it seems that he doesn't really do anything for you with out a price!!

Third--Don't answer the phone when he calls in the middle of the night. WHY would you be doing that anyway?? He is not in your life, he has no bearing on anything. Normal visitation as defined by the courts is between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.---other than that he needs to not be contacting you. As far as the sex--R U KIDDING ME!!?? How would you feel if you were this other girl?? NO WAY!!! Stick to your guns and H E L L N O don't have sex with him!!

And fourth---if he is refusing help, he doesn't want help, and unfortunately, you may not want to hear this, but you not standing up and becoming independent of him isn't helping him either. There are no consequences to his actions. You are ALREADY enableing him. ';Hitting rock bottom'; is what he needs to do, and you are making his landing too soft. Stand up to him. Keep your daughter away from him before he lacks judgement to watch her and she hurts herself, or drowns in pool because he went to just ';go get a beer from the fridge';, or worse that he takes her in the car and wrecks and could kill her. Stop taking his phone calls in the middle of the night. Set up a SCHEDULE of visitation and do not veer from it. AND if he has been drinking DON'T let him take her. YOU have to protect your daughter--he lacks the judgement to do so.

Unless all this is just a smoke screen for ';I still love him and if he would stop drinking, I would take him back'; you need to make yourself independent of him.

GOOD LUCKHow would I deal with an alcoholic without enabling him?
I suggest you attend an Alanon meeting in your area. It is a group of family, children %26amp; friends of alcoholics and they help each other understand how they work, think and how to be around them without becoming an enabler. I am dealing with my nephew who's an alcoholic and this has helped all of us in his family to learn to cope and deal with him better. BTW, Alanon is free and it is worldwide so there should be several meetings a week in your area. I wish you luck.
You know, a very good book for you to read would be ';Love must be tough'; by Dr James Dobson. It deals with a lot of the issues you are dealing with, although it was written more to deal with infidelity, I can see it being very useful to you. Dobson talks a lot about how love must be tough, how you can be loving, but not allow any kind of bullshit, and keep him responsible for his own actions. I really suggest to get it and read it, you won't be sorry.
You could contact AA and they will point to a support group that deal with families of alcoholics. Family counselling is also a good idea. you can go through your church or through you doctor. Get help soon don't wait. Good luck God Bless you

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